Saturday, 27 July 2013

Oscars For Best Tits (1967-2013): The 70s

It's quite likely that I will be closing all Tits Oscars posts on this blog soon. To find all of the Tits Oscars posts, 1967-2013, visit this blog instead: 


 

The Acadumby Awards, better known as the Oscars, is one of the stupidest, phoniest, cheesiest, and most ridiculous annual events (of any kind) in the world - that much we know. However, what very few of you do know is that every year Hollywood honours actresses with the obscure but to me most prestigious award of them all - the Best Tits Oscar.

I am quite pleased (and a little proud too I have to admit) to inform you that I have been the Chairman of this award ceremony since its inception in 1968. That year, Hollywood realized that decadence had finally hit the big screens to the extent where there were enough boobs to validate the existence of such an award. Until then, bare tits were rarely seen in films, due to heavy censorship laws, the fact that there were less sluts in show-biz, and because the Kremlin-pushed hippie revolution hadn't yet happened i.e. brought about a general lowering of standards.

Very importantly, the breastal winners aren't decided by the usual 5,000 morons who infest Tinseltown and vote for those idiotic regular Oscars. As a result, factors such as political orientation, nepotism, and pat-on-the-back favouritism do not influence the outcome in any way. As Chairman of these awards, I personally handpick the 5,000 voters, and I can assure you that they are all male and straight. There's none of that nonsense of gays and women deciding what does or doesn't constitute a beautiful female body, as is the case with Hollywood and the fashion world these days (which is why we have increasingly ugly women celebs such as Jennifer Aniston - who has very shit tits, as well, I might add).

How did I pick the 5,000 voters? I'd decided that the best men for the job are chronic masturbators.

RULES: Documentaries, movie shorts, music clips, and porn are not eligible. Silicone implants are banned from competing, so you won't be seeing any of those; breast implants are a form of cheating, but more importantly they're extremely ugly. All nominees get their breasts hand-tested, in cases where it's not 100% sure whether their tits are real or not. Asking them whether their boobs are fake isn't enough since, as we all know, actresses tend to lie a lot - and not just on casting couches.

LAYOUT: Each year shows ALL the outstanding tits. Actresses with average or shitty tits are not included, no matter how famous they may be. FIVE of these are selected to be actual nominees, just like with the regular shitty Oscars. The winner and the other four nominees are all marked with bold lettering. For those of you who still don't get it: these 5 are the best of the year. All the candidates - nominees and non-nominees - aren't listed in any particular order, except the winner who is shown at the end of each year's list.

So now that you know who picked the winners and what the criteria are, check out the lucky gals who got to carry home these prestigious awards for showing their great tits to the general public.

A more primitive version of the Best Tits Oscar list had first been posted by me in 2009.



Oscars For Best Tits: 1968-1979


1968.

Karla Conway in "Space Thing"

Mercy Rooney in "Space Thing"

Vicki Carbe in "A Sweet Sickness"

Sharon Wells in "A Sweet Sickness"

Vincene Wallace in "A Sweet Sickness"

Pat Barrington in "Mantis In Lace" (bottom pic) + "The Acid Eaters" (above)

Lena Nyman in "I Am Curious About Fucking (Blue)"

Margareta Sjodin in "Lejonsommar"

Tracey Yorke & Gilly Grant in "The Big Switch"

Marsha Jordan in "Suburban Pagans"

Olivia Hussey in "Romeo And Juliet" & Maxine King in "The Big Switch"



And The Winner Of The First Best Tits Oscar Is...



Carla Peterson for "Suburban Pagans" (b&w) + "Space Thing" (c)
Acceptance Speech: "First of all, I wanna say how thrilled and honoured I am to have my boobs honoured this way. It is an honour to be voted for by so many honourable men in the honourable Academy of Arts & Sciences & Amazing Tits, and I wanna dedicate this honourable award to all of them, but even more so to my honourable fans, and all the wet posters of me they keep next to their beds, and I gotta also thank the people who made and sold those posters and of course the honourable trees that provided the paper, them too. And I hope to win again!"


 
1969.

