Monday, 10 June 2013

Simona Halep: Romanian Wondergirl


Simona Halep, WTA pro and former boob wonder, had decided to get a breast-reduction a few years ago - to the utter dismay of her many fans (98% of whom are of course male). It was a sad day for malekind when those two ravishing balloons went under the butcher's knife of a surgeon who must be without a doubt gay. This page is an homage to her beautiful massive boobs, before they were so savagely cut short by crap decisions made in Simona's confused head. In other words, this homage does not deal with her current boobs which I frankly don't give a fuck about anymore.

 
First a brief look at the biography of Simona's boobs (and Simona herself). This is a very flawed and incomplete Wikipedia version, very much devoid of the most essential information regarding her spectacular huge tits: 

Simona Halep (born September 27, 1991) is a world top-100 tennis player playing on the ITF Women's Circuit and the WTA Tour, and is currently the number-four ranked women's tennis player from Romania (out of 4 in the top-100).[1][2] Her highest WTA rank was No. 37 on May 28, 2012. She is the youngest Romanian player in the top-100.
Halep's father Stere runs a cheese and milk factory.[3] She started playing tennis at age four, in emulation of her older brother.[4] She has self-described her playing style as being "an aggressive baseliner,"[4] while New York Times columnist Michael Kimmelman described her as "a scrappy player from Romania, short but with potent ground strokes and a scrambler's talent."[5] In a post-match interview Serena Williams once commented that Halep "serves well [for] her height... She has so much power on her serve."[6]


Halep's father Stere runs a cheese and milk factory.[3] She started playing tennis at age four, in emulation of her older brother.[4] She has self-described her playing style as being "an aggressive baseliner,"[4] while New York Times columnist Michael Kimmelman described her as "a scrappy player from Romania, short but with potent ground strokes and a scrambler's talent."[5] In a post-match interview Serena Williams once commented that Halep "serves well [for] her height... She has so much power on her serve."[6] 

Yaaaaaaaawn. 


Pretty boring biography, huh? Here is the original version of this biography which they never published, for fear of "offending" her: 

Simona Halep (born September 27, 1991) is a gigantic-breasted world top-100 tennis player, playing on ITF Women's Circuit, the WTA Tour, and occasionally appearing on "tennis chicks with enormous melons" calendars.

She is currently the number-four ranked women's tennis player from Romania (out of 4 in the top-100), and the first-ranked player on WTA's "Boob-Size List", updated monthly after each girl gets her measurements done at the WTA offices (by a very lucky bastard indeed!).


Her highest WTA rank was No. 37 on May 28, 2012, and the largest her breasts ever got was a week later when she celebrated this success by binging on cheeseburgers and french fries for 3 days straight. (It's rumoured she was a quadruple F then!). She is the youngest Romanian player in the top-100, and the youngest European lady ever to reach a double E at the age of 18. 

Halep's father Stere (who strangely enough does not possess large boobs at all) runs a cheese and milk factory. Guess where he gets the milk from? (Sorry about that, Simona...)


Simona had contemplated going in her father's milky footsteps, but after acquiring 9 and a half solid kilos of boobs underneath her chin, she realized that she might get easily confused between her own boobs and the cows teats. She feared that when milking a cow she might accidentally squeeze her own tits, with some of that milk ending up in the milk-can, mixing up with the cow's milk. Considering that half her Romanian townsfolk buy their milk from the Haleps, she was horrified by the idea of them drinking her own milk.

She started playing tennis at age four, in emulation of her older brother who happens to be quite breast-free (taking after his father, presumably).


She has self-described her playing style as being "an aggressive baseliner with very large tits bouncing up-and-down," but "very tame and shy in bed" due to the ginormous size of her splendifurous boobs. Simona lives under the illusion that men don't like large boobs! This might explain her unforgivably awful decision to reduce them.

New York Times columnist Michael Kimmelman (that no-one gives a shit about, and whose wife has really bad implants) described her as "a scrappy, sexy mutha from Romania, short but with a potent ass and boobs that make the ground shake every time she gets ready for a forehand stroke. I love my job sometimes!" (we're just kidding; Michael is gay just as most journalists from that shitty left-wing newspapers are)


In a post-match interview, big-breasted she-beast and Mike Tyson impersonator Serena Williams - who is very jealous of Simona's pretty face and even her boob-size - once commented that Halep "serves well for her height, but she can't serve a man the way I do!... The ho may have much power on her serve, but her tits are all over the place and totally undisciplined, so fuck that honkey fucka, don't wanna be talkin' 'bout that ho bitch-ass slut no more!"


The Needless Bitching

So what drove this once-sexy Romanian girl to destroy the best asset God can give a woman? There are several reasons that lead to the untimely downfall of her Babylonian boobs.

1)  Parents' Complaints: People started bitching that they can't bring small kids with them to tennis matches, because the sight of her boobs might "sexually traumatize" them.

2) More Parents' Complaints: People started bitching that their adolescent sons were embarrassing them in front of other people in the stands when they got boners.

3) Supposed Back and Neck Pains: Simona insisted that her amazing boobs were causing her pain, while they bounced... up... down... up... down... bouncing endlessly... left... right... up... down... oh man... what a sight... wow... up and down...



