Tuesday, 22 March 2016

Nudism Special

WARNING: Explicit photos of naked idiots doing very stupid things.

Believe It Or Not! Nudism Special

Believe it or not... some nudists don't have a problem showing everything in public places - but refuse to take off their glasses!

Believe it or not... the average IQ of nudists is less than that of a brain-damaged chimp!

Believe it or not... some nudists actually look like primates!

Believe it or not... the mortality rate among snow nudists is around 100%!

Believe it or not... snow nudists are negotiating with Nepalese and Chinese governments to allow for a nudist camp at the peak of Mount Everest!

Believe it or not... 90% of all snow nudists drop from hypothermia already at 3,000 m above sea level when climbing Mount Everest. The other 10% drop 5 minutes later at 3,011 meters!

Believe it or not... some female nudists breast-feed their nudist offspring upside-down because they believe that if milk is drunk that way, it will make the baby fart less!

Believe it or not... male nudists with a BMI over 50 never get laid on nudist beaches - even though 99% of all female nudists are sluts!

Believe it or not... nudists f*** and reproduce like bunnies!

Believe it or not... only 93.8% of all children who grow up in a nudist environment end up as junkies, prostitutes, pedophiles, rapists or swingers!

Believe it or not... camel nudists wear less clothes than the animals that are forced to ride them around!

Believe it or not... skydiving nudists - who refuse to wear parachutes out of principle - nearly always fall down at speeds up to 1000 km/h, crushing at least 100 bones in their body, and end up looking like pancakes!

Believe it or not... nudists with a BMI of 50 or higher, who can't be transported by either airplane or helicopter due to their enormous size, are forced to borrow ladders from where they pursue their skydiving hobby! The landing is usually relatively soft, so that obese skydiving nudists can continue their hobby, unlike their (much) skinnier counterparts. "Falling on my ass is like falling on a huge soft pillow," says one such ladder-skydiving BMI-scale-crushing nudist.

Believe it or not... the quality of sex for nudists is directly proportional with how many people are gawking at them while they're involved in the exhibitionistic mating ritual. Couples who have sex with nobody watching are known to fall into depression and even throw themselves into the mouths of sharks!

Believe it or not... nudists are sometimes so desperate for attention that they will go into dangerous waters, hoping that at least some sharks and octopi get to see them naked! Some nudists even claim that sea urchins and starfish gawk at them, even though there is approximately zero scientific evidence for it.

Believe it or not... nudists sometimes rush off into spontaneous stampedes! That usually happens when at least 65% of the herd hasn't had sex in a whole hour or feel they haven't received enough attention from gawkers. The running helps them attract attention which increases chances of spontaneous mating with a stranger.

Believe it or not... some nudist herds start off a stampede just because one of them falsely thought he heard someone shout "massive orgy 100 meters from here". It is enough for one herd member to think they heard this, and the rest of the herd follow suit like mindless zombies!

Believe it or not... when a horny herd stops running, realizing that the stampede was in vain because there is no orgy anywhere around, they are so tired that they simply stand around looking dazed and confused!

Believe it or not... a woman with breast implants is 11 times more likely to show off her shitty fake boobs than a woman with pretty, natural breasts!

Believe it or not... a man with a huge penis is 28 times more likely to become a nudist than a man with a tiny penis, and 9 times more likely than a man with an average-sized penis! Nudists with large penises are often seen posing in the middle of the beach, seeking attention from gawkers, jealous males, and horny female nudists.

Believe it or not... when playing golf on nudist camps, nudists are allowed to use the penis as a putter! When a woman uses her partner's penis to hit the ball, it usually leads to spontaneous sex which leads to pregnancy or VDs, depending on the nudists.

Believe it or not... before commencing a mass beach orgy, nudists form a large circle in hope of being seen from space by astronauts and satellites, the way the Great Wall of China is seen!

Believe it or not... when a female nudist sees a small erection, she smiles and pretends she doesn't notice it! The male nudist suspects that his erection is being ignored because it is too small, and struggles to smile along. An hour later, his lifeless body is taken out of the mouth of a shark.

Believe it or not... only 1 out of 17 nudists manages to solve a crossword puzzle - even puzzles that have a 5-letter limit or are written for children!

Believe it or not... Islam condones nudism, but the requirements are that the women are covered in black garments from head to toe, and never enter the water unless their husbands expressly allow them to do so in a written statement signed by the local imam. The signature cannot be obtained without a 5-year waiting period, and must be signed with the blood of a heretic!

