Friday, 14 June 2013

Finding Homes For Skinheads

Of all the youth armies, the skinheads are by far the most misunderstood. They are usually perceived as thoughtless, violent cretins who do nothing all day but pick their nose and smirk at passers-by. Now, while that may be 100% true (and it is in fact 300% true), there is the other, lesser known side to them. What we are trying to say is that there is a needy, insecure side there that is simply looking to be loved. A skinhead doesn't get the love he wants, so what does he do? He turns to busting heads: it is that simple (they are a simply lot, bless 'em).

It is for this reason that we have formed this non-profit organization - The Adopt-A-Skinhead Foundation - in order so that we may bring love to those who desire and need it most, namely our poor little confused bald-headed misfits. 

We have many skinheads on offer: traditional skinheads, reggae skinheads, Oi skinheads, White Power skinheads, Nazi skinheads (not the same as White Power skinheads, because Nazi skins aren't just partially lobotomized), SHARPies, Red Anarchy skins, Random Anarchy skinheads, Red Random Anarchy skins, Gay Aryan skinheads (we are not joking, so stop laughing), Howler-monkey skins, Baseball Bat skinheads, and Pot-belly skinheads (who live with pigs, so they will be up for adoption only if you happen to be a pig, or at least own a pig-sty).

Please be so kind as to pick one. They are for free, and all of them are looking for a happy home that will love and cherish them just as they are. 



Georgie-Boy and Stumpy.

These two rude-boys come as a pair. They are inseparable. We are not sure whether that's because they are gay or just great pals, and we didn't really dare ask them to be frank (one of them is always wearing a small baseball bat in his pants, not seen on this photo). But don't worry, these two wonderful boys rarely get violent, perhaps as little as once a week. 

Just take a look at the sweetheart on the left; a lovely kid. Needs some dental work, but we are sure that once you start regarding him as your own son, you will have no qualms about spending a hefty dental bill for his new teeth. Just make sure he stays out of trouble, otherwise he might need those dentures renewed every month. 
Perhaps a couple for the more wealthy adoptee parents.

Oi-Boi. 

For those of you skeptical about adopting a huge muscular Nazi skin, how about this little runt-of-the-litter? Oi-Boi is skinny and weak, so you can easily fend off any potential attacks from him with ease - unless you yourself are also a wimp, in which case you should shout for help from your wife every time he attacks you with a broken bottle. A married couple, even an older one, can subdue Oi-Boi without much effort, and with a minimum of weapons. Although, be forewarned that he might opt to take revenge against you by ganging up with his many Oi friends! 

Skins are well-known for being cowards who gang up in large groups in order to beat up one single person, so keep a close watch as to whom (and how many) he brings over to your house. (He is usually tame when alone, but gets courageous and violent in a large group.) In case he doesn't manage to bring any of his violent friends in the house to rough you up with because you installed a high-tech surveillance system, beware of the possibility that Oi-Boi and his skin(ny) pals might ambush you at any street-corner just as well. 

In fact, it's perhaps best to adopt Oi-Boi if you already have several bodyguards working for you and living in your house. Additionally, while Oi-Boi may be currently comparatively harmless, it's best you adopt this lovely lovely yob as soon as possible before he gets stronger: he is currently working out in a gym to get bigger, so act fast! (He is being injected steroids.) By adopting him now, you can take away his gym card (by using force, unfortunately, because he won't give it up without a fight) and prevent him from turning into a huge 6-pack monster.

Knobby. 

If the previous skinhead wasn't weak or skinny enough for you, then how about this one? Knobby makes tough-guy grimaces a lot, but of course, he has to. He is like a snarling kitten, really, quite hopeless when it comes to using force. Most of his violent activity takes place as part of a large group of skins ganging up on one person, which has admittedly boosted his confidence a lot recently. 
You never have to worry about being ambushed by Knobby while preparing a meal or while calmly watching TV. And yet, even if he does, you can beat up him very easily, literally with one hand. Knobby is an ideal candidate for adoption for skinhead parents looking for a delta-male weakling they can push around and perhaps even harass (for fun). Knobby doesn't like being harassed though - but if you're a skinhead you really don't care anyway what anyone likes or wants.

Jean-Pierre. 

