Saturday, 6 February 2016

Fedtards - The 10 Commandments



No IF about it, fedtards! It's finally become a reality. You ARE a religion!
And you need to write its, you ninnies, not it's. Thou shallt not misspell God's flags in vain.


Yes, my beloved fedtards, it's finally become a reality! What started as a fairly stupid small phenomenon in 2004 - when a lot of you suddenly discovered imaginary quantities of moral superiority and an abundance of non-existent charisma in a Swiss man whom most of you until then thought of as thoroughly boring - grew and grew into a stupid global movement, attracting battalions of misfits, lunatics, bored housewives and other easily-lead sheep. 

The fedtard movement kept going strong and attracting new members until it devolved into what it is today: a gazillion-strong army of rabid fanboys and fangirls obsessed with the GOAT myth - a popular fairy-tale full of superlatives concocted by RF's multi-million dollar corporate machine that, with the aid of the restless hype propagated by the well-bribed pro-Federer media, managed to convince practically all of its adherents that Federer is above and beyond anything ever seen or heard before on the tennis court, and perhaps even outside of it.

The fedtard movement was "just" a large army, but thanks to misinformation and the cult of 17 quickly expanded into an even larger army, and now, finally, into a proper world religion as well. 

With the help of my Novak and Rafa spies I managed to get a hold of the first copy of the soon-to-be-released collection of religious ramblings written by COF's head priests. The Church of Fedtardology worked hard on these commandments - and they are precisely that: commands. So read them, enjoy them - and above all, learn them! Learn, read, learn, read, learn and memorize! Because, my dear white-crossed red-clad zealots, these 10 commandments are now required reading, required literature, required everything. 

And remember: convert as many heathens as you can! May the entire world bow to our God and Master! 


But first...


Yes, the Swiss gay man has finally done it! He's won the much coveted no 18 in the land of koalas! Fedtards are rejoicing in the streets, rejoicing in the fields, rejoicing in the zoos, rejoicing in public toilets, rejoicing in swinger clubs, rejoicing in gay clubs, rejoicing with each other! As soon as he converted his first match point, fedtards the world over (but especially America, India and Moslem countries) started screaming hysterically! Some fell over, some sobbed uncontrollably while holding their private parts, and some even started spontaneously pleasuring each other orally! There are reports of fedtards with their faces covered with semen - and many of them male! Some fedtards are reaching such states of religious fervour that they are trying to eat their own legs! (Such fedtards are being carried off into lunatic asylums especially built in advance in anticipation of RF winning no 18.) Some fedtards are so escatic they are devouring tennis balls and jumping on one leg! (These fedtards are also being escorted into those special institutions built since 2012 to accomodate the looniest fedtards in the case of an 18-win scenario.) Fedtards everywhere finally don't have to feel like losers! They have WON so much through a Swiss man they'd never met - and who doesn't even give a shit about their puny existence! Millions of fedtards suffering from heavy depressions since 2013 have been miraculously cured! They no longer have to watch matches from 2012 and earlier! Fedtards are ejaculating so much out of every orifice that scientists believe there could be mass fertilization of green areas all over the globe! 
Yes, finally some use from fedtards.



The 10 Fedtard Commandments!



1. There is only one God – Roger the Federer – and no other GOAT. God Of All Time. God Of All Space. GOAST - God Of All Space and Time. The Holy Goast, the amazing RF. 

2. Tennis didn’t exist before 2003. It was created in 14 days out of nothing but grass and a Wilson racket when the Holy Ghost won Wimbledon against the legendary Philippoussis, a giant among men despite his low ranking and zero slams.

3. Thou shallt tirelessly spread the Lord's word about the Holy Goast being the Only, the Chosen One, the Unique Cosmic Messiah. Thou shallt spread thine fanaticism through memes. Thou shallt do this any way thou kannst.

A typical example of a fedtard-made meme sponsored by the Church of Fedtardology. The focus is on Federer and only Federer - as the beginning, middle and end of all tennis, as the Creator and Master of tennis and all sports, arts and sciences and as the most pure being in the omniverse. Federer is all there ever was and all there ever will be - according to his drooling followers.

4. Thou shallt not pray or bel18ve in other gods except for your Lord and Master RF - unless of course some other player wins more slams than RF. In that case, thou shallt forget about Roger Federer and start worshiping that player instead.

5. Thou shallt respect elephants and not eat them, for they are sacred animals.

And here is why. Roger Federer rode on an elephant once, and since then they have been sanctified as a protected species by the Church of Fedtardology. 
This particular elephant has been named Brother Joseph by the Church, and his value is estimated to be $59,000,000,000, a price no fedtard can afford yet. (Even if Brother Joseph cost $500 most fedtards wouldn't be able to buy him because they are encouraged to spend all their money on a variety of RF products.)

He is kept at the grounds of the Church of Fedtardology Command Center, where he enjoys long walks and studies very old clips of Federer's slam finale wins. Sometimes he craps on the DVD players that play the clips, by mistake. Some nasty rumours claim that he does this on purpose because he is a Rafa fan.
Speaking of which, fedtards worship Brother Joseph so much that his turds are sold as RF merchandise! The Church of Fedtardology estimates that they make over a million dollars per year on Joe's craps alone.

More on shitting in Commandments no. 61-62.
 

6. Brother Joseph is thy holy elephant and thou shallt respect, love and obey him. Thou shallt also buy his brown products, which can be found in any RF merchandise store near you. For only 10 Euros thou kannst have your own small elephant - because all of Brother Joseph's products are molded into small elephant figurines. Buy now! Supplies aren't dwindling but there are millions of fedtards waiting in long lines to buy a piece of Joseph. 

