Wednesday, 29 May 2013

9 Reasons Why Lice Prefer Living On Emir Kusturica's Empty Head

A horrific, unpleasant, and shocking look at the tiny blood-sucking inhabitants that often choose Emir. 






1. He never washes it. (He thinks that makes him look more "artistic".) This means no floods at all for the lice and their families accustomed to fighting water-currents on a daily or weekly basis. Lice can't swim well - much like Balkan peasants can't direct.



 

2. He rarely shaves. This provides additional opportunity for lice to colonize other parts of Emir's empty head. 

Men with beards are considered exotic to lice hence more attractive as homes, because the beards serve as "islands" to the more adventurous and more easily bored lice.







3. The grease and the natural dense oils that accumulate on Emir's unwashed cranium provide almost infinite sources of fodder for his lice. Emir's head hosts some of the fattest lice ever found in human hair. Hence Emir's head is considered as a sort of Utopia or Shangri-La among all of the world's lice populations: endless supplies of food, and generally ideal conditions for lice to prosper.

Quite fitting, this, considering the Marxist leanings of this director so beloved by the French. Emir not only preaches Utopia, he practises it. A model Communist in every way (aside from his Nationalist/Far-Right tendencies when he is at home in Serbia).



4. Lice prefer heads of lesser intelligence: "a dumb enemy is a lame enemy", one of their more popular proverbs.

Before making any incursions on a human head, lice always test its owner's IQ first. Their hope is to find a head that is just as dumb as it is unhygienic: the perfect mix.

One of the ways these tiny creatures do this is by asking its candidate host to count to ten. Failure to pass this basic test gives the lice the confidence they'd found a fertile land to inhabit. 


We can see here Emir struggling somewhat after the number three, which is just the result the lice were looking for. They explode into spontaneous jubilation, and after finishing their high-fives start making immediate plans for an all-out invasion of the - in this case - extremely empty and filthy hence prize head.  


5. He never combs his hair. This means no "UFO alien attacks from space" for the lice. I.e. the "weather" on Emir's head is highly stable, making life that much easier for the tiny insects that crave stability above all else. 



 
6. Kusturica doesn't do much of anything, the most activity occurring when he walks from five-star hotels to red-carpet events premiering his daft gypsy dramas, and back. He doesn't do any sports, and when he plays in his idiotic "rock" band he barely even moves. As a director of Euro-trash festival-crowd film-critics-pleasing metaphor-cinema rubbish, he doesn't have to do much at all when directing, aside from shout the odd basic instruction to his much-suffering film-crew.

What all of this means is very few "earthquakes" for the physically weaker baby-lice and the elderly lice.


7. Lice, being uncultured philistines and also quite deaf, love badly played amateur folk rock. So whenever Emir grabs a semi-tuned guitar and plays a few atonal chords, the lice all rush down from his hair and eyebrows to his beard to watch the free concert - from the best seats in the house!




 
8. He spends much of his time downing beer and sniffing cocaine with other empty headed narcissistic celebrities, many of whom also aren't too concerned with their hygiene. This enables the lice to go on a what we medical experts call "free vacation", which consists of lice jumping from one filthy batch of hair to another - free of charge. This kind of perk is what sets Emir apart from other filthy humans, and makes him almost a god in the eyes of lice.
   
9. Even better, Emir's phony-baloney hugs-and-kisses Hollywood-celebrity lifestyle allows the lice to jump onto other empty celebrity heads with much more ease. Here we see Emir reacting swiftly to a camera being pointed at him and at a world-famous sporting midget; Emir immediately embraces the fat-assed dwarf, while feigning friendship and laughter.

The lice seize the chance and emigrate with great speed onto the head of the luckless Argentinian Marxist-Christian gnome. They know they must move quickly if they are to invade the dwarf's empty head, because Emir will break this seemingly intense embrace as soon as the cameraman stops filming the two media-happy clowns.










                              EPILOGUE



 
After reading the article above, Emir has made attempts to fight this embarrassing affliction. However, his attempts have been half-assed, to put it mildly.


Refusing to consult medical professionals (since he considers himself all-knowing in all matters of the world), Emir developed his own strategy - if one can call it that. After all, a winter cap is hardly going to stop lice from immigrating onto your head. The plan failed miserably.

In fact, the cap only made the lice even cozier and warmer, hence more wanted. They started multiplying quicker than ever before. Even itch-accustomed Emir was starting to get annoyed by the extra itching.