Believe it or not... once a Sharia-law Muslim woman nudist finally gets approval to bathe in a sea or ocean after waiting 5 years to have her permission papers signed by her local imam with the blood of a non-believer, her clothes often "blow up" in the water! This attracts male sperm whales who approach the beach to try to mate with the married Muslim woman. But because she is married, by Sharia law the woman is at fault if a whale tries to sexually molest her, and if caught mating with a whale (other than her fat whale of a husband) she is pronounced guilty of adultery by a hastily organized mob council and sentenced to stoning. The execution doesn't take 5 years, but is in fact carried out within an hour of her last contact with the whale - or as soon as the mob finds enough rocks.

Believe it or not... when watching Animal Planet, three out of five nudists think it's a nudist channel for animals!

Believe it or not... when nudists engage in tug-of-war, any female member of the winning team usually falls onto the erect penis of the man standing behind her, after which they engage immediately in sex! It is for this reason that the tug-of-war teams are always arranged in alternating sexual order, male, female, male, female, male, female etc to increase the chance of accidental boning. Viagra is handed out before-hand.

Believe it or not... ugly women with great-looking breasts are 17 times more likely to become nudists than beautiful women with great-looking breasts!

Believe it or not... when not involved in masturbation, public posing, or staring at each other's wet genitals, nudists like to sing Kumbaya to the tune of Madonna songs!

Believe it or not... hiking nudists refuse to climb higher than 1900 meters above sea level because the air there is so rare that they can't have sex for 5 hours at a time as they are used to!

Believe it or not... when hiking nudists ask for directions, they always first ask whether there is a nearby mountain-top shaped like a penis onto which they can sit and rest!

Believe it or not... when hiking nudists get lost and don't know which direction to take, they use the biggest penis in the group as a compass! Sometimes, none of the penises can get up (due to an excessive amount of shagging or monkey-pulling during the trip), so the women use their vaginas to find direction. The pubic hair is believed to point North at all times, although some nudist tribes believe that the pubic hair is pointing toward the nearest beach orgy.

Believe it or not... nearly all nudists have some bullshit New Age close-with-nature Buddhist excuse about spirituality for why they love to show their tits and genitals in public, and very rarely admit to going naked just because they're sexually-deviant attention-seekers.

Saturday, 6 February 2016

Fedtards - The 10 Commandments

No IF about it, fedtards! It's finally become a reality. You ARE a religion!
And you need to write its, you ninnies, not it's. Thou shallt not misspell God's flags in vain.

Yes, my beloved fedtards, it's finally become a reality! What started as a fairly stupid small phenomenon in 2004 - when a lot of you suddenly discovered imaginary quantities of moral superiority and an abundance of non-existent charisma in a Swiss man whom most of you until then thought of as thoroughly boring - grew and grew into a stupid global movement, attracting battalions of misfits, lunatics, bored housewives and other easily-lead sheep. 

The fedtard movement kept going strong and attracting new members until it devolved into what it is today: a gazillion-strong army of rabid fanboys and fangirls obsessed with the GOAT myth - a popular fairy-tale full of superlatives concocted by RF's multi-million dollar corporate machine that, with the aid of the restless hype propagated by the well-bribed pro-Federer media, managed to convince practically all of its adherents that Federer is above and beyond anything ever seen or heard before on the tennis court, and perhaps even outside of it.

The fedtard movement was "just" a large army, but thanks to misinformation and the cult of 17 quickly expanded into an even larger army, and now, finally, into a proper world religion as well. 

With the help of my Novak and Rafa spies I managed to get a hold of the first copy of the soon-to-be-released collection of religious ramblings written by COF's head priests. The Church of Fedtardology worked hard on these commandments - and they are precisely that: commands. So read them, enjoy them - and above all, learn them! Learn, read, learn, read, learn and memorize! Because, my dear white-crossed red-clad zealots, these 10 commandments are now required reading, required literature, required everything. 

And remember: convert as many heathens as you can! May the entire world bow to our God and Master! 

But first...

Yes, the Swiss gay man has finally done it! He's won the much coveted no 18 in the land of koalas! Fedtards are rejoicing in the streets, rejoicing in the fields, rejoicing in the zoos, rejoicing in public toilets, rejoicing in swinger clubs, rejoicing in gay clubs, rejoicing with each other! As soon as he converted his first match point, fedtards the world over (but especially America, India and Moslem countries) started screaming hysterically! Some fell over, some sobbed uncontrollably while holding their private parts, and some even started spontaneously pleasuring each other orally! There are reports of fedtards with their faces covered with semen - and many of them male! Some fedtards are reaching such states of religious fervour that they are trying to eat their own legs! (Such fedtards are being carried off into lunatic asylums especially built in advance in anticipation of RF winning no 18.) Some fedtards are so escatic they are devouring tennis balls and jumping on one leg! (These fedtards are also being escorted into those special institutions built since 2012 to accomodate the looniest fedtards in the case of an 18-win scenario.) Fedtards everywhere finally don't have to feel like losers! They have WON so much through a Swiss man they'd never met - and who doesn't even give a shit about their puny existence! Millions of fedtards suffering from heavy depressions since 2013 have been miraculously cured! They no longer have to watch matches from 2012 and earlier! Fedtards are ejaculating so much out of every orifice that scientists believe there could be mass fertilization of green areas all over the globe! 
Yes, finally some use from fedtards.