7. Every player who has a positive H2H against our God Roger is a vile person possessed by Satan.

8. Every player who has a positive H2H against the Holy One is a PED user.

9. Doping by Messiah's toughest opponents doesn’t need to be proven by evidence. It must be a fact because RF is unbeatable. 

10. The Chosen One does not dope. Because why would God use PEDs? He is peRFect. He is invincible. 

11. Skinny pros such as our Lord and Master never use PEDs. This 100% accurate rule does not apply to the Serb war criminal who is high on gluten. 

12. The ATP, just like GOAST, moves in mysterious ways hence allows gluten doping. All fedtards shall unite in the fight to ban gluten from tennis. 

And on the 9th day He got drunk, realizing that the byproduct of his new creation are millions of deranged, needy fedtards.

13. Thou shallt not hate but spread rogerofedererian love, except when it comes to that Spanish butt-picker and the Serb war criminal who deserve all your bile and contempt.

14. Brother Andy is a wonderful person, and a tennis legend. Thou shallt pity or mock Roddick, depending on your mood. 

15. The fact that our noble Church sometimes mocks Roddick for his awful slam finale track-record does not present a blatant contradiction to the huge respect we supposedly have for his career - which is, we repeat, a legendary career despite his inability to win more than one slam title, and despite his 3-148 H2H vs GOAT. 

16. Players who won less than 17 slam titles are inferior, unimportant, and unworthy of our attention, except when we mock them. 

17. Thou shallt try not to mock players (except the butt-picker) from the Bloody Amazing Mega-Giga Strong Not-at-all-weak Era because we don't want to give blasphemers (non-fedtards) more ammunition in their stupid argument that 2003-2007 was a "weak era". Ha ha ha ha ha! Weak era? LOL! 

17. Thou shallt always type "ha ha ha ha ha LOL" in internet comments sections as means to hide your anger and frustration, whenever faced with a blasphemer who presents you facts about GOAST not being GOAT. 



17. Whenever GOAST RF is only ranked no 2 or no 3 (an extremely low ranking) he is way past his prime. Whenever he wins back the no 1 spot that means he is again in his prime, and when he loses the no 1 spot again that means he is way past his prime yet again. 

17. If Messiah RF is ranked no 4 or lower that means he must have advanced mono or huge back pains or anal warts (which he probably got from hand-shaking the butt-picker) or whatever other things which he refuses to talk about to the press because as we all know God is very modest and not a whiner. 

A recent demographics study concluded that Oprah's studio crowds and the fedtard population are almost identical, sharing 90% of the same demographics.

17. The numbers 23-11 are utterly meaningless - especially 23. Not to mention the numbers 9-2, from which only 2 counts as important. They are, like, so stupid and stuff! Numbers are confusing and tell the wrong story most of the time. 

17. The only number that thou shallt memorize, worship and chant 5 times a day is the number SEVENTEEN, the holiest of all numbers. 

17. Thou shallt chant the number 17 over and over and over until you feel like you've been thoroughly moronized. That means you've reached the holy state of fedtardic Nirvana, better known as Fedtardana. 

17. Number 17 shall be the number thou shallt feel sexual over, for it is the holy and sacred number over which our beloved and all-powerful GOAST sweated his holy drops of sweat (collected into a holy cup, to be auctioned off in Basel), spilling litres of it onto many a court all over the world (Roger's playground where he tortures all his non-PED opponents) just so He can spiritually and sexually fulfill us, his endlessly loyal and painfully brainwashed fedtards. 

17. Thou shallt freely express your sexual longing for the Holy One, regardless of thine sex, for our Lord is a metrosexual Lord. There is enough of the Messiah's love and semen to go around for all fedtards. 

Middle-aged, overweight, female fedtards often go overboard with their sexual longing, as this X-rated fan banner shows.


This particular Oprah fedtard (better knows as an opfedtard), was disappointed that Roger didn't ask her backstage after the match, so for the next match she had the banner somewhat altered to make sure he understood this time what she wants.

17. God is all-powerful. God gets injured and gets mono, and sometimes "loses" matches. Thou shallt ignore this contradiction. Ignorance and fanatical zeal shall set thee free. 

The X-rated banner fad spread quickly. This fedtard groupie makes no bones about her ambitions.

17. The world of adults uses false logic. Adults are stupid. We are the smart ones. Fedtarded logic is true logic and the only logic thou shallt use. 

17. Thou shallt convince yourself - and all heathens - despite common sense that clay is an inferior surface. Only butt-pickers and other players without talent win on it. Except when RF wins on clay, which is when clay becomes an equal to grass, but that lasts only until he loses again to the butt-picker on clay which is when clay becomes an inferior, shitty, pointless surface again. 

17. Thou shallt sign the petition to get the fucking ATP to introduce ice to the tour! We've had enough of surface sabotage! The conspiracy against our Lord must end - with a blood-signed written apology and a whole bunch of ice-rinks turned into tennis courts! 

Ever since Federer started regularly losing big matches that he was not "supposed" to lose (i.e. since Nadal started kicking his ass as a teenager), fedtard paranoia started skyrocketing, quickly leading them to devise a conspiracy theory (one of many) about how surfaces were "intentionally and maliciously slowed down" during the 2004-2007 Weak Era so that RF could dominate less
As a result, fedtards have been working on a petition to have ice introduced as a tennis surface: the Church of Fedtardology had decided that the best "compromise solution" would be for the "ATP to pay for its past sins of switzerenian sabotage" by allowing at least one grand slam to be played on ice. It is estimated that serves could reach speeds of over 500 km/h on frozen water, which - tennis experts tell us - will be finally speedy enough for Djokovic and Nadal to start losing more matches to RF.