Not one to quit that easily, Emir devised a cunning new plan, which he even game a name: "The 30-Day Plan".

Cunning - if you consider placing a construction helmet as a proper anti-lice deterrent. The lice merely pronounced the event "Orange Month", to be celebrated whenever the goofy Bosnian director tries to stamp out the little pests with colourful head-gear.




Interested in finding out what Kusturica's western fans do in their spare time? 




Hollywood Biographies - Johnny Depp

The first in a series of such biographies that I'll be adding here.




DEPP, Johnny. (b. in 1963).

This unusually intelligent actor who finished primary school through the internet last year in spite of having to shoot a movie at the same time, is most known for his utter coolness. Depp, being the method actor that he is, realized that coolness i.e. total greatness, does not combine well at all with toilet needs. So he decided to stop shitting. "How can I be cool if I take craps? I look silly, sittin' there like some uncool animal, and Johnny must not look silly if he is super-cool, right?" he said, taking a cool puff of smoke from his very cool cigarette, while leaning very Armani-like on the hood of his Porsche. 


A week passed, and Johnny started having constipation problems. "It's hard enough being cool while having sex with an anorexic, duck-lipped Frenchwoman without having to fart every 3 seconds!" he said, clearly annoyed, but still remaining cool
under pressure, taking a puff on his well-handled, very well-held cigarette. "Johnny needs to look cool when he has sex with that skinny thing, 'cause if he's not cool, she'll find someone else who'll shag her in a cool way. And Johnny can't have that. Johnny can't have a little French whore dump him 'cause that ain't cool at all, and I'm not anything if not cool."

It was around this time that Bush invaded Iraq, but Depp would have none of it. "America, like, is like a wounded puppy… Like a wounded puppy that wants to bite. Bite Arabs, Moslems and Tibetans, and other
superior, deeper and cooler cultures and stuff. Johnny won't stay here no more. I'm grabbing my cigarettes, my French whore, my books on posing, and moving to France. So there! See how they like THAT..."

 Weeks passed but Bush was still waging war on Iraq. "I can't believe this!... They lose a cool intellectual super-talent buddha like me – and what…? Nothing! The war's still on! I tell you something, man: this country's finished! All the coolest intelligentsia are getting outta here: me, Redford, me, Paltrow, me, Madonna, and Johnny…". By this time his constipation was starting to show: "Yep. I'm Depp. And I'm pregnant.

I've been trying to impregnate that skinny little European slag, but her masturbatory cycle ain't working monthly and stuff so she ain't producing any eggs no more. And what happens? I get pregnant! It's so sarcastic, the whole thing. Such sarcasm." He meant "irony", of course.

However, even getting pregnant with a turd-baby wasn't enough to make Depp reconsider and start crapping again. "No, man. Absolutely no way. That's so uncool. Sitting on that damn white stinkin' seat with your pants down – no way. I'm sure Jimmy (Dean) never did it either. And if Jimmy didn't shit then Johnny won't either."

As for his move to France, he was as adamant in that regard as ever. "Johnny really likes Europe. Everyone here is so much more constipated than in the States. So much more uptight 'cause the shit won't come out so often, which is good. Eurpeans crap less hence are less like violent animals like Bush and stuff. And everyone loves peace, and there's no racism at all, and everyone is so highly educated and smart like me, and my little French putain is happy here, so, no: I'm not moving back. If they want me back, they'd better get out of Iraq and apologize to Mr.Hussein and let Mr.Arafat have Egypt back, and let Nelson Mandela develop his nuclear programme if he wants to."

A week later, two events were to make a marked impact on Johnny; first, the French riots.  "I can't believe this! I thought France was, like, cool and stuff, and everyone loved blacks and foreigners and there was social whorefare for all and everyone voted for the extreme Left – and now THIS… Moslems and French African-Americans have the right to destroy anything they want. Johnny is always on the side of the oppressed. What's a couple of destroyed cars when it's the future of mankind and glory of the, like, human soul and when stuff like spirituality is at stake?"


   




A day later one of his Ferraris was destroyed in the riots; a black youth blew it up. "Oh, my God! How dare they! How dare those fucking ni**ers destroy my property? I'm voting for Le Pen!" 