The 10 Fedtard Commandments!

1. There is only one God – Roger the Federer – and no other GOAT. God Of All Time. God Of All Space. GOAST - God Of All Space and Time. The Holy Goast, the amazing RF. 

2. Tennis didn’t exist before 2003. It was created in 14 days out of nothing but grass and a Wilson racket when the Holy Ghost won Wimbledon against the legendary Philippoussis, a giant among men despite his low ranking and zero slams.

3. Thou shallt tirelessly spread the Lord's word about the Holy Goast being the Only, the Chosen One, the Unique Cosmic Messiah. Thou shallt spread thine fanaticism through memes. Thou shallt do this any way thou kannst.

A typical example of a fedtard-made meme sponsored by the Church of Fedtardology. The focus is on Federer and only Federer - as the beginning, middle and end of all tennis, as the Creator and Master of tennis and all sports, arts and sciences and as the most pure being in the omniverse. Federer is all there ever was and all there ever will be - according to his drooling followers.

4. Thou shallt not pray or bel18ve in other gods except for your Lord and Master RF - unless of course some other player wins more slams than RF. In that case, thou shallt forget about Roger Federer and start worshiping that player instead.

5. Thou shallt respect elephants and not eat them, for they are sacred animals.

And here is why. Roger Federer rode on an elephant once, and since then they have been sanctified as a protected species by the Church of Fedtardology. 
This particular elephant has been named Brother Joseph by the Church, and his value is estimated to be $59,000,000,000, a price no fedtard can afford yet. (Even if Brother Joseph cost $500 most fedtards wouldn't be able to buy him because they are encouraged to spend all their money on a variety of RF products.)

He is kept at the grounds of the Church of Fedtardology Command Center, where he enjoys long walks and studies very old clips of Federer's slam finale wins. Sometimes he craps on the DVD players that play the clips, by mistake. Some nasty rumours claim that he does this on purpose because he is a Rafa fan.
Speaking of which, fedtards worship Brother Joseph so much that his turds are sold as RF merchandise! The Church of Fedtardology estimates that they make over a million dollars per year on Joe's craps alone.

More on shitting in Commandments no. 61-62.

6. Brother Joseph is thy holy elephant and thou shallt respect, love and obey him. Thou shallt also buy his brown products, which can be found in any RF merchandise store near you. For only 10 Euros thou kannst have your own small elephant - because all of Brother Joseph's products are molded into small elephant figurines. Buy now! Supplies aren't dwindling but there are millions of fedtards waiting in long lines to buy a piece of Joseph. 

7. Every player who has a positive H2H against our God Roger is a vile person possessed by Satan.

8. Every player who has a positive H2H against the Holy One is a PED user.

9. Doping by Messiah's toughest opponents doesn’t need to be proven by evidence. It must be a fact because RF is unbeatable. 

10. The Chosen One does not dope. Because why would God use PEDs? He is peRFect. He is invincible. 

11. Skinny pros such as our Lord and Master never use PEDs. This 100% accurate rule does not apply to the Serb war criminal who is high on gluten. 

12. The ATP, just like GOAST, moves in mysterious ways hence allows gluten doping. All fedtards shall unite in the fight to ban gluten from tennis. 

And on the 9th day He got drunk, realizing that the byproduct of his new creation are millions of deranged, needy fedtards.

13. Thou shallt not hate but spread rogerofedererian love, except when it comes to that Spanish butt-picker and the Serb war criminal who deserve all your bile and contempt.

14. Brother Andy is a wonderful person, and a tennis legend. Thou shallt pity or mock Roddick, depending on your mood. 

15. The fact that our noble Church sometimes mocks Roddick for his awful slam finale track-record does not present a blatant contradiction to the huge respect we supposedly have for his career - which is, we repeat, a legendary career despite his inability to win more than one slam title, and despite his 3-148 H2H vs GOAT. 

16. Players who won less than 17 slam titles are inferior, unimportant, and unworthy of our attention, except when we mock them. 