17. Thou shallt be very vocal in insisting that ice-tennis be played by the rules that the Church of Fedtardology devised, and by no other rules. Thou shallt bombard the ATP and the ITF with demands to that effect. 

What the Church of Fedtardology is referring to here are the rules that they want to be accepted before Roger Federer steps onto a tennis court covered with ice for his first official ice match: 
1. Any time Federer's opponent falls into an ice-hole, Federer wins the point. 
2. Should Federer's opponent - after he'd fallen into the icey water - fail to get out and resume the match within 30 seconds, he is disqualified. 
3. Should the Spanish butt-picker fall into a hole, he is given 5 seconds to get out and resume the match. Failure to do so results in a default win for Federer and a 6-month match ban for the butt-picker for disrespecting the game by making a slapstick mockery of it. 
4. Should the Serb war-criminal fall into a hole during a rally, Federer's fans will be allowed to throw eggs at him to prevent him from getting out from the hole on time hence beating Maestro - as he normally does. 
5. Should the Maestro - through some bizarre cosmic chance - fall into a hole, he shall be given assistance by the referee and ball-boys to get out of the hole, and shall be given an additional 30 minutes to warm up and recover from the fall - which doesn't cost him the point, because that point will be repeated (again and again until Federer wins the point.) 
6. If a polar bear wearing an RF T-shirt appears out of nowhere and attacks Federer's opponent, the referee may not stop the point. 
7. If Federer's opponent harms the polar bear in any way, PETA will be notified and that player's name will be smeared by our powerful RF media propaganda machine. 
8. Whenever Federer slips on the ice - which will be extremely rare as he is peRFect in every way - the point will be repeated (again and again until he wins it). 
9. The French Open will be the slam to be played on ice, but because Paris is too warm, it shall be moved to the Swiss Alps and be renamed into "The Swiss Open" or maybe even more appropriately, "The Maestro Swiss Open", although some of us are quite adamant that it be called "The Divine PeRFect Swiss Open That Our Lord Maestro Always Wins Coz It's So Fucking Quick So There Is No Time For Rallies Which Maestro Might Lose Because He Relies On His Serve So Much". 
10. Karlovic, Isner, Anderson and any other guy taller than 195 cm will be banned from playing the Swiss Ice Open. 
 
17. The Davis Cup used to be a stupid easy-to-win event and totally irrelevant - until the Messiah won it almost single-handedly with only very minimal "help" from that adulterer and sinner Wawrinka. If God doesn’t win Davis Cup ever again that will mean that Davis Cup is back to being less relevant than the stellarly important Masters Cup which God won 6 times, but still more important than it was before RF won it. (This commandment is a little complicated to understand but as a fedtard thou shallt not understand but merely memorize all commandments and blindly follow and believe in them.)

The evolutionist faction will soon be excommunicated from the Church of Fedtardology, by order of RF's High Priest Xenu who controls all sales of RF merchandise, including RF bibles, RF perfumes, RF lipstick, and RF toilet paper. High Priest Xenu, who is high on crack as most fedtards are, has reiterated that creationism is the only truth and that evolutionists aren't properly trained fedtards.


17. Brother Dustin is living proof that the butt-picker is a much worse player than RF. 

17. Dustin Brown had been elevated to sainthood by our Holy Church, and thou shallt worship, respect and admire Mr. Brown (unless he beats our Lord) and thou bist allowed to listen to some of the reggae music that he likes. But keep in mind that Swiss polka yodel-techno is where your financial focus must be at when it comes to purchasing music products. The latest yodel-techno CD released by our divine church is called Only Happy Swiss Cows Give Lots Of Milk, yours for only 18 Euros. Get one of the first 10,000 copies which are hand-signed by the Lord himself!

Only a happy cow gives milk - indeed. Here we have a typical specimen, branded as every farm cow is with a tattoo. But unlike regular farm cows, fedtard cows pay for their own tattoos. 
Once a fedtarded cow is branded this way, it's loyalty makes it very milky. The Church of Fedtardology makes sure it takes as much milk from these cows as they can, a religious institution that thrives on milky cows that know when to open their teats and let the milk flow right into the management's pockets.

17. Thou shallt buy as many RF brand products as you can. Thou shallt take out bank loans to buy more RF products when - not if - you run out of money. Thou shallt not but fake Chinese imitations or you shall burn for en eternity. Thou shallt wear all your RF shirts, RF flags, RF caps, RF socks, RF earrings, and RF condoms proudly at sports events and on the street and in schools and at the workplace. 

17. Thou shallt always shout the Lord's name in vain at tennis stadiums. It might especially be in vain when he plays against the Serb war criminal in a slam.




17. Despite numerous "losses" to the Serb, there is hope still: our Master's new weapon, the SOBR!

How does Novak respond to Roger's generous offer?

1. "Is that a proposition or a threat, Roger?"

2. "That's one offer anyone can refuse!" 

3. "I've heard talk of bribes in tennis, but I doubt they meant this."

4. "Do you have a magic wand as well? I think I can make a few changes on her. Like 39 changes."

 5. "I'll think about it, Roger. The only good thing I can think of is that Mirka is the only woman on the planet that Jelena would not be jealous of if she caught me cheating."

6. "What if I get her pregnant? Are you sure you're ready for us to become family?"

7.  "If you managed to give her twins every time, then I'd probably give her triplets. You ready for 7 kids?" 

8. "Rafa told me about this offer. Just how many players have you beaten this way?"