Pierre is a great Parisian kid who loves sports and the night-life, his favourite two hobbies. In fact, he often combines his love of baseball and outsides of night-clubs in a unique activity that he charmingly refers to as "midnight skull-bashing". But don't worry, he doesn't mean any harm. Just because he causes harm doesn't mean he actually means to truly hurt anyone, aside from the dozen or so personal enemies of rival gang-members that he really did set out to inflict pain upon. 
But to judge a skinhead merely by his occasionally violent night-time outbursts would be tremendously ignorant and very prejudiced. During the day he sometimes goes to visit Grandpa at the old people's home, where he never misbehaves (unless Grandpa forgets to hands over the 30 Franks they'd agreed on as weekly payment).

J-P has only been to prison once, which is quite commendable for a 21 year-old skin, and it wasn't even violence-related (at least not toward people; he was sentenced to 5 months for smashing a book-store shop-window).

Sue and Biff.

How about this lovely brother-and-sister pair? They are Red Anarchy skins, but don't let that worry you. They only attack Capitalists, bankers, yuppies, and people who are wealthier and more successful in life than they are. And when they do attack, their victims leave the sidewalk crawling only with minor gashes to the head and a few broken fingers. Provide them with suspenders, a shit pair of pants, one meal a day, plenty of heroine, and you will see them at their very best: sleeping around all day, not harming anyone at all.

Stig. 

Meet a boy who is so generous he will fulfill any wish you might have - provided it has something to do with breaking people's bones. Loyal to a tee, this kid would gladly give the shoe-laces off his boots for a friend. 
Literally. He hates shoe-laces, and sometimes spends hours trying to tie his boots. We've attempted to show him how to do it, but unfortunately we didn't get very far since he has troubles grasping the most basic concepts. Perhaps as his new parents you might have more luck in teaching this raw diamond of a kid the essentials of footwear.

Hu.
An exotic option in our rich skinhead calendar. 

Adopt this fat Mongolian Nazi skinhead, and you won't ever regret it. He is jovial, friendly, and very peaceful - at least he is one hour after he'd just broken a few skulls. But don't worry; his only enemies are a rival faction called the Mongolian Yellow Power skins, so there is no reason to fear violence from Hu since he obviously won't be seeing any members of that gang in the European country or the American state you reside in.

If, however, you already have a Yellow Power skinhead living with you, but insist on adopting Hu, make sure you get rid of the Yellow Power skin first. Or, adopt Hu and should he disappoint you, get rid of him and keep the Yellow Power skin.
Or, if you enjoy watching skinhead wars within the cozy privacy of your home, keep them both and enjoy their playful shenanigans with knives and beer-bottles. 
And if they should by some miracle become pals and stop smashing chairs on each other, just stick them in a cage and poke them with a stick; this should ensure a good battle for your personal pleasure.


Hu's colleague, Shu. 

If Hu is too fat for your taste (or your wallet/fridge), you might want to consider adopting Hu's former buddy Shu. Now, please don't let the swastika put you off! Shu was born and raised in Mongolia, where 3% of all kids start school, and only around 0.5% finish it. He is a really lovely boy and knows nothing about the horrors of WW2. Indeed, he wouldn't even know where to place Germany on the map. He thinks Hitler is a European side-dish.

The only slight problem might be that - as we mentioned - Shu is Hu's former friend. What happened a few years ago is that Shu left the Mongolian Nazi skinheads to form his own gang, the Mongolian Skinny Nazis, which is a gang much thinner than Hu's. If you should ever adopt Shu, make sure that Hu isn't living anywhere nearby, otherwise they might spend 90% of their time trying to bash each others brains in. Needless to say, these two are not being offered as a pair, and we are hoping to find homes for them in separate countries.


Joseph. 

No, not the one lying on the ground. That's his random victim. 

Joseph loves his army boots, and as long as you let him wear them, and you feed him and clothe him regularly - and show him lots of love - chances are fairly small that you'll end up like this poor man. 

Believe us when we tell you that Joseph has another side to him, one that cannot be seen on this very misleading photo. (The only photo we have of him, he wouldn't let us photograph him.) The misunderstood kid isn't just about violence - he likes sex too. 

We are not saying that he is a potential rapist (considering that those three court-cases are still pending and all witnesses are anyway in hiding which makes the charges against him frankly absurd), but if you are a single male you'd be better suited for adopting Joe than if you live with a wife or girlfriend. A married couple might run into trouble with Joe's huge sexual drive, as he might want to sexually please your significunt other. Needless to say, a single mother living with her three adolescent daughters is quite out of the question!