17. Thou shallt try not to mock players (except the butt-picker) from the Bloody Amazing Mega-Giga Strong Not-at-all-weak Era because we don't want to give blasphemers (non-fedtards) more ammunition in their stupid argument that 2003-2007 was a "weak era". Ha ha ha ha ha! Weak era? LOL! 

17. Thou shallt always type "ha ha ha ha ha LOL" in internet comments sections as means to hide your anger and frustration, whenever faced with a blasphemer who presents you facts about GOAST not being GOAT. 

17. Whenever GOAST RF is only ranked no 2 or no 3 (an extremely low ranking) he is way past his prime. Whenever he wins back the no 1 spot that means he is again in his prime, and when he loses the no 1 spot again that means he is way past his prime yet again. 

17. If Messiah RF is ranked no 4 or lower that means he must have advanced mono or huge back pains or anal warts (which he probably got from hand-shaking the butt-picker) or whatever other things which he refuses to talk about to the press because as we all know God is very modest and not a whiner. 

A recent demographics study concluded that Oprah's studio crowds and the fedtard population are almost identical, sharing 90% of the same demographics.

17. The numbers 23-11 are utterly meaningless - especially 23. Not to mention the numbers 9-2, from which only 2 counts as important. They are, like, so stupid and stuff! Numbers are confusing and tell the wrong story most of the time. 

17. The only number that thou shallt memorize, worship and chant 5 times a day is the number SEVENTEEN, the holiest of all numbers. 

17. Thou shallt chant the number 17 over and over and over until you feel like you've been thoroughly moronized. That means you've reached the holy state of fedtardic Nirvana, better known as Fedtardana. 

17. Number 17 shall be the number thou shallt feel sexual over, for it is the holy and sacred number over which our beloved and all-powerful GOAST sweated his holy drops of sweat (collected into a holy cup, to be auctioned off in Basel), spilling litres of it onto many a court all over the world (Roger's playground where he tortures all his non-PED opponents) just so He can spiritually and sexually fulfill us, his endlessly loyal and painfully brainwashed fedtards. 

17. Thou shallt freely express your sexual longing for the Holy One, regardless of thine sex, for our Lord is a metrosexual Lord. There is enough of the Messiah's love and semen to go around for all fedtards. 

Middle-aged, overweight, female fedtards often go overboard with their sexual longing, as this X-rated fan banner shows.

This particular Oprah fedtard (better knows as an opfedtard), was disappointed that Roger didn't ask her backstage after the match, so for the next match she had the banner somewhat altered to make sure he understood this time what she wants.

17. God is all-powerful. God gets injured and gets mono, and sometimes "loses" matches. Thou shallt ignore this contradiction. Ignorance and fanatical zeal shall set thee free. 

The X-rated banner fad spread quickly. This fedtard groupie makes no bones about her ambitions.

17. The world of adults uses false logic. Adults are stupid. We are the smart ones. Fedtarded logic is true logic and the only logic thou shallt use. 

17. Thou shallt convince yourself - and all heathens - despite common sense that clay is an inferior surface. Only butt-pickers and other players without talent win on it. Except when RF wins on clay, which is when clay becomes an equal to grass, but that lasts only until he loses again to the butt-picker on clay which is when clay becomes an inferior, shitty, pointless surface again. 

17. Thou shallt sign the petition to get the fucking ATP to introduce ice to the tour! We've had enough of surface sabotage! The conspiracy against our Lord must end - with a blood-signed written apology and a whole bunch of ice-rinks turned into tennis courts! 

Ever since Federer started regularly losing big matches that he was not "supposed" to lose (i.e. since Nadal started kicking his ass as a teenager), fedtard paranoia started skyrocketing, quickly leading them to devise a conspiracy theory (one of many) about how surfaces were "intentionally and maliciously slowed down" during the 2004-2007 Weak Era so that RF could dominate less
As a result, fedtards have been working on a petition to have ice introduced as a tennis surface: the Church of Fedtardology had decided that the best "compromise solution" would be for the "ATP to pay for its past sins of switzerenian sabotage" by allowing at least one grand slam to be played on ice. It is estimated that serves could reach speeds of over 500 km/h on frozen water, which - tennis experts tell us - will be finally speedy enough for Djokovic and Nadal to start losing more matches to RF.

17. Thou shallt be very vocal in insisting that ice-tennis be played by the rules that the Church of Fedtardology devised, and by no other rules. Thou shallt bombard the ATP and the ITF with demands to that effect. 

