Is the modern jet-set flip-off a cheesy fashion accessory used by hopelessly decadent and attention-seeking stars desperate to appear more rebellious than their competition, or is it a true and honest expression of their inner genius? It must be the latter, surely.
Are million-selling bands that refer to themselves as "punks" flipping the bird just because it's part of their carefully-crafted corporate image, or are they truly gutter rebels who sleep on sidewalks, misfits who can't fit in? It MUST be the latter, SURELY. I mean, come on.
Next to each entry will be a number that represents the honesty of the middle finger in question: MFHL. I.e. the Middle Finger Honesty Level. Self-explanatory.
This list is part of an ongoing "Flipping The Bird" series. There will be many more.
Celebrities Flipping The Bird: Fake Punk
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| Billie Joe Armstrong (Green Day) Strike a punky pose, get tattoos, stick the middle finger into the air... ... And then leave the gig, enter the 30-foot limousine, sleep in the 5-star hotel, fly with your private jet to your 5-million-dollar villa, and eat your lobster and drink your 1898 French wine. A rebel. On the rock scale of 1 to 100, beginning from Justin Bieber (1) to Jimi Hendrix (100), Billie is a 3. Practically Bieber's twin brother. MFHL: 0 |
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| Billie Joe Armstrong, Fake 2 Watch him rebel in a $5,000 suit... ... as he rebels why playing a ballad for a TWILIGHT SAGA movie. MFHL: 0 |
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| Billie Joe Armstrong, Fake 3 I'd end up in rehab too if I had to sing kindergarten-friendly pop songs while pretending to be Sid Vicious. That would confuse anyone. That would drive anyone to substance abuse. MFHL: 0 |
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| Billie Joe Armstrong, Fake 4 Yeah, man, give those 11 year-olds their money's worth! Stick that finger high up in the air! Well, OK, as high as you can muster. I know you're not that tall. MFHL: 0 |
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| Billie Joe Armstrong, Fake 5? Was this intended as a bird-flip? Sticking the middle finger is a real challenge for some people. You have to let the third finger stretch out, while keeping the rest bent. A technique not everyone masters immediately, and certainly not at all times. This may have been a botched job. MFHL: not applicable |
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| Joel & Benji Madden (Good Charlotte) Joel had to mask his face here. Because he put on too much make-up this time? No. That would not embarrass him. Because he is ashamed to be part of a group that tries pathetically to exploit punk imagery in order to sell kiddie-pop tunes to people older than 9? Well, yeah, that too, but that's not the main reason. The main reason he is hiding is because he doesn't want their parents to see him using a rude gesture. He wants to be a rebel so bad, but if his father sees him doing that both twins are due for a beating. The stupid part is that his parents will recognize him anyway: he is standing next to his twin brother. Just put 2 and 2. AND they can tell it's him by the usual excessive eye-liner. (He keeps nicking it off Nicole Richie.) MFHL: 0 |
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| Joel or Benji Madden, Fake 2 Is this the same grimace he does when he plays those pop ballads to an audience of 11 year-olds while wearing red punky hair and smelling nice of expensive perfume? MFHL: 0 |
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| Jacoby Shaddix (Papa Roach) When I see photos of Sid Vicious, I think of seedy pubs and street corners. When I see Jacoby, I think of the 350 stylists he needs before he goes on stage. Metrosexual punk? Nothing would surprise me anymore. MFHL: 0 |
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| Jacoby Shaddix, Fake 2 Is there a single inch of Jacoby's body that HASN'T been manicured, pedicured, hair-stylized, tattooed, pierced, eye-linered, gelled, nail-polished, shaved, or perfumed? On a scale from Bananarama (1) to G.G. Allin (100), he is a 4. In other words, much more like an 80s Cyndi Lauper than Johnny Rotten. What a punky rebel, I just wish he'd sell his villa and live as a punk squatter - whom he is clearly impersonating here. MFHL: 0 |
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| Jacoby Shaddix, Fake 3 Always that goofy "dangerous" grimace. But he has to do that, the poor guy. He has such a baby-face, and he smells of such nice, expensive fake-punk perfume, he simply needs to toughen up his image. Or try to, anyway. MFHL: 0 |