The other event was the birth. "Yes, my 'usband 'as just given birth to a beautiful and 'ealthy pile of shit," said his wife Vanessa Paradis to the journalists congregating around the hospital where Johnny became a mother, "and it weighs more than 35 kilograms. We think it will be a wrestler. We are not yet sure if it's a boy or a girl so we don't 'ave a name yet." Then a journalist asked her what name they would give it if it's neither a boy nor a girl but just a regular pile of shit. "In that case, ve vill call it  'A Regular Pile Of Shitesse Khublai Khan Pol Pot Changstein River Blood Aroma Depp".


Johnny Depp is currently enjoying his stay in France more than ever, especially since joining the ranks of the French Fascist Party. "The sad and unnecessary loss of one of my Ferraris has made me realize just how cool it can be to lynch ni**ers. But just so my Hollywood friends don't misunderstand me: Johnny is still PC
and for, like, world peace and affirmative action, except that such action can entail affirming a ni**er's right to die quickly and stuff. But Johnny still loves everyone equally. Johnny still votes for Democrats, supports liberals, wants to legalize crack, allow gay marriage, help pedophiles buy kids more easily, still opposes the death penalty – except when it's the death of a ni**er of course. But I still like Moslems! They haven't done anything to me. They should get their own Palestine and throw bombs if they like and stuff."

A week later a Muslim rioter destroyed one of his BMWs. "Now I hate Moslems, too, but I still think Bush should get out of Iraq. He should, like, get out of Iraq, and attack the French suburbs. Avenge Johnny's cars, man." Johnny and Vanessa have moved out of France, disappointed that it wasn't the Utopia that President Chirac had advertised it to be. They have decided to move to North Korea. "I heard it's, like, really nice there. Tim (Robbins) and Susan (Sarandon) say the people are like really enjoying the fruit of the Revolution and there's no McDonald's anywhere in sight and, like, you see people dancing happily in the parades and stuff and everyone is equal and they are, like, all cool 'cause they're vegetarians eating nothing but grass - and that, like, fact really sealed the deal for me. Cool, I'm packin' my guitar and going there." 

Johnny Depp has had a prolific career. Recently he has had a huge hit with "Pilesofshit In The Carrebean". In it, he used bits and pieces off his son, Shitesse, and placed it on his face instead of using the usual movie make-up. Johnny was uniformly praised for displaying such love and devotion to his child – even to the extent of smearing him on his face. Shittesse Depp has even been listed in the film's credits: not in "cast", but under "make-up".  Johnny has been nominated for a Blowscar for his cool portrayal of a gay pirate smeared with shit. "I prepared for that role by imagining that I was George Michael Jackson, and by watching ten hours of gay porn every day." His son, Shittesse, also got a Blowscar – for make-up. This is the first time in history that a pile of shit got that award. Usually the Best Actor/Actress awards go to piles of shit.



His previous films include: 

"Edward Scisser Hands Over His Small Brain", "Ed Would Like To Fuck Some More Empty-Headed Euro-Trash Sluts", "Fear & Loathing In Paris Suburbs", "Cry-Baby: The Life & Times Of A Whiny Anti-War Expatriate", "The Astronaut's French Wife", "What's Eating Gilbert Grape's Brain?", "Nick Of Time: Getting Out Of France In The Last Minute", "Cry-Baby II: The Anti-War Sissy Moves Out Of France", "Benny & Joon, Johnny & Moss, Tim & Susan, Gwyneth & Chris: Please Save The World", "Sleepy, Hollow Head", "The Man Who Cried And Bitched And Moaned", "French Corpse Bride & Retarded Groom", "Ed's Wood Does Good Business With French Poutains", "Cry-Baby III: The Genius Finally Smells The Roses In North Korea", "Arizona's Dreams Of Johnnie Brasco Finally Learning To Read",  "Once Upon A Time In A French Suburb", "Willy Wanker's Chocolate Factory", "Blow, Kate, Blow", "Cry-Baby IV: The Sensitive Artist Moves To Mongolia", "Cry-Baby V: The Intellectual Thesbian Finds Peace In Greenland", "Cry-Baby VI: The Brilliant Mind Moves To The Moon", "Cry-Baby VII, The Final Chapter: The Cry-Baby Moves Back To L.A. Because That's Where The Best Dealers Live", "Ninth, Kate", "Tenth, Kate", "Eleventh, Kate", and "Twelfth, Kate, That's The Twelfth Line Of Cocaine You've Had Since Noon, Bitch".  
















7 Cats That Changed History

The role of felines in the history of mankind is badly underrated, completely ignored even. Unfairly, as these seven cats prove.