What the Church of Fedtardology is referring to here are the rules that they want to be accepted before Roger Federer steps onto a tennis court covered with ice for his first official ice match: 
1. Any time Federer's opponent falls into an ice-hole, Federer wins the point. 
2. Should Federer's opponent - after he'd fallen into the icey water - fail to get out and resume the match within 30 seconds, he is disqualified. 
3. Should the Spanish butt-picker fall into a hole, he is given 5 seconds to get out and resume the match. Failure to do so results in a default win for Federer and a 6-month match ban for the butt-picker for disrespecting the game by making a slapstick mockery of it. 
4. Should the Serb war-criminal fall into a hole during a rally, Federer's fans will be allowed to throw eggs at him to prevent him from getting out from the hole on time hence beating Maestro - as he normally does. 
5. Should the Maestro - through some bizarre cosmic chance - fall into a hole, he shall be given assistance by the referee and ball-boys to get out of the hole, and shall be given an additional 30 minutes to warm up and recover from the fall - which doesn't cost him the point, because that point will be repeated (again and again until Federer wins the point.) 
6. If a polar bear wearing an RF T-shirt appears out of nowhere and attacks Federer's opponent, the referee may not stop the point. 
7. If Federer's opponent harms the polar bear in any way, PETA will be notified and that player's name will be smeared by our powerful RF media propaganda machine. 
8. Whenever Federer slips on the ice - which will be extremely rare as he is peRFect in every way - the point will be repeated (again and again until he wins it). 
9. The French Open will be the slam to be played on ice, but because Paris is too warm, it shall be moved to the Swiss Alps and be renamed into "The Swiss Open" or maybe even more appropriately, "The Maestro Swiss Open", although some of us are quite adamant that it be called "The Divine PeRFect Swiss Open That Our Lord Maestro Always Wins Coz It's So Fucking Quick So There Is No Time For Rallies Which Maestro Might Lose Because He Relies On His Serve So Much". 
10. Karlovic, Isner, Anderson and any other guy taller than 195 cm will be banned from playing the Swiss Ice Open. 
17. The Davis Cup used to be a stupid easy-to-win event and totally irrelevant - until the Messiah won it almost single-handedly with only very minimal "help" from that adulterer and sinner Wawrinka. If God doesn’t win Davis Cup ever again that will mean that Davis Cup is back to being less relevant than the stellarly important Masters Cup which God won 6 times, but still more important than it was before RF won it. (This commandment is a little complicated to understand but as a fedtard thou shallt not understand but merely memorize all commandments and blindly follow and believe in them.)

The evolutionist faction will soon be excommunicated from the Church of Fedtardology, by order of RF's High Priest Xenu who controls all sales of RF merchandise, including RF bibles, RF perfumes, RF lipstick, and RF toilet paper. High Priest Xenu, who is high on crack as most fedtards are, has reiterated that creationism is the only truth and that evolutionists aren't properly trained fedtards.

17. Brother Dustin is living proof that the butt-picker is a much worse player than RF. 

17. Dustin Brown had been elevated to sainthood by our Holy Church, and thou shallt worship, respect and admire Mr. Brown (unless he beats our Lord) and thou bist allowed to listen to some of the reggae music that he likes. But keep in mind that Swiss polka yodel-techno is where your financial focus must be at when it comes to purchasing music products. The latest yodel-techno CD released by our divine church is called Only Happy Swiss Cows Give Lots Of Milk, yours for only 18 Euros. Get one of the first 10,000 copies which are hand-signed by the Lord himself!

Only a happy cow gives milk - indeed. Here we have a typical specimen, branded as every farm cow is with a tattoo. But unlike regular farm cows, fedtard cows pay for their own tattoos. 
Once a fedtarded cow is branded this way, it's loyalty makes it very milky. The Church of Fedtardology makes sure it takes as much milk from these cows as they can, a religious institution that thrives on milky cows that know when to open their teats and let the milk flow right into the management's pockets.

17. Thou shallt buy as many RF brand products as you can. Thou shallt take out bank loans to buy more RF products when - not if - you run out of money. Thou shallt not but fake Chinese imitations or you shall burn for en eternity. Thou shallt wear all your RF shirts, RF flags, RF caps, RF socks, RF earrings, and RF condoms proudly at sports events and on the street and in schools and at the workplace. 

17. Thou shallt always shout the Lord's name in vain at tennis stadiums. It might especially be in vain when he plays against the Serb war criminal in a slam.

17. Despite numerous "losses" to the Serb, there is hope still: our Master's new weapon, the SOBR!

How does Novak respond to Roger's generous offer?

1. "Is that a proposition or a threat, Roger?"

2. "That's one offer anyone can refuse!" 

3. "I've heard talk of bribes in tennis, but I doubt they meant this."

4. "Do you have a magic wand as well? I think I can make a few changes on her. Like 39 changes."

 5. "I'll think about it, Roger. The only good thing I can think of is that Mirka is the only woman on the planet that Jelena would not be jealous of if she caught me cheating."

