Wednesday, 31 July 2013

Oscars For Best Tits (1967-2013): The 80s


It's likely I will be closing all Tits Oscars posts on this blog soon. To find all Tits Oscars posts, 1967-2013, visit this blog instead: 




The Acadumby Awards, better known as the Oscars, is one of the stupidest, phoniest, cheesiest, and most ridiculous annual events (of any kind) in the world - that much we know. However, what very few of you do know is that every year Hollywood honours actresses with the obscure but to me most prestigious award of them all - the Best Tits Oscar.

I am quite pleased (and a little proud too I have to admit) to inform you that I have been the Chairman of this award ceremony since its inception in 1968. That year, Hollywood realized that decadence had finally hit the big screens to the extent where there were enough boobs to validate the existence of such an award. Until then, bare tits were rarely seen in films, due to heavy censorship laws, the fact that there were less sluts in show-biz, and because the Kremlin-pushed hippie revolution hadn't yet happened i.e. brought about a general lowering of standards.

Very importantly, the breastal winners aren't decided by the usual 5,000 politically-correct, brainwashed morons who infest Tinseltown and vote for those idiotic regular Oscars. As a result, factors such as political orientation, nepotism, and pat-on-the-back favouritism do not influence the outcome in any way. As Chairman of these awards, I personally handpick the 5,000 voters, and I can assure you that they are all male and straight. There's none of that nonsense of gays and women deciding what does or doesn't constitute a beautiful female body, as is the case with Hollywood and the fashion world these days (which is why we have increasingly ugly women celebs such as Jennifer Aniston - who has very shit tits, as well, I might add).

How did I pick the 5,000 voters? I'd decided that the best men for the job are chronic masturbators.

RULES: Documentaries, movie shorts, music clips, and porn are not eligible. Silicone implants are banned from competing, so you won't be seeing any of those; breast implants are a form of cheating, but more importantly they're extremely ugly. All nominees get their breasts hand-tested, in cases where it's not 100% sure whether their tits are real or not. Asking them whether their boobs are fake isn't enough since, as we all know, actresses tend to lie a lot - and not just on casting couches.

LAYOUT: Each year shows ALL the outstanding tits. Actresses with average or shitty tits are not included, no matter how famous they may be. FIVE of these are selected to be actual nominees, just like with the regular shitty Oscars. The winner and the other four nominees are all marked with bold lettering. For those of you who still don't get it: these 5 are the best of the year. All the candidates - nominees and non-nominees - aren't listed in any particular order, except the winner who is shown at the end of each year's list.

So now that you know who picked the winners and what the criteria are, check out the lucky gals who got to carry home these prestigious awards for showing their great tits to the general public.

A more primitive version of the Best Tits Oscar list had first been posted by me in 2009.




Oscars For Best Tits: 1980-1989



1980.

Cindy Morgan in "Caddyshack" & Dawn Clark in "Hollywood Knights"

Katja Bienert in "Fabian" & Tatum O'Neal in "Circle of Two"

Mare Winningham in "One-Trick Pony" & Serena Grandi in "Les exploits d'un jeune Don Juan"

Kareen Schroter in "Und nachstes Jahr am Balaton" & Brigitte Lahaie in "Night of the Hunted"

Sibylle Rauch in "Drei Lederhosen in St. Tropez"

Lisa Glaser in "Humanoids of the Deep"

Anne Bennent in "Lulu"


And The Best Tits Oscar Goes To...

Dominique Journet in "Night of the Hunted"


Acceptance Speech: "C'est avec beacoup jolie que j'apprend cette Les Meilleur Tits Award, et je pense que Tatum ne doit etre furieux, parcequ'elle est une salope tres jeune et a beacoup de temps pour montre sa tits dans les prochaines films que cette slut nepotistique fais. Lisa, tu etais le favorite pour gagner cette trophy mais ma tits sont plus belle que tes tits, au moins c'est que le majorite de 5,000 masturbateurs pense."



1981.

P.J. Soles in "Stripes" & Carole Bouquet in "Tag der Idioten"

Jennifer Stewart in "Sizzle Beach, U.S.A."

Sylvia Wright in "Sizzle Beach, U.S.A." (left) + "Bloody Birthday" (right)

Carole Davis in "Piranha 2" & Edwige Fenech in "Cornetti alla crema"

Gila von Weitershausen in "Die Faelschung"

Isabelle Adjani in "Quartet" (pics on the left), "Next Year If All Goes Well" (top right) + "Possession" (bottom right)

Laura Antonelli in "Chaste And Pure"

Azizi Johari in "Body and Soul"

Elizabeth Berridge in "Funhouse" & Ljiljana Blagojevic in "Da li se secas Dolly Bell?"