The Fat Bastard Who Butchered Her Boobs

You must be wondering, who is the pitiful motherfucker who dared stick a knife into Simona's once-bubbly big-ass tits? 

Here he is, enjoying himself on a beach holiday - with blood money earned by destroying breasts!

The big fat irony is self-evident: this hamburger-munching douchebag has large tits himself, yet he makes money by destroying perfectly fine female ones. No, not irony; hypocrisy.

Someone should tell this asshole to apply some of that sadistic skill on himself.

It is rumoured that this surgeon has so far killed at least 300 large pairs of boobs, in other words over 600 boobs have already been victims of his genocidal carnage. 93% of the botched boobs now have new nipples that look like utter shit, and the other 7% aren't much better either. What a fucking dick.

No sane heterosexual male can possibly condone the reduction of perfectly natural, large, healthy melons into barely recognizable flat disks scared like the surface of Mars. Reinhard Drescher is a stark-raving-mad homosexual who thinks that by making women less feminine he might eventually find them attractive. What a loser. It's the same reason why gay designers hire anorexic slags for fashion shows.

What's worse, Reinhard exploits his female patients by allowing male members of his depraved family to "examine" them. These phony procedures serve no other purpose than to sexually titillate the male Dreschers (who are straight, unlike Reinhard). 

Here we see his cousin Uwe - who doesn't have any professional certificate, much less a doctor's diploma - "inspecting" a patient.

Unsurprisingly, Uwe is another fat fuck just like Reinhard, covered in lard and corrupt to the bone. Notice how he's feeling up the poor woman's left breast, as if caressing her could possibly have anything to do with a medical exam. How could Simona have been so bloody stupid?



The thought of Simona's healthy and fit body being man-handled by this middle-aged Nordic walrus makes me bloody sick to my stomach! 

And if you're wondering why he's wearing that silly surgeon's mask on his face: he drools like a hippo, that's why.

Her face says it all: she is looking on with suspicion, wondering why her bare ass is pointing toward the face of a masked pervert old enough to be her father - and fat enough to be her pig (in case she's a farm-girl and raises pigs). But hey, she'd been told "it's a medical exam", so what the hell: keep staring at my ass, you old fogey! You must know what you're doing, right? Wrong, you dumb bimbo! What does Uwe need to do to finally get these girls to realize they're being taken advantage of?

This is Reinhard's uncle, Otto, pretending to be doing something "useful" to this poor lady's privates. Well, not so private anymore - once Otto gets his "instruments" (i.e. sex toys) inside them. And all this just so he can ogle and fondle a young beauty, coz he sure as hell ain't getting a "date" by asking a girl out!



I just hope Simona had the sense to stop this needless horseshit before she was handed over to Micklgruber (Reinhard's half-brother), easily the worst of the lot.

Seriously, have you ever seen a doctor take his own shirt off during an exam?! This guy doesn't even try to be convincing. Micklgruber is so brazen, he sometimes strips all the way down to just his socks. He justifies this by telling the patient some cockamamie story about "healing body heat energy". (Of course, he says it in Romanian with a German accent so it sounds doubly stupid.) 

If Simona was dumb enough to believe this, then she deserved to be ass-grabbed and boob-touched by this beer-bellied retard.
Finally, the girls are handed over to Günther, Reinhard's other uncle. An already convicted public masturbator, his particular fetish is squeezing large boobs (and who can blame him really). He sometimes does this for a whole hour - yet the women do nothing! They actually think this is what doctors do. Well, no wonder Indians choke their female new-borns.

This smelly asshole doesn't even bother to wash his hands before pressing nipples together or bouncing a boob against his hairy old face.

But enough of this. We shouldn't witness too much of such depravity or we might get our own ideas of the kind that Uwe, Otto, Micklgruber and Günther indulge in. We should remember Simona for what she was, not what she has become, or what she did to get there.


And this is what she has become. A shadow of her former self, unable to even look up as she walks back to the baseline. I hope her head is lowered because of the shame she is feeling. And she knows where she can stick that racket.




But not all hope is lost! As Master Yoda famously said, "there is another..."


Here she is. Austria's Tamira Paszek. She's been bouncing her boobs around the world for years and hasn't yet signaled even remote willingness to have them reduced. Well done, Tamira, we're all behind you - and in front of you.

Or how about this one? Iroda Tulyaganova. Even Yoda didn't know that there was an other "another".

Or this one? Maria Fernanda Alvarez. Just look at those thighs!

Alright, alright... She has some body issues, I lied about the thighs. But who says our new idol has to be a tennis pro?


I have no clue who she is, or whether she even plays tennis recreationally. But does it really matter? Those jugs speak for themselves.

And who says she even has to be fully dressed? This gal can't play a backhand winner to save her life, but she could teach Simona a thing or two about boob maintenance. Back problems? Simona, you silly woman, all you needed was to rest it somewhere every once in a while. Even this porn bimbo knows this.



To find out who are the 100 best-looking tennis gals, go to link:

To find out how (even more) fucked up the Strong Is Beautiful campaign was, go to this frightening link - if you have the courage:

To find out all the sordid stuff about the cinema legend Humphrey Bogart:
http://vjetropev.blogspot.rs/2013/06/hollywood-biographies-humphrey-bogart.html




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