James Heftield: The Great White Metal Hunter
|What an alpha male. What courage.|
|1. "It's like so cool when you hear the bear fall with a
thump! I particularly like finishing off its cubs after I destroy their
Mom. Great rush. They're so damn slow! I blind-fold myself, get up real
close, and still I manage to blast their fat asses into oblivion with just
one fucking round. |
After that it's shower-time, lunch and then some rockin' banjo-playing with my hillbilly relatives."
|2. "I grimace a lot yeah, when I hunt, coz death is funny
and so cool. |
Killing deer, or dead Bambi fucks as I call them before I shoot them clean off, is tough. It requires precision, focus, and most of all - courage. Them deer, man, they can be dangerous critters. Sure, I'm armed to the teeth with rifles, bazookas 'n' all, but if they get closer than 50 feet, I start shaking. Don't know why that is, man... When I was a kid that Bambi cartoon used to scare the hell out of me. I used to think it was a documentary, until I met Lars when I was 18 and he told me that it was a damn cartoon! That was a fuckin' relief, I can tell you that..."
3. "I bought this cool military tank from the profits we made from a non-profit anti-war gig we did in Frisco. What Bush did in Iraq is bullshit, unforgivable, he is The Unforgiven. I then paid extra to have this baby specialized for blasting feathered flyin' thingamabobs.
When I run outta ammo - which usually happens after I annihilate a couple of ducks, tough targets those damn quacking fucks are - I go on a snail-killing spree. I just step on 'em, man! One by one I go around crackin' those fuckin' shells... It's at these moments that I feel like a real man, you know."
4. "Other times when I step on animals is when I shoot them but they don't croak straight away. That's when I get really pissed off and step on them with my boots to finish them off, to squeeze the life of the dumb fucks. I tell ya, dude, the feeling of accomplishment I get from doin' that can't be matched by any great song I ever wrote for either St.Anger or the Load albums, our best stuff!"
5. "Man, I can't lay off those damn dumb four-legged idiots even when I'm on a vacation in Hawaii or the Bahamas! I go for what's meant to be a normal swim, but even that quickly turns into a fish-hunt. It's tough to catch fish, and I didn't quite understand why until Lars told me many years later that fish were slippery hence tough to hold. So I turned to hitting crabs and oysters. I take and a rock and - WHACK - they're dead! I love it."
6. "After I slaughter a few crabs I lay my sights on seagulls lyin' around the beach and shit. Other people just wanna sun-bathe and enjoy the nature, but nah-huh, not me, I'm not up for that kinda shit. I like to kill things whenever an opportunity arises."
|7. "Some jealous motherfuckers say I used to get beaten up
all the time by other kids. Well, they're fucking lyin'! I just felt that
defending myself from other kids wasn't the proper way to act as a
Gandhi-type anti-war person like me, so I honed my pacifism from an early
age. I coulda beat all those kids up but, dude, how would that fit in with
my anti-warness and peace-like vibe? |
So whenever I left school I'd step on little mice, and torture cats. That really gave me the kind of self-importance that other people expect from you. Am I making any sense? Sometimes I get too philosophical an' I start talkin' above people's heads... That's what makes an artist an artist, I guess..."
|8. "I'm a gentle Dad, yeah. Dude, you saw me go to my kid's ballet class in that embarrassing documentary Some Kind Of Morons. I always say be kind to all livin' creatures. Except animals of course, they suck. They suck so much and need to be shot as much as I can find the time to do it. Killin' little birds is the toughest of all but when you find a nest with eggs or small chicks is when you realize: 'dude, all this effort was sooo worth it!' Depending on my mood, I'll throw the little bastards off a cliff and watch them go 'SPLOTCH!' or I'll feed 'em to my dogs. Hell, I'd kill the mutts too if they weren't so helpful in doin' the dirty work like running an' stuff coz I just wanna have mu guns do the talkin', know what I mean? Can't run much. Real huntin' is just you and your ammo - and not legs and that sorta shit."|
|9. "I always have dogs around. Not just to help with the huntin' so much but to keep me company coz sometimes it's get scary in the woods when it gets dark and stuff, you know. That's why I like to start early, so I can finish early. Hearing the spotted owl go 'hooo' just bugs me, man, and I know how this sounds but I'm like a really tough guy, brave and everythin'. But that LOOK: the spotted owl just looks at ya like a damn vampire so I gotta shoot it. Just gotta."|
|10. "Fans always ask me why I wear the long beard. They think it's because we're trying to appear nu-metal and sell more albums. Yeah, okay, that's part of it, too. We used to make trends, but now we follow them - which is a good thing and shows how much we've grown as people and artists."|
11. "But another reason I like the beard is because that's where I grow my lice! Surprised, huh? It's a great idea, dude, and I'll tell you why: when I'm not home i.e. when there are no parked bunnies to shoot, and there are no rivers, lakes, or oceans around to catch crab in, or when there is no forrest nearby at all, or when I simply run out of ammo, it's then that I like to have a few lice around - to kill, what else. When I have no other bigger things to slay, I just pull a louse outta my beard and snap! With two fingers I kill it! Clever, huh?...
Still, I'll admit that killing something so small doesn't get me as high as killin' a wild pig."
12. "You all saw my sensitive nature in that dumb documentary. You saw that I am a good man, and intelligent, and the way I talk to people and stuff, there's really some character there and needin' an expensive shrink just underlined how well we manage our money and how in control we always are. But that's a different kinda control from destroying God's creatures. When I'm in the woods, man, all alone with my buddies and dogs in the woods, just me and my pals all alone against squirrels and forrest mice, it's that kind of masculine, alpha-male control of nature that makes me into the man I am now.
Some people laughed at us, sayin' how dumb we were to release that film. Well, lemme tell ya something, whenever I hear that kind of fuckin' bullshit I get all riled up, and to relieve some of that stress, man, I go to a quick huntin' trip and kill a few bunnies. But because I'm always short on time I built a bunny-house in my yard where I keep the stupid long-eared morons, so I don't have to go all the way to the woods on my Harley. That way I just go back home and shoot the rabbits in their little rabbit-house. One by one, I just whack 'em. And then I get my assistant to buy me more.
The bunnies are also a good source of frustration relief when the sex-llife with my pretty wife ain't goin' too well, which is when I visit the bunny house and... you know the drill by now.
Man, to all those people and those sissies who 'love animals' an' stuff, I have just three words: YOU'RE NOT A MAN UNTIL YOU TRIED IT."
|What an alpha male. What courage.|