9. "Rafa told me about this offer. Judging from your H2H he must have said no."

10. "Rafa told me about this offer. But unlike him, I won't vomit in response but shall just politely say no."      


17. Thou shallt not be embarrassed to cry out the name of our Saviour on stadiums in a shrill voice. Neither shallt thou be embarrassed to behave like a deranged 11 year-old teeny-bopper when shouting out stupid pro-God slogans during His matches. 

17. Thou shallt boo and hiss and scream out obscenities at the stadium whenever the Serb war criminal makes a double fault. It is most likely that you will be shouting the Lord's name in vain, because He usually "loses" to the war criminal. 



17. Because the Serb pariah very rarely makes double faults, thou shallt also boo and hiss and be generally obnoxious and uncivilized whenever he misses his first serve. 



17. Thou shallt always remind thyself that the Serb war criminal is hated by every single person on the planet - a fact proven with extensive research by our Church Of Fedtardology Science Center. The polls were conducted in Basel, Bombay, and with Oprah's studio audiences, hence on neutral ground, hence 100% reliable. 

18. Thou shallt have an ambivalent attitude toward the no 17. On the one hand, thou shallt worship it because it is the number that keeps our Holy GOAST a GOAT. On the other hand, thou shallt be a little sick and tired of waiting for so long for that number to go to 18 - which is the number that comes right after 17 as our church experts have deducted. Tis the number thou shallt start worshiping if the butt-picker continues to play shit and if the Serb war criminal stops taking gluten illegally - or if he finally accepts our bribes to let GOAST win. 

GOAST is a very interesting type of GOAT in the sense that this particular Swiss GOAT lies in wait until his main opponents start playing badly when he can finally start beating them again. This Swiss GOAT gets to graze grass only when all the other GOATS are done grazing. So he's a sort of GOAT, isn't he? A patient GOAT. A sneaky type of GOAT that collects slams only when all the other GOATS are retired or not playing great.

18. Bel18ve! Bel18ve! Bel18ve! 

Self-hypnosis has become the drug of choice (along with crack heroine) for members of Church of Fedtardology. Bel18vers are expected to stare at hypnotic spirals at least once a week for as long as they can. There are reports of some fedtards reaching new levels of religious ecstasy, and such fedtards are called "born-again fedtards". Scientists bel18ve that born-again fedtards experience a second lobotomy through the "spiraling" as it's called. Born-again fedtards bel18ve not only in 18 but in 38. To them, the slam count is almost limitless.

18. Thou shallt spend every Sabbath thinking up new excuses for why our Lord loses key matches in grand slams against the Spanish butt-picker and the Serb war criminal. 

The anguish inflicted on millions of fedtards by the mighty gluten-free sword of the Serb warrior makes fedtards seek the closeness of their religious texts more and more.

44. The fact that the Messiah won the ATP Sportsmanshit Award gazillion times (meaning 11) is all the proof we need that God is indeed good. Those awards mean that the Church of Fedtardology can conveniently ignore RF's criticisms of other (inferior) players, his occasional bitching to the referee about the (inferior) opponent doing 1 second more than the 25 seconds allowed between serves, ignore subtle insults and jibes hurled at his (inferior) opponents at press conferences, ignore RF's ego-trip yuppie posing in a white jacket on Wimbledon's Center Court, or any other displays of arrogance and deep-seated narcissism, very undivine traits.

45. Thou shallt firmly bel18ve that the ATP Sportsmanshit Award counts almost as much as winning a grand slam title because popularity is the same as athletic success. That basically means that God has 28 grand slam titles, because a computer expert told us that 17 and 11 when added together give that extraordinary number. (17+11=28! Adding: another miracle of modern science, brought to you by the Church of Fedtardology.) 



46. Even if the Serb war criminal wins 17 slam titles through his gluten-ous PED use and Weak Era opponents (except GOAST, he isn't weak, and yet he is because he is so old), he shall be way way way behind our GOAST in greatness because he never won the highly prestigious and totally unbiased ATP Sportsmanshit Award which is 100% proof of a person's goodness - and proof that the war criminal is an asshole whom everyone at the ATP hates, including his wife, his brothers, Boris Becker and even his own fans. Yes, even the Serb's own fans hate him - they just don't know it yet because they are heathens.



47. Thou shallt believe that any season which the Serb war criminal or the Spanish butt-picker dominates must be part of a weak era during which RF had mononucleosis, a devastating disease that reduces the Maestro's number of aces from around 500 to around 490 per season. 

48. When Ivo Karlovic or John Isner serve 50 aces per match they are ridiculous servebots. When RF serves 50 aces in a match he is the Maestro. Not the same.

The Incredible Sulk.

49. The fact that our Lord wins at least one set whenever he "loses" in a slam match against the war criminal proves beyond a shadow of a Swiss doubt that the war criminal is a weak no 1. A strong number 1 would beat a 34 year-old no 2 with 60 61 61 every time. This has been scientifically proven by scientists and sports historians who work for the Church of Fedtardology. 

50. Whenever GOAT wins an important match, his incredibly old age of 34 proves that he is GOAT. Whenever GOAT "loses" an important match, his incredibly old age of 34 shall be used as an excuse for his alleged "loss". 

51. Thou shallt study German philosophers such as Hegel, Schopinghauer and Cunt who clearly stated that losing is a relative and elusive concept, that a true "loss" doesn't exist in the "sphere of the material world but is the extension of our own subjective perception of who won the fucking match" (from Cunt's classic book Scheissenhausen des Filosofum). 