Luan Peters (Aussie girl from Fawlty Towers) in "Pacific Banana"

Jamie Rose in "Just Before Dawn"

Terri Welles in "Looker"


And The Winner Is...

Julie Andrews in "S.O.B."


Acceptance Speech: "Do you guys realize that this was the first time ever I showed my tits to anyone, aside from my husband of course. And the boyfriend before him. And the dozens of quickie affairs before the boyfriend. Wow. And what about the fact that I chose to premiere my boobs for the first time at the age of 46 - and straight away won! Perhaps I should pursue a softcore porn career from now on, seeing as how not many offers are coming my way these days - apart from getting to star in this stinking bomb coz Blake knows he'd never get oral sex from me ever again if he didn't give me parts in his movies. After all, why else marry a Hollywood director, right? Certainly not because of his looks, I mean just look at his stupid face. So here I am, all the way, way way back from the naive 60s "Mary Poppins" fluff for the kiddies to this vapid tasteless comedy directed by my stupid husband Blake Edwards - now that deserves respect. To tell you the truth, showing my tits wasn't his idea, it was mine. I guess I just wanted all those young cows to see how a pair of middle-aged tits can stand and not hang despite their age. And now I even snatched the award right under their noses. Kiss my ass, bitches!"




1982.

Tessa Richarde in "Cat People" (left) + "The Last American Virgin" (right)

Diane Franklin in "The Last American Virgin"

Myriem Roussel in "Godard's Passion"

Joanna Whalley in "A Kind of Loving" & Leslie Graves in "Death Wish 2"

Jenny Wright in "The World According To Garp" & Annette O'Toole in "Cat People"

Kimberly McArthur in "Young Doctors In Love"

Jeanne Goupil in "Paradis pour tous"

Gisele Lindley in "Forbidden Zone"

Desiree Nosbusch in "Der Fan"

Lory del Santo in "La Gorilla" & Penelope Milford in "Blood Link"

Camille Keaton in "Kung Fu Cannibals" (left and center) + "The Concrete Jungle" (right)

Michela Miti in "Vieni avanti cretino"

Christa Abel in "Das liebestolle Internat"

Fanny Cottencon in "Paradis pour tous"

Debra Blee in "The Beach Girls"

Terri Susan Smith in "Basket Case"



And The Girl With The Best Boobs Is...

Lana Wood in "Demon Rage"


Acceptance Speech: "Does Wood ring a bell... anyone?... No, no, no, I don't mean a cock getting hard when a guy sees my great big tits on the small screen. I mean "Wood", as in Natalie Wood. I'm her little sister. Yup, you might have seen me fall into a swimming pool in a James Bond movie, but most likely you will remember me for this amazing B-movie horror flick in which a ghost, played by that Indian Sandokan guy, repeatedly rapes me during the night. Barbara Hershey made a movie this year with the exact same premise, so fuck her and fuck that director for trying to sponge off of our fame! Here I am raking up this award for getting sexually assaulted by a ghost, and Barbara who also had ghost issues didn't even get nominated! Well, Babs, next time you make a movie about being raped 150 times make sure you show more tits - and also make sure they're YOURS! Having a stand-in is cheating, bitch... Anyway, really really happy to win this thing, and if I make any more movies in which I'm sleeping naked at night so that a ghost can molest me with more ease, please feel free to nominate me again. The food here is great, and the drinks aren't bad either. I've had a few bottles already and still haven't even remotely tried to vomit. So many great tits that have been nominated this year, and I feel blessed, proud but also humble to have beaten all these 20 staggeringly beautiful boobs. And remember, none of you are losers, because taking your clothes off in front of millions of people is art, and when you make art you should feel like an artist. We're all artists!"




1983.