Glenda Jackson in "Women In Love" & Dominique Sanda in "Une Femme Douce"

Laura Antonelli in "Venus In Fur"

Deirdre Nelson in "The Secret Sex Lives of Romeo and Juliet"

Mickey Jines in "The Secret Sex Lives of Romeo and Juliet"

Vincene Wallace in "The Secret Sex Lives of Romeo and Juliet"

Bonnie Bedelia in "Then Came Bronson" & Milja Vujanovic in "Rani Radovi"

Helen Mirren in "Age of Consent"



And The Winners Are...
The Collinson Twins for "Some Like It Sexy"

Acceptance Speech: "Wow, we're like both so honoured and stuff to lift the first Best Tits award as twins! We've been working all our lives for this moment, you know, since we were 11 we dreamed of titillating male audiences, and the fact that 4 boobs won this award the first time around instead of the usual 2 only makes it even more special. For those who don't understand, we're twins i.e. there are two of us hence 4 boobs winning. We know our parents are gonna be proud, as all parents of sleazy startlets must be! See ya next year, and perhaps we'll get nominated again coz we got so many smutty pictures lined up for shooting!"





1970.

Ellen Burstyn in "Tropic of Cancer"

Francine Middleton & Susan Sarandon in "Joe"

Uschi Digard & Jennie Lynn in "Getting Into Heaven"

Stephanie Powers in "Crescendo" & Celine Lomez in "Initiation"

Ingrid Steeger in "Die liebestollen Baronessen"

Louise Trucot in "Two Women In Gold"

Anita Pallenberg in "Performance"


And The Winner Of The Best Tits Oscar Is...

Milja Vujanovic for "Bube U Glavi"


Acceptance Speech: "Osecaj je stvarno neverovatan, dobiti ovu nagradu pored takve plejade fantasticnih sisa koje su se takmicile protiv mojih. Vec sam prosle godine bila nominovana, ali ona pizda of rezisera nije hteo da publici jasno prikaze moje spektakularne grudi, te je sve bio zamracio ne bi li scena delovala vise kaobajagi umetnicka, ma debil bre, i zato valjda nisam pobedila. Ali, eto, sada napokon drzim ovu divnu nagradu u rukama. Velika mi je cast da sam iza sebe ostavila takve kurve kao sto su Susan Sarandon i Stephanie Powers... Sorry, I try to say it in English... I most honoured to beat such whores as Susan and Stephanie, and Yugoslavia be proud for me winning this. Thank you so much!"



1971.

Virginia Wetherell in "A Clockwork Orange"

Adrienne Corri in "A Clockwork Orange"

Debbi Morgan in "Cry Uncle"

Pamela Gruen in "Cry Uncle"

Yokki Rhodes in "Bread"

Pam Grier in "The Big Doll House" (pics) + "Women In Cages"

Muriel Catala in "Le Sauveur"

Anicee Alvina in "Friends"

Angelique Pettyjohn in "G.I. Executioner"

Christina Lindberg in "Exposed"

Susan George in "Straw Dogs"

Kimberly Hyde in "The Last Picture Show" & Susan Sarandon in "The Apprentice"

Madeleine Collinson in "Twins of Evil"

Fiona Lewis in "Villain" & Ornela Muti in "Summer Affair"

Sandra Julien in "Le frisson des vampires"

Helga Marlo (Elga Machaty) in "The Naked Countess"

Melita Bihali in "Bubasinter"

Cybill Shepherd in "The Last Picture Show" & Jenny Agutter in "Walkabout"



And The Winner Is...

Laura Antonelli for "Il merlo maschio"

Acceptance Speech: "I like-a to thank-a the Chairman of the Boobs Awards-a, Vjetropev, for a-making this the most-a best-a prize in the world! He ask me half hour ago if he can-a touch-a my boobs-a but I say no-a. Not his fault, he not know I not a whore like-a the other skanks-a who lost to me. Excepta for Jenny, she very nice girl."  



1972.

Laura Antonelli in "Docteur Popaul" + "The Eroticist"

Maria Schneider in "Last Tango In Paris"

Juliet Mills in "Avanti!" & Gay Singleton in "Permissive"

Pam Grier in "Hit Man" + "Cool Breeze" (lower left)

Marlene Appelt in "Le sex-shop"

Helen Mirren in "Savage Messiah"

Elena Fiore in "The Seduction of Mimi"

Valerie Perrine in "Slaughterhouse 5" & Domini Blythe in "Vampire Circus"

Rita Calderoni in "Delirium" & Cookie Mueller in "Pink Flamingos"

Camille Keaton in "Tragic Ceremony"

Susannah York in "Images"

Terry Gibson (lower left) & Peggy Church in "The Pigkeeper's Daughter"

Gina Paluzzi in "The Pigkeeper's Daughter"

Sybil Danning in "Bluebeard" & Maggie Stride in "Permissive"

Barbara Hershey in "Boxcar Bertha"

Edwige Fenech in "The Case of the Bloody Iris" & Bernadette Lafont in "Une belle fille comme moi"

Ann Michelle in "Virgin Witch"

Heather Johnson in "The Canterbury Tales"


And The Winner Is...