6. "What if I get her pregnant? Are you sure you're ready for us to become family?"

7.  "If you managed to give her twins every time, then I'd probably give her triplets. You ready for 7 kids?" 

8. "Rafa told me about this offer. Just how many players have you beaten this way?"

9. "Rafa told me about this offer. Judging from your H2H he must have said no."

10. "Rafa told me about this offer. But unlike him, I won't vomit in response but shall just politely say no."      

17. Thou shallt not be embarrassed to cry out the name of our Saviour on stadiums in a shrill voice. Neither shallt thou be embarrassed to behave like a deranged 11 year-old teeny-bopper when shouting out stupid pro-God slogans during His matches. 

17. Thou shallt boo and hiss and scream out obscenities at the stadium whenever the Serb war criminal makes a double fault. It is most likely that you will be shouting the Lord's name in vain, because He usually "loses" to the war criminal. 

17. Because the Serb pariah very rarely makes double faults, thou shallt also boo and hiss and be generally obnoxious and uncivilized whenever he misses his first serve. 

17. Thou shallt always remind thyself that the Serb war criminal is hated by every single person on the planet - a fact proven with extensive research by our Church Of Fedtardology Science Center. The polls were conducted in Basel, Bombay, and with Oprah's studio audiences, hence on neutral ground, hence 100% reliable. 

18. Thou shallt have an ambivalent attitude toward the no 17. On the one hand, thou shallt worship it because it is the number that keeps our Holy GOAST a GOAT. On the other hand, thou shallt be a little sick and tired of waiting for so long for that number to go to 18 - which is the number that comes right after 17 as our church experts have deducted. Tis the number thou shallt start worshiping if the butt-picker continues to play shit and if the Serb war criminal stops taking gluten illegally - or if he finally accepts our bribes to let GOAST win. 

GOAST is a very interesting type of GOAT in the sense that this particular Swiss GOAT lies in wait until his main opponents start playing badly when he can finally start beating them again. This Swiss GOAT gets to graze grass only when all the other GOATS are done grazing. So he's a sort of GOAT, isn't he? A patient GOAT. A sneaky type of GOAT that collects slams only when all the other GOATS are retired or not playing great.

18. Bel18ve! Bel18ve! Bel18ve! 

Self-hypnosis has become the drug of choice (along with crack heroine) for members of Church of Fedtardology. Bel18vers are expected to stare at hypnotic spirals at least once a week for as long as they can. There are reports of some fedtards reaching new levels of religious ecstasy, and such fedtards are called "born-again fedtards". Scientists bel18ve that born-again fedtards experience a second lobotomy through the "spiraling" as it's called. Born-again fedtards bel18ve not only in 18 but in 38. To them, the slam count is almost limitless.

18. Thou shallt spend every Sabbath thinking up new excuses for why our Lord loses key matches in grand slams against the Spanish butt-picker and the Serb war criminal. 

The anguish inflicted on millions of fedtards by the mighty gluten-free sword of the Serb warrior makes fedtards seek the closeness of their religious texts more and more.

44. The fact that the Messiah won the ATP Sportsmanshit Award gazillion times (meaning 11) is all the proof we need that God is indeed good. Those awards mean that the Church of Fedtardology can conveniently ignore RF's criticisms of other (inferior) players, his occasional bitching to the referee about the (inferior) opponent doing 1 second more than the 25 seconds allowed between serves, ignore subtle insults and jibes hurled at his (inferior) opponents at press conferences, ignore RF's ego-trip yuppie posing in a white jacket on Wimbledon's Center Court, or any other displays of arrogance and deep-seated narcissism, very undivine traits.

45. Thou shallt firmly bel18ve that the ATP Sportsmanshit Award counts almost as much as winning a grand slam title because popularity is the same as athletic success. That basically means that God has 28 grand slam titles, because a computer expert told us that 17 and 11 when added together give that extraordinary number. (17+11=28! Adding: another miracle of modern science, brought to you by the Church of Fedtardology.) 

46. Even if the Serb war criminal wins 17 slam titles through his gluten-ous PED use and Weak Era opponents (except GOAST, he isn't weak, and yet he is because he is so old), he shall be way way way behind our GOAST in greatness because he never won the highly prestigious and totally unbiased ATP Sportsmanshit Award which is 100% proof of a person's goodness - and proof that the war criminal is an asshole whom everyone at the ATP hates, including his wife, his brothers, Boris Becker and even his own fans. Yes, even the Serb's own fans hate him - they just don't know it yet because they are heathens.