52. The previous commandment applies only to GOAT, our Holy Goast. When his (inferior) opponents lose, they really DO lose, especially when they are crushed by the might of GOAST's peRFect backhand.

  
53. Our Lord was born with the peRFect body for sports. His natural elasticity has been proven with that famous photo of his nose which thou shallt hang as one of your many RF posters.

This is the photo in question. The famous pic of Federer's amazingly contortive nose hangs on the walls of every room in the Church of Fedtardology Command Center.
 
54. Thou shallt conveniently ignore the embarrassing and highly blasphemous fact that Andre Agassi took GOAST to 5 sets in 2004, when Agassi was 34 years old, and that he took RF to 4 sets in the 2005 USO finale when Agassi was 35 years old and plagued with back problems. Thou shallt also completely ignore the fact that Agassi had a 3-0 H2H against GOAST in their first matches, and that GOAST needed to wait until Andre turned 33 to finally beat him - after barely defending match points. These ugly facts need to be hush-hush because they would make it seem as though RF wasn't good enough to easily beat an "old man" during his RF's prime, which would mean we couldn't use the "prime player beating an old man in 4 tough sets" argument anymore, the way we have been right after the finals at Wimbledon and the U.S. Open in 2015.

55. Thou shallt forget thy shame of rooting for the Serb war criminal in 2011-2012 slam finals against the Spanish butt-picker, when we fedtards were ecstatic that there was someone to prevent the butt-picker from reaching 17 - which we know he would have done had he not been injured and had to deal with the war criminal's superior form. Back in 2011-2012, when the war criminal and the butt-picker dominated tennis in 4 successive slam finales (a period when Satan ruled the Earth), we stupidly thought that the war criminal could never get close to breaking our Lord's records. Fedtards are hereby BANNED from ever talking to other fedtards about this disgraceful period of time, when we rooted for the Serb criminal who then turned against us - making us look stupid because we were so sure that he would only beat the butt-picker in majors. 

56. Satanislas Wawrinka, the Swiss infidel and heretic who barely lifted a finger to "help" GOAST win the Davis Cup and who dared beat the Maestro at the 2015 French Open despite RF generously gifting Wawrinka with that Davis Cup trophy, does NOT have a better backhand than GOAST. He fornicates with an unwed, teenage Croat tennis girly so how can he possibly have a better backhand than the morally impeccable GOAST? Utter nonsense that as a fedtard thou shallt not tolerate on YT threads and tennis forums.

57. Thou shallt spend much of your free time posting hateful comments about the butt-picker and the war criminal on tennis forums and on YouTube, making sure everyone understands that their 25 slam titles don't mean anything and have no relevance at all in pro tennis let alone in the blasphemous "GOAT debates".

58. Thou shallt shamelessly brown-nose admins on tennis forums so you can influence them through secret PMs to ban all heretics, blasphemers, pariahs and other non-fedtards from the forums in case they dare write that GOAST isn't GOAT. Especially when they dare back up those filthy claims with actual facts.

59. Thou shallt register and become yet another lobotomized member of tt.tennis-warehouse.com, a fedtarded site run mostly by COF's spies and priests. This fedtarded lair allows you to spread fallacies, lies and other RF propaganda while helping ban all blasphemers from the forums. Ass-kissing of admins might or might not be necessary, depending on the admin, but most non-fedtard admins have been banished from the site already. Media genocide, the fedtard way. 

Tom Cruise, the world-renowned intellectual and star of classics such as "Mission Hilarious 3", has recently revealed on an episode of Oprah in front of a crowd of adoring and equally lobotomized middle-aged housewives that he is not only a member of the Church of Fedtardology, but that he is one of their High Priests. How high? According to reliable sources, he took four times his usual dose of crack cocaine for his appearance on the talk show. As a consummate professional and over-actor who always gives more than is required, he felt that a high dosage might help him more easily prove his point that the Church of Fedtardology is a serious institution and a religion worth sacrificing your brain-cells to. He also felt that standing on a couch might help reach the viewers in the back who otherwise wouldn't be able to see him due to his incredibly low height.

60. Freedom of speech only makes sense when the speech is adulatory of our Lord and Master. Any blasphemous conversation about who is GOAST shall be crushed with censorship and insults.

61. Thou shallt insult and mock the untalented butt-picker and the evil war criminal whenever you can. When heathens respond in kind, thou shallt complain about being harassed and bullied. 

62. Thou shallt not trust "facts". All facts are overrated. Mindless blind zombie worship sets you free, not meaningless numbers and logic. After all, numbers and facts all point to GOAST not being GOAT - and we all know that can't be true. 

63. Thou shallt respect the Lord's Holy Ass, for it never produces excrement, like those lowly, inferior animal and human asses like the ones that we meek servants of our Lord have, or the ugly Serbian ass possessed by the war criminal - whose brown stuff is the stinkiest of all turds we fedtards ever measured! He shits like a chicken, every 5 minutes and that's proof that he is scum and I hate him! I HATEEEE HIM!!!!!!!

The Church of Fedtardology's firm stance that Roger Federer isn't human, that he is in fact a divine alien superman from the 6th dimension created by a race of perfect beings in the most lofty regions of the omniverse - hence has no flaws of any kind - is the reason why fedtards have developed a belief that Roger never takes a daily dump like the rest of us. The belief that Roger never shits large quantities of the brown material initiates one dilemma however: why does he have an ass in the first place then?
 
64. And even if our Messiah did shit, so what! His shit would be the nicest-smelling crap in the multiverse. Thou shallt worship the Lord's hypothetical, non-existent shit as if it were the sweetest-smelling perfume in the finest New York boutique visited often by our Lord Federer whenever he prepares to metrosexualize himself real proper and nice.