Stella Stevens for "Slaughter"


Acceptance Speech: "Oh my God, jeez, where do I even start? Looking at all the girls I beat this year, I am so awed, coz I'm not the youngest anymore, and my boobs are already sagging a bit, but it's so nice that the Academy of Arts & Sciences & Very Nice Melons doesn't just favour 19-year-olds. The director was adamant that I show my boobs in the movie, and now I am soooo grateful to him for having such amazing vision, to have realized how crucial those boobs are to the flow of the story, but also coz it means I am holding this prestigious award for the best pair of tits. I hope you guys nominate me again if I shoot more nude scenes with even hangier boobs."



1973.

Kay Lenz in "Breezy" & Beatrice Romand in "Themroc"

Rosaria della Femmina in "Torso" & Pam Grier in "Coffy" (photo) + "Black Mama White Mama"

Stephanie Beacham in "Mafia Junction" & Monique van de Van in "Turks Fruit"

Maria Antonietta Beluzzi in "Amarcord"

Kris McQuade in "Alvin Purple"

Shara Berriman & Lynette Curran in "Alvin Purple"

Laura Antonelli in "Malizia" + "Sessomatto" & Barbara Hershey in "Love Comes Quietly"

Britt Ekland in "The Wicker Man" & Suzanne Sommers in "Magnum Force"

Marie Marczack in "If Don Juan Were a Woman"

Heather Collins in "Bummer"

Tara Strohmeier in "The Student Teachers"

Christina Lindberg in "Sex and Fury"

Reiko Ike in "Criminal Woman" (above), "Female Yakuza: A Tale of Inquisition and Torture" (below) + "Sex & Fury"

Anitra Ford & Victoria Vetri in "Invasion of the Bee Girls"

Beverly Powers & Sharon Kelly in "Invasion of the Bee Girls"



And The Winner Is...



Lynn Lowry for "Sugar Cookies"


Acceptance Speech: "First of all, it's such an honour to compete with all these tits. Secondly, it's great to win - especially against boob-legends such as Coffy! Her portrayal of Pam Grier is as legendary as are her boobs, and to actually beat her is a milestone for me. ("Milestone" doesn't have anything to do with either miles or stones, right?) And then to beat out a pregnant, big-titted woman such as Barbara? Wow! If these were the regular Oscars I bet you'd give the award to her coz she's pregnant. But so glad that you guys aren't PC and only honour the best - and my puffy breasts are certainly that."
 


1974.

Pascale Christophe in "Immoral Tales"

Lise Danvers & Charlotte Alexandra in "Immoral Tales"

Marianne Eggerickx in "Shadow of a Chance" (upper row) + "Glissements progressifs du plaisir" (lower row)

Kathleen Tolan in "Death Wish"

Chesty Morgan in "Deadly Weapons" (left) + "Double Agent 73" (right)

Jill Damas in "The Games Girls Play"

Judy Matheson in "Confessions of a Window Cleaner" & Halina Kowalska in "Jak to se robi"

Judy Stevenson in "Alvin Rides Again"

Jeannie Bell in "Policewoman" (upper) + "T.N.T. Jackson" (lower)

Adriana Asti in "The Phantom of Liberty" & Pam Grier in "The Arena" (above right) + "Foxy Brown" (below)


Cheryl Rainbeaux Smith in "Caged Heat" (above - not pregnant) + "The Swinging Cheerleaders" (below - pregnant)

Rosanne Katon in "The Swinging Cheerleaders"

Candy Samples in "Flesh Gordon"

Ornella Muti in "Romanzo Popolare"

Lisa Harrow in "The Tempter"

Muriel Catala in "The Verdict" & Valerie Perrine in "Lenny"


And The Winner Is...

Sharon Kelly for "Foxy Brown"


Acceptance Speech: "Oh my Goooooood, thank you sooooo much for this! Everyone thought Pam would win, and I hope she doesn't throw too much of a fit... There she is, sitting in the... one... two... three... Sitting in the third row. She seems calm about it, but she may explode later, I hope not. It can't be easy losing out to me, seeing as how we were both in the same movie, and she was the star and I was just one of the girls who briefly flash their tits and all. Anyway, glad the Academy of Tits & Boobs recognized my chestal talents, coz guys have been jerking off to me for years - and now this, the icing on the cake! Wow!"



1975.