Gruber. 

We're sorry we can't show you the face of this amazing, wonderful young man; this is the most he allowed us to show. (He threatened to smash our knee-caps if we disobeyed him and showed his face, but we know he'd never do it - especially since we're wearing knee-protection at all times.) 
 He is currently involved with the German Terrorist Nazi skins, a banned gang that plans to bomb bridges and buildings. By adopting him, you will get him out of this horrible, violent environment, and perhaps tame him a bit. As long as you show him real love, we are sure he will reciprocate with kindness - as long as you understand that he expresses kindness with unannounced head-butts. 
But don't worry, Gruber only head-butts his enemies very hard. So long as you let him transform your house or flat into a Nazi bunker, and let him hold hardcore punk gigs there for his many bald pals, he will be grateful to you and might only occasionally head-butt you, and if so then only very lightly. You won't hardly feel it, honest.


Trudy. 

No, this isn't another boy skinhead. Trudy may be ugly as hell, and she may have the I.Q. of a lobotomized chimp, but what she lacks in looks and intelligence this absolutely spiffing girl makes up for in sheer... 

Sheer girl-power! She has the uncanny ability to tell a lie without so much as twitching a cheek muscle, and her pick-pocketing skills have no match among retarded girls with awful hair-cuts. She excels at pushing other people's buttons to the point where they want to strangle her without fear of life imprisonment, and she can hit a cop straight in the face with a wine bottle from a distance of 30 feet. 

Please take her! Pretty please with sugar on top... Look, we will even pay you to take her. How much do you want? You name the price, we shall send her to you. Look for a large delivery package coming from London's East End within a week, should you decide on this creme-de-la-creme of our fine skinhead catalogue.


Yevgeniy. 

This shining diamond can be yours in a mere day. Just say the word and we well send him over with lightning speed. 
Don't worry about the raised hand, it's not a Nazi salute, he is merely doing arm exercises prescribed to him by his prison doctors. 
We don't recommend him to couples who have babies or young children though, as he tends not to get along with them. 
If you do have a baby but want to adopt him anyway - good for you! Just make sure that the baby and Yevgeniy are in separate parts of the house or apartment at all times. In fact, keep it secret from Yevgeniy that you even have the baby, and if he ever asks "what's that fucking crying?" just tell him it's the neighbour's baby. He is dumb as a doorknob and will believe almost any lie you tell him - and lie you shall have to plenty in order to keep this one out of trouble.
But aside from that, a true sweetheart, really.

Vladimir, Yevgeniy's pal. 

A lovely shy and introverted Nazi boy who always copies and does whatever everybody else around him does. Here we see him doing the same arm exercises as Yevgeniy. 

Vladimir is such a sheep and such a mindless easy-to-brainwash follower, so you never have to worry about him. If you're a Communist, he will become one within an hour - without even knowing what it means. Or if you are a Nazi, he will happily become that too. He is like a chameleon, always adapting to his environment, happy to blend in without a single thought. The low 51 I.Q. ensures easy manipulation of the few brain-cells he has; a true pushover, this gentle creature. His friend Yevgeniy once peed on his face, and Vladimir did nothing - aside from drinking the urine. (We do not, however, advise urinating on Vladimir's face, or indeed on any skinhead's face, or on any part of their body. Vladimir's was drunk at the time, so there is no telling just how much he likes or doesn't like drinking urine or whether in fact he might react violently to such a horrid act, nor are we suggesting that there might be water-sports aficionados among the fine people reading this adoption pamphlet.)

Better still, unlike his pal Yevgeniy he gets along with babies really well, so if you are a young couple hoping to adopt a chubby, easy-going skinhead, you can't do better than him. Just make sure he gets the same food as your toddler, or he might get jealous and start breaking up furniture.

Sven, Olaf, Johann, and Bromberg. 

These four terrific fun-loving Swedish kids would be absolutely overjoyed to find a loving home, especially if that home includes an arsenal of heavy weaponry. But even if you don't have weapons, it is enough that you collect sports memorabilia, for example baseball and ice-hockey. These kids just love sports, but their interests also extend to work in the kitchen! 
No, unfortunately they won't be cooking you meals, or even for themselves for that matter (they will expect you to be waiting on them hand-and-foot, and rightly so, for these lovely boys deserve nothing less). They are magically drawn toward the kitchen due to their child-like passion for kitchen knives, so don't be surprised if you see one flying through the air after they'd had a few extra beers. So long as none of the knives hits your face, you've got nothing to worry about, and can enjoy these happy-go-lucky playful skinheads at their mischievous best. We promise you, not a dull moment with this lot! 