Lea Thompson in "All the Right Moves"

 Monique Gabrielle in "Chained Heat"

Valerie Kaprisky in "Breathless" & Michelle Mais in "Trading Places"

Sandrine Bonnaire in "A nos amours" & Beverly D'Angelo in "Vacation"

Sonia Braga in "Gabriela" & Kimberly McArthur in "Easy Money"

Elzbieta Panas in "Wielki Szu"

Astrid Brandt in "Screwballs" & Desiree Nosbusch in "Questo e quello"

Maryam D'Abo in "XTRO" & Terrea Foster in "Screwballs"

Barbara Peckinpaugh in "The Witching" (added scene in a re-issue of a 1972 movie)

Sue Bowser in "Scarface" & Patti Tippo in "10 To Midnight"

Lynda Wiesmeier in "Private School"

Katya Berger in "The Moon in the Gutter"

Kym Malin in "Joysticks"

Atsuko Asano in "The Geisha"

Graem McGavin in "My Tutor"

Phyllis Logan in "Another Time, Another Place"

Oona Kirsch in "The Nation's Health"


And The Best Tits Oscar Goes To...

Jennifer Inch in "Screwballs"


Acceptance Speech: "Like wow! Oh my God, and stuff, it's like such a thrill to be standing here, facing so many horny men and breastaly gifted women, accepting this awesome award! I have never, like, not even in my wildest dreams imagined that one day me flashing my tits to millions of viewers will gain me this kind of respect, coz like getting an award means your peers and society see you as a true thespian artist and stuff, and like I'm so happy to be making these films coz when I take my tits out in the future I will know that they will not only make pants wet but get me perhaps like even more awards."




1984.

Hunter Tylo in "The Initiation" & Monique Gabrielle in "Bachelor Party"

Stefania Sandrelli in "Una donna allo specchio" & Anne Bennent in "Swann In Love"

Valerie Kaprisky in "L'annee des meduses" (below) + "La femme publique" (above)

Jennifer Inch in "Lady Libertine"

Maud Winchester in "Birdy" & Janice Renney in "Crimes of Passion"

Maruschka Detmers in "La pirate" (left) + "Vengeance du serpent a plumes" (right)

Dijana Sporcic in "Davitelj protiv davitelja"

Beate Finckh in "Ich oder du"

Lynda Wiesmeier in "R.S.V.P." (above) + "Preppies" (below)

Angela Aames in "The Lost Empire"

Karin Mani in "Alley Cat" & Judith Baldwin in "No Small Affair"

Linda Blair & Rebecca Perle in "Savage Streets"

Marina Sirtis in "Blind Date"

Bo Derek in "Bolero"

Elizabeth Berridge in "Amadeus" & Victoria Abril in "Rio abajo"


Vitomira Loncar in "U raljama zivota"

Graem McGavin in "Angel"



And The Winner Is...

Michelle Johnson in "Blame It On Rio"


Acceptance Speech: "Yes!!! I honestly didn't think I'd win it, because there were soooo many hot favourites to lift this amazing award. Not just another 10 excellent pairs of tits that make our male audiences drool and pant like retards, but also so many bushy shots this year in all those arty European films about incest, rape, sadism, pedophilia, and sexual violence, so I thought our little Michael Caine comedy didn't stand a chance. But it just goes to prove that Vjetropev has held his word that the award wouldn't be about politics, nepotism or anything else but tits."



1985.

Kelly Preston in "Mischief" (right) + "Secret Admirer" (left)

Serena Grandi in "Miranda" & Melissa Leo in "Streetwalkin'"

Sarah Miles (left and middle) & Felicity Dean in "Steaming"

Sue Bowser in "Into the Night" & Joyce Hyser in "Just One of the Guys"

Debi Sue Voorhees in "Friday the 13th Part 5" (left) + "Appointment With Fear" & Monique Gabrielle in "Screen Test"

Maria Isabel Lopez & Sarsi Emmanuelle in "Silip"

Myra Manibog in "Silip"

Emmanuelle Seigner in "Detective"

Lisa Allison in "Love Circles"

Pauline Lafont in "Cop au vin" + "Le pactole"

Lynda Wiesmeier in "Malibu Express"

Barbara Edwards & Kimberley McArthur in "Malibu Express"

Greta Scacchi in "The Coca Cola Kid"

Ewa Carlson in "Jane Horney" & Hilary Shepard in "Private Resort"

Sandrine Bonnaire in "Police"

Ewa Zietek in "Nadzor"

Kathleen Kinmont in "Fraternity Vacation"

Barbara Crampton in "Re-Animator" (upper and middle) + "Fraternity Vacation " (last row)

Juliette Binoche in "Family Life" + "Rendez-vous"

Rose McVeigh in "Porky's Revenge" & "Rebecca Wood in "Friday the 13th Part 5"

Sandra Beall in "Key Exchange" & CJ Fidler in "Loose Screws"

Anne Gautier in "Hail Mary"



And The Oscar Goes To...