Reda Wyatt & Debbi Morgan in "Mandingo"

Adriana Asti in "Conviene far bene l'amore" & Laura Misch in "Mandingo"

Colleen Camp in "Death Game" & Lynn Lowry in "Shivers"

Luciana Paluzzi in "The Sensuous Nurse" & Agostina Belli in "Conviene far bene l'amore"

Sharon Kelly in "Ilsa of the SS" & Ingrid Steeger in "Klimbim"


Pam Grier in "Bucktown" (upper left) + "Friday Foster"

Jill Damas in "Can You Keep It Up For a Week?"

Barbara Marzano in "The Bloodsucker Leads the Dance", Gloria Guida in "Nei panni du una novizia" (photo), "Il gatto mammone", "Peccati di gioventu" + "Blue Jeans" & Laura Antonelli in "Divina Creatura"

Venicia Day in "Can You Keep It Up For A Week"



And The Best Pair Of Movie Tits This Year Belongs To...

Melanie Griffith for "Night Moves" & "Smile"


Acceptance Speech: "Wow, people, you rock! It's just so cool and stuff to finally win an award! I'm already 18 and I've been thinking how much longer will it finally take these people to recognize my talents and make me, like, walk on the podium and collect a golden trophy and stuff? I made two films with nude stuff in them, just to make sure you guys didn't forget to nominate me. I even begged the "Smile" director to let me do a blow-job scene, but he simply, like, refused and stuff. I guess he doesn't have the sorta artistic vision like Bernardo Bertolucci who always makes his stars do sexual stuff with real genitals and stuff. Although, he did sweat noticably when I said it, ha-ha-ha! Old men are so funny when hot young nepotistic Lolitas turn on the pheromones and talk dirty to them! You shoulda seen his face! Btw, I feel kinda guilty for beating out so many black chicks for this cool award, but I hope this doesn't make me seem less politically correct and stuff. I love black people, really I do. Anyway, thanks to my lion-taming Mom for being a big Hollywood star which meant that she could hand me a movie career on a silver plate in spite of the fact that I, like, talk slowly like a retard and can't act for shit - but hey, these are tits awards! I got great knockers! And I'll never get a boob-job, ever! Those silicone sluts are so dumb."



1976.

Ornella Muti in "La dernierre femme" & Laura Antonelli in "L'Innocente"

Stefania Casini in "1900" & Sonia Braga in "Dona Flor & Her Two Husbands"

Eiko Matsuda in "In The Realm of the Senses" & Edwige Fenech in "La dottoressa del distretto militare" (photo) + "La pretora"

Lynda Carter in "Bobbie Jo & The Outlaw" & Teresa Ann Savoy in "Salon Kitty"


Fiona Lewis & Pam Grier in "Drum"

Candice Rialson in "Hollywood Boulevard" & Florinda Chico in "Cria Cuervos"

Azizi Johari in "The Killing of a Chinese Bookie"

Tara Strohmeier in "Hollywood Boulevard"

Olivia Munday in "Keep It Up Downstairs"

Gila von Weitershausen in "Le souffle au coeur" & Luan Peters in "Not Tonight, Darling"

Ria de Simone in "Sorbole... che romagnola" (left) + "Cuginetta... amore mio" (right)

Uschi Digard in "Fantasm"

 
And The Winner Of This Year's Oscar Is...

Candy Samples for "Fantasm"


Acceptance Speech: "I knew I'd win. I mean, Teresa has those juicy virginal titties, Edwige is hot as ever, and Laura is always there, but no bitch can compete with my huge porn tits. Yes, I usually do porn and I'm proud of it. Nothing can be more honest and true than fucking in front of the camera. Bernardo Bertolucci and some Japanese guy tried to popularize fucking and put it into mainstream recently, and it might just work. These Commies know what's good for us, and there can be nothing better for our children than to watch large penises being thrust into sweaty hairy bushes. Bernardo, this award goes to you, coz I know the next time you make a porn film disguised as art-cinema you will hire me, coz I got the best jugs in the world, and the whole family can come to the cinema to watch me fuck 30 guys in one of your fancy fuck-fest art flicks."



1977.