We just need to mention that Sven and Johann, the two skins marked with circles (which they insisted must be white) are brothers and aren't actually orphan skins. They still live with their parents who have expressed a desire "to let someone else have them for a chance". They were the ones in fact who phoned us and said they'd like to find them a home "as far away as possible from us". You should truly grasp this unique offer, for these two might be already taken by some other lucky adoptees should you think too long about it.

Gloria. 

If you can ignore the fucking horrible haircut, you must realize this girl is gorgeous. Of course, we are NOT a dating service; we're merely stating the obvious, i.e. that she's extremely sexy and hot. The fact that we are underlining this girl's amazing sexuality and beauty does NOT mean we encourage parents to adopt skinheads based on sexual attraction. We are simply repeatedly stating the obvious, namely that this loose girlie is a floozie and will satisfy a man orally at the drop of a hat, regardless of his looks or age. 
Then again, what we do NOT want is to create the impression that she is some very easy young lay (which she is) and have her adopted by some lusting older male simply looking for a sex-toy - which she would admittedly be extremely suited for (IF we condoned such a thing, which we DON'T, of course).


Heike. 

We have no idea how this photo made it into the catalogue, honest! But we shall find the culprit and take the necessary action against them. We are a clean-living adoption agency, and do not support nakedness of any kind (aside from when we shower because it's difficult to wash while being dressed, and except for situations in which we need nakedness in our private lives such as when we are ready to have sex with skinheads). 

Heike is a charming SHARPie girl, with a rather high libido, and doesn't mind sleeping around with older men. We don't know why we mentioned that (or how we even know it) but it has nothing to do with us trying to get rid of her speedily. She is quite unproblematic, and rarely throws hissy fits followed by broken vases and smashed up chairs. She usually respects our furniture, which is why we have no real need to rush her adoption process so we can finally get her outta here.

This is not entirely for free, however. There is a certain fee involved.


Dee. 

This wonderful free spirit (and not an exhibitionist whore at all), seen here being kissed by her boyfriend's gangland enemy, can be yours for FREE (or at least quite inexpensive). All you have to do is sign the adoption papers, and you can take her home the very same day. So where's the catch? There is none! She is perfect! Unless you dislike small tits, there is really nothing negative to say about this splendid woman.

Dee is only one-and-a-half months pregnant, and has just a handful of venereal diseases most of which are treatable anyway. She is a recovering heroine addict, but hasn't touched the stuff in over 3 days, so you have nothing to worry about. 

Naturally, we are not showing her left breast just so you may have your way with her sexually, as this is STRICTLY an adoption agency and NOT a brothel or white-trash slave-cartel. We want to find a nice elderly couple to take her home, where they will treat her with respect and kindness - as opposed to leading her straight to the bedroom and asking her to take all of her clothes off for a pre-arranged swinger party.

Nancy (and Sid and Johnny). 

Adopting this stunningly well-dressed, permanently unemployed housewife-without-a-house includes a great little bonus for the lucky adoptee parents: two young kids out of wedlock! By adopting 19 year-old Nancy, you also get - totally free - two of her five illegitimate children, both of whose fathers are doing time (which means you won't have to deal with them), and both of whom had been diagnosed only with minor learning disabilities and a non-infectious form of the HIV virus. 
Aside from Nancy's obvious talents, such as a great sense for fashion and a propensity to get pregnant every 9 months, she is also a great cook: she can make an English breakfast in less than a minute! It's just a loaf of bread and a cup of water, but the speed with which she prepares it will make your jaw drop to the floor - especially since she walks around the house totally nude in the mornings. 
Nancy's skinhead friends call her "Preg Nancy", so if you adopt her make sure you call her by that cute nickname whenever you have to shout out her name through the window, yelling at her to stop trying to sell her body to random passers-by. 

John-Boy. 