Myriem Roussel in "Hail Mary" (above) + "Tristesse et beaute" (below)


& Also...


Mathilda May in "Lifeforce"


Yes, this year there was a tie between two pairs of tits i.e. two women. 


Acceptance Speech (Myriem): "Je crois que ce n'est pas fair que je ne suis pas la seule gagneur de ca trophieux fantasique. Cette putain la, cette Mathilda May, doit etre heureux que sa tits ont la meme numereux de votes que moi. Salope."

Acceptance Speech (Mathilda): "You done, bitch? OK, it's my turn now. I have no idea what the French skank just said, but she mentioned my name, and she'd better have said something nice about me, or I'll get even more peeved than I already am. To share an award with a damn Frenchy who can't even learn five words of English to thank these 5,000 honorable American wankers for giving her this award is bad enough. Still, I hope you all enjoyed our bizarre little sci-fi tale that featured me naked for almost the entire time. Chairman Vjetropev says this is one of the most competitive years ever, and that a large number of amazing tits didn't even get to be nominated. What an honour. Thank you, Vjetropev, for giving our boobs the respect they deserve!"



1986.

Frances Raines in "Breeders"

Sabine Haudepin in "Max mon amour"

Helen Nicholas in "Working Girls" & Lisa Eichhorn in "Opposing Force"

Louise Smith in "Working Girls"

Stella Stevens in "Monster in the Closet" & Jasna Beri in "Lepota Poroka"

Jasmina Medenica in "Sekula i njegove zene"

Cynthia Dale in "The Boy In Blue" & Ann Hull in "Shadows Run Black"

Mirjana Blaskovic in "Smeker"

Maja Mitic in "Smeker"

Maruschka Detmers in "Devil in the Flesh"

Marta Klubowicz in "The Apple Tree of Paradise"

Oona Kirsch in "Forever Young" & Serena Grandi in "Desiderando Guilia"

Florence Guerin in "La bonne"

Lenore Zann in "One Night Only"

Tatjana Simic in "Flodder"

Janelle Brady in "Class of Nuke 'Em High"


And The Winner Is...

Patricia Barzyk in "La machine a decoudre"

Acceptance Speech: "Je veux me gratuir pour gagner cette trophy magnifique, est je promis que je vais montrer ma melons dans toute les filmes prochaines que je fais. C'est artistique est je vais etre toujours un artiste de filmeaux."



1987.

Pauline Lafont in "Sale destine" (left) + "L'ete en pente douce"

Patty Duffek in "Hard Ticket to Hawaii", Marianne Saegbrecht in "Bagdad Cafe" & Liz Hurley in "Aria"

Dona Speir in "Hard Ticket to Hawaii"

Caroline Milmoe in "The Magic Toyshop"

Helen Mirren in "Cause Celebre"

Annette O'Toole in "Cross My Heart" & Serena Grandi in "Delirium"

Monique Gabrielle in "Amazon Women on the Moon" + "Deathstalker II"

Amanda Donohue in "Castaway"

Greta Scacchi in "White Mischief" (left) + "A Man In Love" (middle) + "Good Morning Babylon" (right)

Julie McCullough in "Big Bad Mama II"

Hope Marie Carlton in "Hard Ticket To Hawaii"



And The Best Tits Oscar Goes To...

Diane Lane in "The Big Town" (left) + "Lady Beware" (right)



Acceptance Speech: "I'm so glad that finally an American woman won this amazing award again. If I hear another acceptance speech in French I'll slit my husband's wrists. Anyway, so cool to have the rare honour and privilege of flashing my boobs in two different movies this year, which was both fun - and funny. Funny coz, I mean you should've seen the film crew! Half the guys were jerking off, while the other half were struggling to find clean tissues. Damn, it's fun making art."



1988.

Sherilyn Fenn in "Two-Moon Junction"

Liz Hurley in "Rowing With the Wind" & Elizabeth Kaitan in "Friday the 13th Part 7"

Kim Cattrall in "Masquerade" & Hope Marie Carlton in "Picasso Trigger"

Giuditta del Vecchio in "Snack Bar Budapest"

Anna Galiena in "La travestie" & Jennifer Inch in "Birds in Paradise"

Charlotte Gainsbourg in "La petite voleuse"

Sinolicka Trpkova in "Dom za vesanje"

Petronella Barker in "Sweetwater"

 Cibby Danyla in "They Live" & Virginia Madsen in "Gotham" (right)


Uma Thurman in "Dangerous Liaisons" & Teri Weigel in "Cheerleader Camp"

Jessica Moore (Luciana Ottaviani) in "Non aver paura della zia Marta"

Maribel Verdu in "Sinatra"

Kym Malin in "Picasso Trigger"




And The Oscar Goes To...