Melinda Dillon in "Slapshot" & Beverly D'Angelo in "First Love" (photo) + "The Sentinel"

Melanie Griffith in "Joyride" (left and center) + "Ha-Gan" (right)

Carole Bouquet in "That Obscure Object of Desire"

Heather Deeley in "Fiona"

Betty Verges in "The Fruit Is Ripe"

Susan Dey in "First Love" & Dijana Sporcic in "Bestije"

Jenny Agutter in "Equus" & Barbara Bach in "Ecco noi per esempio"

Suzy Mandel in "Come Play With Me" & Svetlana Bojkovic in "Pas Koji Je Voleo Vozove"

Penelope Milford in "Valentino"

Lillian Muller in "Some Like It Cool"

Katia Christine in "Some Like It Cool"

Jeannie Bell in "Some Like It Cool"

Marilyn Joi in "The Happy Hooker Goes To Washington"

Dawn Clark & Bonnie Large in "The Happy Hooker Goes to Washington"

Tara Strohmeier in ""The Kentucky Fried Movie"

Esperanza Joy in "Gusanos de seda"

Eva Garden in "Vanessa" & Candice Rialson in "Chatterbox"

Uschi Digard in "The Kentucky Fried Movie"

Simone Griffeth in "Death Race 2000" & Sylvia Kristel in "Alice Or The Last Escapade"



And The Oscar For Best Jugs Goes To...

Olivia Pascal for "Vanessa"


Acceptance Speech: "There was absolutely no way my puffy nips wouldn't bring me victory, so I knew I would win. Thank you for this award, and I'm just glad that bitch Melanie didn't win again, coz she had two nudie movies this year, and we're all happy her plans were screwed."




1978.

Susan Sarandon in "Pretty Baby"

Helen Shaver (but not shaven) in "In Praise of Older Women"

Jill Clayburgh in "An Unmarried Woman"

Gail Lawrence (Abigail Clayton) in "Bye Bye Monkey"

Barbara Bach in "Force 10 From Navarone" & Minah Bird in "The Stud"

Catherine Bach in "Crazed" & Kathleen Beller in "The Betsy"

Marilyn Joi in "Nurse Sherri"

Edwige Fenech in "L'insegnante va in collegio" (photo) + "La soldatessa alle grandi manovre"

Irene Miracle in "Midnight Express"

Chantal Westerman in "The Seniors" & Susannah York in "The Shout"


And The Winner Is...

Camille Keaton for "I Spit On Your Grave"


Acceptance Speech: "Wow, thanks a lot for this! Boy, am I glad someone is finally validating all that effort I put into shooting rape scenes for an entire three days. People complain the movie is exploitation and smutty. But how the fuck else are you gonna portray the serial, repetetive rape of an innocent young writer than by having me roll naked in mud for an hour and then take a pair of scissors and cut off the rapists' balls? And I gotta say also, was I pissed that I didn't win this in 1972! My tits were exquisite back then, even perkier than now, so I really panicked I'd never win the Best Tits Oscar, coz time does not do perky tits any justice, you know. I talked to several Academy voters back then, and they told me I must have lost out to Stella by just a hair's length. A pubic hair's length."



1979.

Merima Isakovic in "Jovana Lukina"

Helen Mirren & Adriana Asti in "Caligula"

Katja Bienert in "Schulmadchen vom Treffpunkt Zoo"

Edwige Fenech in "La poliziota della squadra del buoncostume" & Pascale Christophe in "Immoral Women"

Donatella Damiani in "La liceale seduce i professori"

Gloria Guida in "L'infermeria" & Constance Money in "10"

Debbie Linden in "Home Before Midnight"

Auretta Gay in "Zombie"

Marilyn Joi in "Cheerleaders Wild Weekend"

Angela Aames in "HOTS" & Deborah Geffner in "All That Jazz"


Eri Kanuma in "Angel Guts: Nami"


Dominique Laffin in "La femme qui pleure"




And The Oscar For Best Melons Goes To...

Lisa London for "HOTS"

Acceptance Speech: "Sorry, Angela, but I get to carry this award home. You have nice tits too, but mine are better. And anyway, we didn't get along so well during the shooting of the movie, and that's coz you're a dumb cunt! No, no. No use shouting, nobody can hear you. I've got the mike, and that means all ears are directed towards me and no-one gives three shits what you're saying, you skank. Trying to win more nude scenes and screen-time by blowing the assistant producer! Just how low can you get, girl? Don't you know that the executive producer is the one to blow if you wanna advance your career? Damn, you're stupid. Anyway, thanks to the Academy of Artistic Tits & Sciences for giving me this fantastic award. I shall cherish it always, and hopefully you guys will award my enormous tits again, when I do another shitty comedy with boobs. Angela, kiss my ass!"





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6 comments:

  1. Thanks for this article!

    ReplyDelete
  2. what shitty taste you have in tits. fucking hell are you even a man? you like fat hairy nipples?! wtf is wrong with you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Roseanne Barr, stop insulting my hos! It's not my fault you're too ugly for these lists.

      Delete
  3. Has to be Susan george . I'd fuck her while sucking her gorgeous tits .

    ReplyDelete