65. Every grand slam event that our Lord and Master Federer doesn't win has been influenced by Satan himself! (Or herself; we are currently debating on whether to proclaim all beings traditionally regarded to be male as female, because we're so politically-correct like our Lord Federer who might be Miss Federer, who the holy fuck knows.)

66. There shall be only one religion that thou followst fanatically like a bird-brained maggot, and that is Fedtardology, based on the teachings of fedtardation, texts given to us by our Swiss-German prophet (without Nazi heritage) Roger Federer.

The Church of Fedtardology even goes as far as to claim that Fedtardology (based on the teachings of fedtardation found in scriptures dating back all the way to 1999) is the religion that spawned all the other ("worthless") religions. Fedtardology, they claim, is at the center of all religious belief, and the Church of Fedtardology has threatened to sue all the other religions for "ripping us off" unless they all agree to wear RF T-shirts and use RF toilet paper. The International Islamic Group and the Congregation of All Christians stated they refuse to wear RF logos, but don't mind wiping their buts with RF's toilet-paper.


67. Thou shallt study hard the scriptures of Fedtardology, found in the Holy Book Of Fed. Only when you complete these studies will you get close to reaching the 5th Theban level of complete and utter Nirvana, a state of total obliviousness to common sense and logic, the most peRFect state in all of cosmos.

RF's church claims that whenever one opens the Holy Book Of Fed, a mysterious light appears out of the holy texts. They say, however, that in order for the light to appear properly, one must light a candle beforehand and place it at a "religiously suitable angle to the book".
 
68. That shallt be aware of all the texts in the Holy Book of Fed, including 23:8 that states that "our Lord and Tutor Roger Federer should and shall win all the grand slam events until the year 2039. Any failure to do so can be traced to the powerful influence of Satanism and evil on the ATP tour."

69. Whenever a non-believer tells you that thou bist in denial, tell them SEVENTEEEEEEN. If that doesn't work, kick them in the balls. That's the strongest argument we fedtards have on our side. It's also our only argument.


OK, so there are more than 10 commandments. Who said fedtards can count? As they admitted themselves, they can usually handle only one number, and that's 17. 



Fedtards, the clowns of the tennis world. The only fan-base in all of sports to "elevate" itself into a religion. Might they even form their own country some day? Nothing surprises about fedtards: perhaps they will all learn to speak German and invade Spain and Serbia, just to let off some steam.



Like quotes? Perhaps you need them explained. Check out these de-quoted tennis quotes from the WTA tour:

If you're more interested in stupid ATP quotes, here's the link:


20.7.2016.

TBM

19 comments:

  1. Thou hast forgottenst an important commandment for Fedtard survival, O Vindicated Vjetropev:

    17. Thou shalt pretend you'll are 'neutral', just like that tiny Alps-locked college country in Europe did during World War II to avoid being overrun by Nazis. Thou shalt mildly praise the Spanish butt-picker and Serb war criminal on occasion, so that no one can recognize your true religion. It is not like taking the Mark Of The Beast or "going over to the other side", as our Lord Federer is also said to use these mild compliments in the press, to hide his true disgust of the butt-picker and war criminal. (Especially the war criminal)

    A class A Fedtard is one that can be subtle and cruel at the same time without causing atheistic backlash to his Lord's cause.

    A class B one is as transparent and stupid as a fish out of water.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Excellent comment, great stuff. I might have to include (yet another) 17th commandment, the one you just suggested. Your arguments are compelling. I shall have to suggest it at the next church board meeting, which I shall do through my Rafa and Novak spies who have infiltrated themselves into the Church of Fedtardology.

      Perhaps another commandment? "Thou shallt not mention the ugly, dark past of our Lord's country Switzerland. This includes not mentioning their deals with Nazis, or the fact that their cheese tends to stink a lot."

      You're of course spot-on about categorizing fedtards. Class A fedtards are more refined in spreading fedtardic propaganda and some of them have in fact held a WHOLE racket in their hands for longer than 5 minutes, even hitting the occasional ball into the opponent's court, whereas class B fedtards wouldn't even know what to do with a racket if given one. Might they hold it upside-down? Might they think it's a guitar? Such scientific tests need to be conducted so that anthropologists and psychologists can learn more about fedtards.

      Class C fedtards?

      Delete
    2. Class C Fedtards reserve the right to use Brother Dustin, Steve, Lukas and Child Nick as examples of the butt-picker's inferiority to the GOAST.

      Class C Fedtards don't know anything else i.e. this is the extent of their knowledge about tennis.

      One might want to use examples of Demons Mario Ancic, Sergiy Stakhovsky, Oliver Delaitre, Ivo Heuberger and Lukas Horny as counters to these Class C Fedtards, but these annals have been lost in time and/or suppressed by the pro-RF media.

      Class C Fedtards also have never watched Federer in his 2003-07 prime. They have --most probably-- grown up under the guidance of an elder Fedtard who has brainwashed them, and told them all about those years.

      Therefore they are probably 8-18 years of age.

      No, wait. They are at 7-17. The holy numbers of GOAST's Wimbledon and Slam titles.

      Even if they will be 8 or 18 next year, they will pretend they are some number with 7 at it's end.

      They cannot bear the filthy number of 6, especially at that filthy slam called the Australian Open.

      But seriously, why don't you add Federer's losses to sub-90 ranked players as a side-note?
      It will be good sport.