47. Thou shallt believe that any season which the Serb war criminal or the Spanish butt-picker dominates must be part of a weak era during which RF had mononucleosis, a devastating disease that reduces the Maestro's number of aces from around 500 to around 490 per season. 

48. When Ivo Karlovic or John Isner serve 50 aces per match they are ridiculous servebots. When RF serves 50 aces in a match he is the Maestro. Not the same.

The Incredible Sulk.

49. The fact that our Lord wins at least one set whenever he "loses" in a slam match against the war criminal proves beyond a shadow of a Swiss doubt that the war criminal is a weak no 1. A strong number 1 would beat a 34 year-old no 2 with 60 61 61 every time. This has been scientifically proven by scientists and sports historians who work for the Church of Fedtardology. 

50. Whenever GOAT wins an important match, his incredibly old age of 34 proves that he is GOAT. Whenever GOAT "loses" an important match, his incredibly old age of 34 shall be used as an excuse for his alleged "loss". 

51. Thou shallt study German philosophers such as Hegel, Schopinghauer and Cunt who clearly stated that losing is a relative and elusive concept, that a true "loss" doesn't exist in the "sphere of the material world but is the extension of our own subjective perception of who won the fucking match" (from Cunt's classic book Scheissenhausen des Filosofum). 

52. The previous commandment applies only to GOAT, our Holy Goast. When his (inferior) opponents lose, they really DO lose, especially when they are crushed by the might of GOAST's peRFect backhand.

53. Our Lord was born with the peRFect body for sports. His natural elasticity has been proven with that famous photo of his nose which thou shallt hang as one of your many RF posters.

This is the photo in question. The famous pic of Federer's amazingly contortive nose hangs on the walls of every room in the Church of Fedtardology Command Center.
54. Thou shallt conveniently ignore the embarrassing and highly blasphemous fact that Andre Agassi took GOAST to 5 sets in 2004, when Agassi was 34 years old, and that he took RF to 4 sets in the 2005 USO finale when Agassi was 35 years old and plagued with back problems. Thou shallt also completely ignore the fact that Agassi had a 3-0 H2H against GOAST in their first matches, and that GOAST needed to wait until Andre turned 33 to finally beat him - after barely defending match points. These ugly facts need to be hush-hush because they would make it seem as though RF wasn't good enough to easily beat an "old man" during his RF's prime, which would mean we couldn't use the "prime player beating an old man in 4 tough sets" argument anymore, the way we have been right after the finals at Wimbledon and the U.S. Open in 2015.

55. Thou shallt forget thy shame of rooting for the Serb war criminal in 2011-2012 slam finals against the Spanish butt-picker, when we fedtards were ecstatic that there was someone to prevent the butt-picker from reaching 17 - which we know he would have done had he not been injured and had to deal with the war criminal's superior form. Back in 2011-2012, when the war criminal and the butt-picker dominated tennis in 4 successive slam finales (a period when Satan ruled the Earth), we stupidly thought that the war criminal could never get close to breaking our Lord's records. Fedtards are hereby BANNED from ever talking to other fedtards about this disgraceful period of time, when we rooted for the Serb criminal who then turned against us - making us look stupid because we were so sure that he would only beat the butt-picker in majors. 

56. Satanislas Wawrinka, the Swiss infidel and heretic who barely lifted a finger to "help" GOAST win the Davis Cup and who dared beat the Maestro at the 2015 French Open despite RF generously gifting Wawrinka with that Davis Cup trophy, does NOT have a better backhand than GOAST. He fornicates with an unwed, teenage Croat tennis girly so how can he possibly have a better backhand than the morally impeccable GOAST? Utter nonsense that as a fedtard thou shallt not tolerate on YT threads and tennis forums.

57. Thou shallt spend much of your free time posting hateful comments about the butt-picker and the war criminal on tennis forums and on YouTube, making sure everyone understands that their 25 slam titles don't mean anything and have no relevance at all in pro tennis let alone in the blasphemous "GOAT debates".

58. Thou shallt shamelessly brown-nose admins on tennis forums so you can influence them through secret PMs to ban all heretics, blasphemers, pariahs and other non-fedtards from the forums in case they dare write that GOAST isn't GOAT. Especially when they dare back up those filthy claims with actual facts.

59. Thou shallt register and become yet another lobotomized member of tt.tennis-warehouse.com, a fedtarded site run mostly by COF's spies and priests. This fedtarded lair allows you to spread fallacies, lies and other RF propaganda while helping ban all blasphemers from the forums. Ass-kissing of admins might or might not be necessary, depending on the admin, but most non-fedtard admins have been banished from the site already. Media genocide, the fedtard way. 