An introspective kid, wise beyond his years, which you might think doesn't fit in that much with his tendency to kick random people in their abdominal regions and then proceed to stomp them in the face with his heavy black boots, after which he whistles for his pals to join him in stripping the victim of his shoes and other semi-valuables. 
 But trust us, John is so much more than that. He was once seen reading a book (rumours that the book was upside-down might be false). Not only that; three years ago his friends said he formed a sentence with more than 5 words. Furthermore, his ex-girlfriend claims that he once passed by an elderly man without spitting on him. And these things are just the tip of the pyramid; John-Boy's potential cannot be properly summarized in a brief text. 
 Adopt this pleasant kid, and see for yourself: he is not just about hurting innocent citizens by making them bleed from their chins and knee-caps.


Muggy. 

Obviously, Muggy is not the cop. He is the one on the left. If you want to adopt a cop, look for a different agency, as we don't deal with police adoption. Besides, we've heard that this cop has already been adopted by a Jamaican London gang. His whereabouts have since been unknown.
 Unfortunately, Muggy himself won't be up for adoption for another 6 years, while he tries to finish his unjustly high prison sentence for taking 300 pounds from a legless invalid by force. Muggy is a role-model citizen who never physically abuses any of the crippled individuals that he steals from, and even when he takes their wheelchairs away from them he is kind enough to always offer them a replacement chair to sit on (even if that chair does occasionally have only three legs, which results in laughter among other skins). 
He deserves another chance - in spite of having swore to the judge that he plans to rob more invalids as soon as he is set free. Short on diplomacy, even shorter on common sense, Muggy is nevertheless a bright skinhead who once managed to distinguish between Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck. And he only needed a minute to do so.

Betty, Zoe, Prissy, and Bunny. 

If you're annoyed that we haven't showed you their faces - don't be. Instead, you should be grateful: these girls are too ugly for words (aside from Prissy who is half-way passable, but only when given a sack over her head). We didn't want to negatively influence these girls' chances of being adopted by showing you their crystal-meth-ravaged yobbo faces onto which are attached some rather large crooked noses, bad English teeth, and bits of hair sticking out of their ears. We implore you instead to focus on the great personalities that lurk behind these abysmal exteriors, i.e. to ignore physical appearances since this quite clearly isn't a dating catalogue but a fully legal and internationally recognized adoption agency that works to improve the lives of drug-addicted bums and whores. 

Betty is rumoured to be "very good in bed" (says Bunny), and Zoe proudly claims "there is nothing I can't do to a bloke". Betty and the girls, however, aren't looking for pimps or a quick shag, but a loving and caring home that will provide them with free food and beer. You might be the one to provide shelter for one (or all) of these ugly but honourable women with amazing skills.

Klitty. 

Crap hair, yellow nail-polish, tattooed knuckles, and a nose like a Muppet Show puppet: what more could one possibly want from a new daughter? Klitty is a sweet Oi girl, and she binges on alcohol only when she is angry (which is admittedly kind of often). 
Unlike many of her peers, she has clear career goals, and hopes that one day her ambitions will lead her to what she's always dreamed about, ever since she was an idealistic, naive little girl: to become a madame of a lesbian Vietnamese brothel. Adolescent ambition is so rare these days, that we cannot but wholly support Klitty to realize all her hopes and dreams (of running a whorehouse in which she collects 90% of all profits; she has hinted that she will share 15% of that money with her adoptive parents).
Klitty washes rarely and likes to constantly spit into the dish from which she eats, but if you ask her nicely she might stop doing that (and start showering). Or, of course, she might start spitting even more because she tends to be slightly rebellious, believe it or not.

Liz and Hurley. 

If you're a single divorced male, and you are bored and tired of just watching lesbian porn on TV, this might be the adoption strategy ideal for you. Liz and Hurley have sex at least 3 times a day, and they don't mind being watched - not even by smelly bald fat middle-aged men holding their right hand down their pants while they stand behind the bedroom door peeping. (So long as you don't start jeering, they won't get upset.) Needless to say, these two come as a package. You either adopt both these lesbian White Power skin girls or neither of them. 

Should they ever decide to split up after you'd already adopted them, you can return one of them to us in a neatly wrapped box (with tiny holes), or simply kick her out of the house. We suggest you pick the one that is a better cook, or the one that's less filthy, but ultimately yours is the choice of which one to keep.

If, however, you grow very fond of watching them have sex and don't want to have just the one single lesbian lounging around your house doing fuck-all sex-wise, the alternative is to try and reconcile the girls into hooking up again. You might have to pay top money though, because professional psychiatric counseling for deranged lesbian skinhead tramps is expensive and hard to come by.



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