      You could also rub it in with Federer losing to two players ranked outside 100 at his favourite slam, while Novak and Rafa haven't done this at their favourite slams. :P

      Delete
  2. The 46 is particularly amusing. Most fedtards also consider Sampras as one of the greatest ever in terms of style and elegance, and an absolutely great player to watch, just because he's won so many slams, he was a serve-and-volleyer (the most awesome kind of tennis to watch, with its amazing 3-shots rallies), he had a one-handed backhand, etcetera. That's hysterical.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sampras is a great example of what it means to be "born at the right time and the right place". He started out in the late 80s, precisely when new racket technology and the advent of power tennis that went along with it started favouring young players who grew up with these new rackets at a younger age hence were able to start ruling tennis from 1990 onwards, a time when top 10 players were mostly 20 year-olds, when being 25 was considered veteran age - something fedtards are clueless about.

      It is no coincidence that most of the Open Era's youngest slam champs came from the 1985-1990 era, when power tennis was just about to take over. Becker at 17, Sampras at 19 and Chang at 17 won their first slams during the evolution of this new power tennis era. If Agassi had not had such mental problems, he would have most likely joined them as a very young slam champ too. If he hadn't been such an insecure wig-wearing buffon, he would have won several slams in his teens, just as Becker did. Can anyone even imagine a two-time teenage slam champ during the Big 4 era?

      Sampras then retired just as surface homogenization was about to start, a slowing down of courts and balls that would have rendered his style of play not harmless but certainly much less efficient than it was under quick conditions. I cannot imagine a player like Sampras winning more than 2-3 slams during the Big 4 era. Murray, Novak, Rafa and Federer would have exploited his weaknesses (backhand and baseline inconsistency) easily, beating him often, if not most of the time.

      Similarly, a player like Krajicek would have never won a slam title in the Big 4 era, not to mention Edberg who didn't even have a functioning baseline game and one of the worst top 50 forehands of all time. Krajicek was like a glorified Isner - and that's the most he would have had success-wise. Ditto Goran Ivanisevic, a guy who would have crumbled during the Big 4 era. Edberg would have been like Mahut or Llodra, a talented volleyer who can't reach the top 10.

      Agassi, on the other hand, won 8 slams despite being born into the wrong era. The current era would have been ideal for him. He would be on par with the Big 4, at least game-wise. The Agassi-Sampras rivalry would have looked a lot different had they played now.

      Just as Federer and Rafa would have had a more even rivalry back in the 90s. In fact Big 4 players would have won a lot less slams in the 90s. They all benefited from homogenization, plus the worse generation of young players - those born in the 90s - in the history of the Open Era.

      Delete
  3. Exactly, Krajicek and Ivanisevic are great examples of that. In fact, just yesterday I was reading an article about Sunday's Indian Wells final, and there was this guy (a hopeless fedtard who is 100% sure that Nadal has been doping for all of his career and he doesn't dope anymore precisely since US Open 2014) who commented with something like "RAONIC WILL ALWAYS BE A HALF-PLAYER, IN THE ERA OF EDBERG BECKER SAMPRAS AGASSI HE WOULDN'T HAVE REACHED THE TOP 20" (yes, he did write like that), and I mentioned exactly those two guys, servebots who even won slams in that period.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Just when I thought people couldn't get any more pathetic. The amount of time you spend on this is simply astounding. You must devote all of your time to talking shit about a player who doesn't know you exist. Because of that, I would like to include you as an example for a report I'm writing for my psychology class, a paper on psychotic obsession, and how obsessive people can be over someone having an opinion different from theirs. I am waiting for your permission to do so. I can also provide help to you since you are obviously mentally disturbed
    and have nothing greater to do with your free time.

    In all seriousness, why all the hatred? Are we not allowed to like a certain player? Lots of people have differing opinions on who the GOAT is, and all you do is talk shit about those who like Federer. What's wrong with being a fan of him?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I shall have to translate your cryptic post to people who don't quite understand who you are or what you mean:

      "Just when I thought I couldn't get more fedtarded - i.e. pathetic. The amount of time I spent reading this and hating on it is simply astounding. I devote all my time defending our Lord God Messiah Federer from evil, vicious, bad people on the internet who write ugly parodies which I am incapable of understanding.

      Federer doesn't even know I exist - yet I spend all my free hours (of which there are many) devoted to his every bone and sexy grin, posting endless numbers of adulatory love-letters on YouTube and various fedtarded tennis forums. Because of that, I decided to study psychiatry because I want to understand what's wrong with me. I want to write a paper that 5 people will read, about my psychotic obsession with Lord Messiah Federer. I want to also write about my obsession with people who have a different opinion on Federer than myself – people I truly detest and whose satire I am unable to grasp, because I am so far gone in my religious zealotry. I am waiting for my shrink’s permission to write this paper, because so far he has disallowed me to use any pencils or papers for the purpose of writing yet again about the Lord (I have done this 5 million times already and he’s pretty pissed about it).

      I am also hoping that you can provide help when I finally detox i.e. defedtardize. I am sick and tired of being mentally disturbed and need all the help I can get, especially from anti-fedtard bloggers which, my shrink tells me, can help me overcome this lunatic obsession because they have seen the light while I still stumble around in a tunnel like a desperate giraffe.

      In all honesty, why am I so full of hate toward people who write irrelevant parodies and spoofs of celebrities? Why do I make idiotic comparisons such as “obsessed with people who don’t even know you exist”? Why can’t I realize that using that logic, every filmmaker who ever made a bio about someone who they’d never met is a deranged lunatic? Every journalist who ever wrote a piece about a person they never met needs shrinky attention?