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| Jacoby Shaddix, Fake 4 He must spend hours in the bathroom - just before he leaves for his stylist appointment. That's the appointment that precedes his second and third stylist appointments. After then it's on to the "Nu Metal Stage-Posing" Academy. He is a graduate, but now gives back to society by giving free classes to aspiring new bands how to become Beverly Hills rebels. Cheesy Grimacing 101 included. MFHL: 0 |
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| James Newell Osterberg, Jr. (Iggy Pop) An interesting character, and one of fairly few rock personalities who had the chance to age gracefully, i.e. with some measure of integrity. But he sold out. The money was just too sweet. MFHL: 0 |
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| James Newell Osterberg, Jr., Fake 2 This is an example of what I'm talking about. Yes, that's Billie Joe on the left. These two dollar-hungry middle fingers stem from an event during which Iggy actually played a song with Green Day, thereby helping give those phony-baloney punky brewsters some much-needed "credibility". The alluring call of the corporation was too much for Iggy to resist. He made his appearance, played with the Lilliputian pop band, and the check was in the mail. MFHL: double 0 |
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| James Newell Osterberg, Jr., Fake 3 What's wrong, Iggy? Angry that you'd already spent that Green Day check? No fear, put that finger back in your trousers. There are many more fake punksters lining up to use you in order to give themselves more believablity. But keep in mind the following, Ig: the more apperances you make on kiddie awards shows with corporate-created bands the less those appearances will mean, until eventually even your most die-hard fan realizes that you're a phony too. And then Green Day won't be calling you anymore, because your punky "street-cred" will drop all the way down to their own level. MFHL: 0 (just kidding, he wasn't angry at all, just posing, as usual) |
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| James Newell Osterberg, Jr., Take 4 Back in the day when his middle fingers didn't seem so silly. They still looked silly, but a little less. It's hard to lend meaning, purpose and respect to a finger imitating a penis. MFHL: 1 |
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| Henry Rollins Just look at that dumb empty stare. Nothing convinces me more of rebellion than a guy who works for the Discovery Channel, appears in big-budget Hollywood movies, cracks bad jokes on cheesy talk-shows (broadcast by corporate suits which Henry supposedly detests), and who walks on red carpets. A real "punk", our legendary poseur Henry. The predictable transition from hard-edged punk-rocker to jet-set softie is complete. Which is where the desperate middle finger comes in. MFHL: a big fat 0 |
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| Henry Rollins, Fake 2 This guy should get a Best Actor Oscar - every year. The way he fakes it, even decades after he'd ceased being a punk. Deserves my respect. On one of his many quasi-stand-up "comic" appearances, which are just thinly disguised attempts to preach about politics, society, and religion. Who better to educate us on these complex topics than Henry? So much wisdom to be had from a former punkster. He is so knowledgeable in the ways of the world. All those years spent in the gym, reading... about lifting weights... and lifting weights. MFHL: in spite of the grimace, don't be fooled, it's 0 |
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| Henry Rollins, Fake 3 Oh-oh. It's that face he makes just before he wants to tell us something important about the planet we live on. Probably just wants to tell us who to vote for. Or how we can solve economic inequality. Or why hip-hop has more credibility than metal. This guy should go into politics: his amazing ability to fake it, the attention-seeking personality, the handsome square-jawed Ken/Clark Kent looks (sort of like Mitt Romney), the love of money, the amazing ability to bullshit with a straight face, and the total understanding of how important faking one's image is in this superficial world. I know he hasn't got a middle finger stretched out, but this IS a finger list (of sorts). IFHL: 0 |
Lyrics from "The Girls Next Door" from punk-parody band Punky Brusters:
Welcome boys and to the rock and roll high school
Lesson #1 us where to put your tongue
Lesson #2 is what you do with your tool
And watch the fringe benefits come second to none!