Tom Cruise, the world-renowned intellectual and star of classics such as "Mission Hilarious 3", has recently revealed on an episode of Oprah in front of a crowd of adoring and equally lobotomized middle-aged housewives that he is not only a member of the Church of Fedtardology, but that he is one of their High Priests. How high? According to reliable sources, he took four times his usual dose of crack cocaine for his appearance on the talk show. As a consummate professional and over-actor who always gives more than is required, he felt that a high dosage might help him more easily prove his point that the Church of Fedtardology is a serious institution and a religion worth sacrificing your brain-cells to. He also felt that standing on a couch might help reach the viewers in the back who otherwise wouldn't be able to see him due to his incredibly low height.

60. Freedom of speech only makes sense when the speech is adulatory of our Lord and Master. Any blasphemous conversation about who is GOAST shall be crushed with censorship and insults.

61. Thou shallt insult and mock the untalented butt-picker and the evil war criminal whenever you can. When heathens respond in kind, thou shallt complain about being harassed and bullied. 

62. Thou shallt not trust "facts". All facts are overrated. Mindless blind zombie worship sets you free, not meaningless numbers and logic. After all, numbers and facts all point to GOAST not being GOAT - and we all know that can't be true. 

63. Thou shallt respect the Lord's Holy Ass, for it never produces excrement, like those lowly, inferior animal and human asses like the ones that we meek servants of our Lord have, or the ugly Serbian ass possessed by the war criminal - whose brown stuff is the stinkiest of all turds we fedtards ever measured! He shits like a chicken, every 5 minutes and that's proof that he is scum and I hate him! I HATEEEE HIM!!!!!!!

The Church of Fedtardology's firm stance that Roger Federer isn't human, that he is in fact a divine alien superman from the 6th dimension created by a race of perfect beings in the most lofty regions of the omniverse - hence has no flaws of any kind - is the reason why fedtards have developed a belief that Roger never takes a daily dump like the rest of us. The belief that Roger never shits large quantities of the brown material initiates one dilemma however: why does he have an ass in the first place then?
64. And even if our Messiah did shit, so what! His shit would be the nicest-smelling crap in the multiverse. Thou shallt worship the Lord's hypothetical, non-existent shit as if it were the sweetest-smelling perfume in the finest New York boutique visited often by our Lord Federer whenever he prepares to metrosexualize himself real proper and nice.

65. Every grand slam event that our Lord and Master Federer doesn't win has been influenced by Satan himself! (Or herself; we are currently debating on whether to proclaim all beings traditionally regarded to be male as female, because we're so politically-correct like our Lord Federer who might be Miss Federer, who the holy fuck knows.)

66. There shall be only one religion that thou followst fanatically like a bird-brained maggot, and that is Fedtardology, based on the teachings of fedtardation, texts given to us by our Swiss-German prophet (without Nazi heritage) Roger Federer.

The Church of Fedtardology even goes as far as to claim that Fedtardology (based on the teachings of fedtardation found in scriptures dating back all the way to 1999) is the religion that spawned all the other ("worthless") religions. Fedtardology, they claim, is at the center of all religious belief, and the Church of Fedtardology has threatened to sue all the other religions for "ripping us off" unless they all agree to wear RF T-shirts and use RF toilet paper. The International Islamic Group and the Congregation of All Christians stated they refuse to wear RF logos, but don't mind wiping their buts with RF's toilet-paper.

67. Thou shallt study hard the scriptures of Fedtardology, found in the Holy Book Of Fed. Only when you complete these studies will you get close to reaching the 5th Theban level of complete and utter Nirvana, a state of total obliviousness to common sense and logic, the most peRFect state in all of cosmos.

RF's church claims that whenever one opens the Holy Book Of Fed, a mysterious light appears out of the holy texts. They say, however, that in order for the light to appear properly, one must light a candle beforehand and place it at a "religiously suitable angle to the book".
68. That shallt be aware of all the texts in the Holy Book of Fed, including 23:8 that states that "our Lord and Tutor Roger Federer should and shall win all the grand slam events until the year 2039. Any failure to do so can be traced to the powerful influence of Satanism and evil on the ATP tour."

69. Whenever a non-believer tells you that thou bist in denial, tell them SEVENTEEEEEEN. If that doesn't work, kick them in the balls. That's the strongest argument we fedtards have on our side. It's also our only argument.

OK, so there are more than 10 commandments. Who said fedtards can count? As they admitted themselves, they can usually handle only one number, and that's 17. 

Fedtards, the clowns of the tennis world. The only fan-base in all of sports to "elevate" itself into a religion. Might they even form their own country some day? Nothing surprises about fedtards: perhaps they will all learn to speak German and invade Spain and Serbia, just to let off some steam.

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