      Don’t I realize that my obsession with a player whom I’ve never met and who doesn’t give three shits that I exist makes me a far more pathological person than a blogger who writes spoofs with a satiric edge that my brainwashed mind is unable to comprehend? Lots of people have different opinions on who the GOAT is, and of those people only fedtards are the truly smart, moral people and the only ones I like, because they agree with me. What’s wrong with being a fedtard – aside from the fact that we’re utter morons who can’t distinguish latent homosexual desire from actual tennis results?”

      There you go, fedtard. I hope you’re satisfied with my translation.

      As for your paper on fedtardation, you have my permission thousand-fold. Just make sure you mention my name as often as you can and you post as many links to my fedtard-related texts as you can. I realize that only 5 people will read your paper, but they are all fedtards most likely and they’re my favourite type of readers, at least when it comes to The 10 Fedtarded Commandments.

      And again, I absolutely love your analogy regarding people writing about people they don’t even know exist. I guess that means we should stop writing about Hitler, Stalin and Napoleon, because none of us knew them personally and those three lunatics don’t know that any of us exist.

      Speaking of which, uncanny similarities between Hitler and Federer: 1) an almost morbid ambition, 2) speak fluent German, 3) great use of propaganda in the media, 4) have a bloated sense of self-importance, 5) huge Ego, 6) ugly wife/girlfriend, 7) latent homosexual, 8) like to get all pissy when he loses a battle, 9) enjoy pompous public gatherings where everyone worships them without criticism.

      Come to think of it, you’ve just given me an idea: a post about the similarities between Hitler and Federer! That should be interesting to write.

      Delete
  5. Fedtardation? That's just too much. You think I'm a fedtard just because I made a joke about and pointed out how your hatred towards him and fedfans is somewhat, I don't know, strange? Just so you know, Federer is not my favorite player, but I still like him regardless, same with Nadal and Djokovic. Tennis doesn't need crap like this. And there's a fine line between satire and this "Church of Fedtardology" you created.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There's only one fine line and that's the fine white line you forgot to snort yesterday. Make sure you finish it, as cocaine happens to be the only way you can cope with Novak winning all 4 slams in succession.

      Delete
    2. Brilliant insult. You have a great talent for it, looking at your replies to other people(*cough cough*...try hard).

      So I like Federer more than Novak, doesn't mean I hate him, nor do I need to snort cocaine to cope with him winning 4 slams in a row (congratulations to Novak on that, quite the achievement).

      Delete
    3. Vjetropev, the mark above is a class A FEDTARD, this is a clear example of them pretending to give Nole credit (just like their master) when in fact they are crying inside at the Wimby and US Open 2015 and AO 2016 memories. However, more recently, they've been cheered up by fellow FEDTARDS at the prospect of Nole declining and therefore, never reaching master's holy GS count of 17.

      Delete
    4. I've always maintained that 17 is impossible for Novak. After all, he spent the better part of his career playing worthy adversaries in slam semis and finales, unlike RF. Not every player gets to be injury-free AND have his prime in a very weak era.

      As for fedtards pretending to respect other players, they need acting and bullshitting classes.

      Delete
    5. Yep, couldn't agree more, that's unlucky because I've always longed for the day that either Rafa or Nole catch up to the GS mark, I guess after USO this year, it kind of hit me that Fed's record is going to stay in tact.
      Mind you, I don't think the classes would help them, especially when they say things like "Even Rafa and Novak believe Fed to be GOAT" to back up their wishy washy arguments, or when they quote Rafa saying that if anyone thinks that he (Rafa) is better than Fed it means they don't know anything about tennis.
      Lastly, I'm intently waiting on your next blog post about anything tennis related. I thought you were going to do one on the similarities between Fed and Hitler. All I'm saying is, you're blogs are hilariously entertaining.

      Delete
  6. Every sport should be about respect between players and their fans.
    I am huge Federer fan for many years and I have never written anything bad about Rafa or Novak or anyone else, because I have something, that the autor of this shit hasnť - RESPECT.
    I really do not understand how can you have such hate in you to Roger, who has achieved so much, is nice, and never done anything to you.
    The only reason is that you are frustrated, because Rafa and Novak will never break his records. I am really sorry for you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My Rafa and Novak spies have just informed me that the Church of Fedtardology are planning to award you with the highest honour that can be bestowed on any church member: the Star of Gavin. You have done your church proud with your bravery to post here. Very few have found the courage thus far to express their religious bumhurt over this post directly to me. Usually fedtardologists congregate secretly in their internet hideouts (tt-tenniswarehouse, for example, a notorious fedtard coven) and badmouth their holy texts.

      Speaking of which, why does your church hand out awards for bad-mouthing the 10 Commandments? I find that pretty weird. Instead of thanking me for putting out the RF scriptures for all to see, you are somehow convinced that I have something against Federer! Nothing could be further from the truth. My concern is with fedtards, not Federer. After all, the Church of Fedtardology was initiated for their benefit, not Federer's.

      And enjoy the trip: they're sending you to the Swiss Alps for an initiation ceremony! You're gonna be a High Priest for your church! And all because of me.

      I want you to at least show some gratitude. Come on, fedtard, be gracious.

      Delete
  7. So funny to read this shit after 3 Federer's titles this year :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Roger won the title, not you. The list is about you, fedtard. You cannot cure either your personal failings or your sexual longing for Roger by him winning even 29 more slams.

      What, you didn't know the joke was on you?



      Delete
  8. Hey man please post new stuff. Is there a reason for not posting new stuff?

    I equally like Rafa-Novak-Federer's tennis. Hate Murray's tennis.

    I know you joke about the fans, not Roger himself. What do you think of him as a player? I always wonder... Thanks

    ReplyDelete