Pacco

This brave little Peruvian kitty proved its worth when many years ago it had the honour and privilege of meeting the legendary revolutionary Che Guevara, the famous and beloved freedom fighter and non-psychopath. Pacco jumped on his head, shat on it, and then swiftly scurried away...

We will cherish Pacco in our hearts. His great-grandchildren now live in the States. They are in FBI's witness protection programme.





Lucy

On a clear Summer day in 1969, a cat called Lucy gained entrance onto the grounds of the Woodstock Open Air festival without a ticket. Lucy was always attracted toward the stench of trash cans and garbage bins because that's where she'd always find some food. Very similar smells permeated the air around the 300,000+ young people, so she thought it might find some food there too.

After several days, exhausted and nearly starving, she saw a couple of fat hippies eating McDonald's hamburgers. Lucy looked at them with those large, wide eyes, hoping to get a bite or two. (Cats are such moochers!) The hippies - a man and a woman - ignored Lucy and continued eating their Capitalist products. All-of-a-sudden Lucy jumped on the face of the fat hippie woman, stole half of the Fish Mac that was steal left, and in the ensuing battle with the luckless activists she violently scratched the female hippy's nose, and then bit off a part of her lower lip.

R.I.P. Lucy. We will never forget your cheerful nature.






Bogdan

Bogdan was born on April 15, likes eating fish, sleeps all day, and pissed into Angelina Jolie's face once.
Bogdan, you're God. Plain and simple.









Britney
Not many cats start mating before turning 8 months, but Britney was one such slut. She was exactly 5 months and 6 days old when she had her first sexual encounter. Early sex is very common among white trash street cats.

Britney also liked to meow a lot. Every night she would sit on a broken-down fence and meow, on and on, only taking breaks to shag a few interested males who happened to pass by.

One day Britney moved to a crowded human neighbourhood and started meowing there. All night long. After several such nights, the humans had had enough of the noise, and a man opened his window and through a shoe at Britney.

She was devastated. She had always thought that everyone loved her high-pitched meowing.

A week later, during a quiet afternoon, while Britney was busy getting pregnant for the third time in just 7 months, she saw the man who threw the shoe at her. Full of vengeful élan, she ran toward him, parked herself on his face - and pissed into his mouth.

That man was Sean Penn.


Contrary to all predictions, Britney is still alive and well, and working on her 39th pregnancy. May she live to be 30.





She was no spring chicken, "but beggars can't be choosers" thought Heinrich to himself and started licking his genitals. Gertrude was just across the road, and all he had to do was cross it and rape her - just the way she likes it (you know how cats are...).

But - suddenly - a pair of Emo kids saw Heinrich. Without even asking, they took him in their arms to stroke it, calling him cute names, saying what "a wonderful black cat" he was. Heinrich was so surprised by all this that he didn't even have the time to react, to escape. By the time the Emo kids finished with him, Gertrude was gone. She was nowhere to be seen.

Angry and vengeful, Heinrich followed the Emo kids for a while, and then when he saw the perfect chance he suddenly jumped onto the head of one of them, biting his left ear off. He later got hungry and ate it.

Epilogue: Heinrich did manage to mate with a virgin that February, a cat called Robin G. After the 3-second sex, he found out that she wasn't a virgin. She gave him gonorrhea, and he died a year later.

We will never forget him.



 
Vesna

When O.J. was cleared of murder, nearly 15 years ago, his lawyers Shapiro, Cochran and Kardashian went to a bordello in downtown L.A. to relax and celebrate.
 
One of the prostitutes kept a pet in the house, a Siamese cat called Vesna. Just as Kardashian took his trousers off, Vesna surprised everyone by biting his left testicle off. Kardashian, screaming with pain, chased Vesna, trying to get his ball back. But it was futile. The speedy cat ran away with it, and later ate it. It wasn't much of a meal: it was a very small testicle, barely good enough as an aperitif. (It later dawned on the prostitute that she forgot to feed Vesna that day.) Vesna, may you eat whatever your heart desires, for as long as you live. I wish you the best of health.






Cathy
 
When J.P. was born, he did not have a hair-lip. In fact, it never WAS a hair-lip. It's a cat-lip.

Catherine liked to catch butterflies, liked children, her favourite food were biscuits, she preferred mating in the month of March, and she scratched the upper lip
of Joaquin Phoenix, giving him a scar for life.

In a small park in Serbia, Catherine has a statue erected in her memory.