Tracy Lords in "Not of This Earth"


Acceptance Speech: "Gee whiz, where do I even start? I mean, everyone knows I was on CNN just a few years ago, coz I was doing underage porn bla bla bla, and now look at where it's gotten me? Legit movies! OK, I still flash my boobs, and I'm naked and all that, but when the penis goes inside my vagina the viewers don't get to see it! It's PRETEND fucking. See, now that's what makes art art: the penis is nowhere in sight and the bush is only rarely seen. My story should be an inspiration to all the young girls out there - and a lesson to be learned: if you do porn aged less than 18 make sure nobody finds out, but even if they do it's not really your fault coz you were too young to understand what fucking is so you don't have to worry about getting into trouble, and then you get a proper movie career handed to you coz you're a famous headline slut. I am glad and proud to win this award almost as much as I'm proud to be a role model to little girls everywhere. Young whores need to know that it IS safe to do porn as a young girl, and that it CAN lead to a movie career. Of course, you do need to have fantastic knockers like me in order to WIN an award as amazing as this one. I will place this trophy right next to my Miss Teen Wet-Shirt Skank Of The Year award, and I shall make sure none of my many lovers stain it while we have sex. Thanks, people."



1989.

Cordelia Gonzalez in "Born on the 4th of July"

Rosie Perez in "Do the Right Thing"

Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio in "The January Man"

Sophie Marceau in "My Nights Are More Beautiful Than Yours"

Yeardley Smith in "Ginger Ale Afternoon"

Vanessa Paradis in "Noce Blanche" &  Gina Bellman in "Blackeyes"

Karen Colston in "Sweetie"

Youki Kudoh in "Mystery Train"

Lolita Davidovich in "Blaze" & Lisa London in "Savage Beach"

Katherine E. Miller in "The January Man" & Judy Tatum in "Witchtrap"

Oksana Arbuzova in "Avariya - doch menta"

Judith Godreche in "La fille de 15 ans"



And The Oscar For Best Tits Goes To...

Teri Weigel in "Savage Beach"

Acceptance Speech: "Pew! I would have hated to lose twice in a row. Last year I was a bit fuller and I think that was what helped me win the award this time around, coz I am noticably thinner now. No?... Chairman Vjetropev, you want to say something?... I think he's trying to say... Yes, he's saying that I didn't win coz of the weight lost last year but coz Traci Lords is unbeatable. Well, Mr. Chairman, I don't know if you can speak on behalf of all 5,000 masturbators who vote for this award, but... You can? He says he can. Anyway, I'd like to say hi to all my friends and family who must be thrilled to have their daughter, sister, and friend run around naked in films."




Best Tits Oscars 2013: 


Or perhaps you want to watch an Ingmar Bergman movie being spoofed? 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zkTCmdmYvrs


21 Reasons Not To Get Tattoos! A list for all the young, impressionable, hype-happy fad slaves out there: 




Julie Andrews


7 comments:

  1. Hoe many tits!!!
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    Thanks

    ReplyDelete
  2. I like Melanie Griffith in Ha-Gan 1977

    ReplyDelete
  3. How come the 2010-2012 tits awards page's been deleted?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Mr. Fokker, it hasn't. Its location has merely been shifted. You will find the link above the comments, with all the other links.

      Delete
  4. Fantastic articles is post by you in this blog. You give a nice thing. Thank you for such a nice article. Every word of this blog helps me to give detail to me.
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    ReplyDelete
  5. Don`t particularly like most of the tits but your comments on the Imdb are fantastic.
    Intelligent,witty,politically incorrect.By far the best movie critic of all times.
    The "Goat" of movie critics so to say.Better than watching the crap itself mostly.
    My favourite movies are "Barry Lyndon","Garde a Vue" and "Im Wendekreis der Eidechse".
    I would love to read about the latter two from you,as you already said what you think about "Barry Lyndon".A pity ,that you don`t write much these days.I always enjoy it.Meraviglioso!
    Thanks for that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The best movie critic of all time? I didn't even realize I WAS a critic!

      As for the tits, either you're a woman, or a very picky male, or you're used to porn's finest. I can only select those boobs that the movie world throws at us.

      Delete