Lesson #1 us where to put your tongue
Lesson #2 is what you do with your tool
And watch the fringe benefits come second to none!
Graduates from the old rock and roll high school
Pretend they're still rebellious with a video pose
The uneducated spew some lame political view
And the punks will look like hunks in their endorsement clothes!
Pretend they're still rebellious with a video pose
The uneducated spew some lame political view
And the punks will look like hunks in their endorsement clothes!
So hey, let's rock, and put out a little corporate schlock!
To play, just get the call, then keep your eye on the friggin' ball
'Cause that's all... that's all!
To play, just get the call, then keep your eye on the friggin' ball
'Cause that's all... that's all!
Listen boys and girls to the rock and roll motto
It's fun to spend your money, just take it from me
And don't cry "foul" for us admitting this cash cow
The "revolution" is a capitalist industry!
So, hey, let's rock, and talk a little corporate talk!
I say, you'll never fall, when your face is pressed against the wall!
It's fun to spend your money, just take it from me
And don't cry "foul" for us admitting this cash cow
The "revolution" is a capitalist industry!
So, hey, let's rock, and talk a little corporate talk!
I say, you'll never fall, when your face is pressed against the wall!
If what it takes to rock, is to suck a little corporate cock
Well, hey everybody, we'll be the girls next door!
If what it takes to score, is to be a corporate whore
We're already there!
Well, hey everybody, we'll be the girls next door!
If what it takes to score, is to be a corporate whore
We're already there!
(Mid section) Come on out to the Bruster spend-a-long
Buy a T-shirt and it'll make you feel like you're part of an elite clique
While directly paying for our advertising!
Buy a T-shirt and it'll make you feel like you're part of an elite clique
While directly paying for our advertising!
Hey hey! We passed, now everyone can kiss our ass!!!
And we'll appeal to a need
Where one never used to be
And we'll appeal to a need
Where one never used to be
'Cause what it takes to rock is to suck some corporate cock
So, hey everybody, we'll be the girls next door!
And what it takes to score, is to be a corporate whore
So, hey Borivoj, we'll be the girls next door!
So, hey Monte Conner, we'll be the girls next door!
So, hey Pepsi-Cola, we'll be the girls next door!
So, hey Cliff Cultreri, we'll be the girls next door!!!
So, hey everybody, we'll be the girls next door!
And what it takes to score, is to be a corporate whore
So, hey Borivoj, we'll be the girls next door!
So, hey Monte Conner, we'll be the girls next door!
So, hey Pepsi-Cola, we'll be the girls next door!
So, hey Cliff Cultreri, we'll be the girls next door!!!
Yeah, Iggy Pop and Henry Rollins have soldout but they still deserve some respect. Back in their youth both of them were true punks and they were some of the most influential punk frontmen ever. Countless punk bands have taken a lot from what Iggy and Henry did. Everyone else on this list soldout the second they were given a chance, at least Iggy and Henry didn't give in until they got old.
ReplyDeleteYes, but that's all in the past tense. Once they sold out - and by that I don't even mean working for the Discovery Channel and such things - they pretty much rendered their past pointless (I don't mean musically), putting a large question mark as to how honest they had been all along, in the first place. As for Henry specifically, I never doubted that he once was a clueless dumb punk kid, as most of them are. He'd always been a wide-eyed idealistic fool who vastly overestimated his relatively modest intellect. Speaking of influential, most first-generation punksters are/were phonies anyway. Punk is just another way to make money, and when not profitable it's at least another way to play the rebel/clown-without-a-cause, just another silly fad to which confused young (and even older) people get attached simply because they need "something to believe in" even when that something makes no sense no matter what angle you look at it from. The one valid aspect of the silly punk movement is some of the great music that's been made under that banner.
DeleteAs for respect, I don't dish that out just like that, it has to be earned. Henry gets some for the good music he'd recorded, but otherwise forget it.
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