Star Trek: Cheesiest Moments (part 1)

This list is only about scenes from the original 60s TV series. I am not interested in all the abysmal spin-offs that came much later. They all stink, and not even in an amusing, cute way, but in a true farm-animal-excrement way.

I didn't take cheap shots by pointing out to goofy moments that were intended to be comical, but have focused only on the "dramatic" moments and episodes in which the hilarity is purely unintentional.

Yes, I am a fan of the show, both for its cheerful melt-in-your-mouth cheesiness and for nostalgic reasons. I suppose the original "Star Trek" is the ABBA of television: few people claim them as their own, but their popularity remains high. This is a sort of spoof as much as it is an homage to one of 60s most fun TV shows.

Countdown To The Cheesiest Star Trek Moment

Part I: 125-51

 125.
THE SAVAGE CURTAIN

The lava alien that makes Kirk and Lincoln fight against Genghis Khan.

Lava-boy is obsessed with understanding the difference between good and evil. Plastic surgery should interest him more though.

124.
WHOM GODS DESTROY

Marta (the one that Eddie Murphy refers to as the "green bitch" in his 80s stand-up routine) recites moronic poetry, dances, and then gets blown up for no reason at all.

123.
THE DEVIL IN THE DARK

Something or someone is killing off miners. It turns out to be merely an over-sized pizza. They should have eaten it and just shelved this stupid episode.

122.
PLATO'S STEPCHILDREN

While Kirk gets to kiss sexy Uhura in Ancient Rome, laurel-wearing Spock is forced to do it with the pre-op Nurse Chapel.  

Some guys get all the luck, while some Vulkans get the shit-end of the stick.

121.
TURNABOUT INTRUDER

Kirk and Spock.

That's right: Kirk and Spock. This woman's body has Kirk inside it. One of the dumbest episodes, needless to say.

120.
TURNABOUT INTRUDER

Kirk's body is possessed by the soul of a woman.

This is Kirk impersonating a woman.

119.
LET THAT BE YOUR LAST BATTLEFIELD

Black-white vs. White-black, both stemming from the "Unemployed Mimes" planet, situated in the "B-actors Nebula". They hate each other: yet another transparent and very campy tolerate-all-the-races message.

118.
GALILEO 7

The most insubordinate blue-shirt ever! Here he is engaging Spock in yet another utterly pointless verbal duel. He hates the Vulkan with a passion (for no apparent reason).

117.
WHOM GODS DESTROY

Marta, the liveliest (and most horny) of all asylum inmates, is a bonafide nymphomaniac - although this is never explicitly stated, obviously. She keeps trying to get into Kirk's pants time and time again. But Kirk, the racist that he is, isn't interested in green.

116.
WHOM GODS DESTROY

Marta gets in Kirk's face, but he simply isn't interested.

Or is he simply playing it cool to deceive Spock of his true feelings for the green babe?

 115.
THE CHANGELING

The grumpy robot Nomad zaps Uhura's brain into oblivion, rendering her retarded.

When asked why he did it, he responds: "That female unit is defective. Its thinking is chaotic... A mass of conflicting impulses."

You don't get that kind of wonderfully chauvinist un-PC stuff anymore. Funny and bizarre.

114.
THE CHANGELING

Uhura, now retarded because the insane robot Nomad brainwashed her, is re-learning English.

Still, it's interesting that although Uhura's "memory banks are completely erased", she somehow still speaks fluent Swahili. Is this episode's writer trying to tell us that the knowledge of certain languages is stored elsewhere in the body? In Uhura's case, considering the extreme fluency of her Swahili, I think I can guess where that might be!

113.
THE CLOUD MINDERS

Kirk fights an old guy, at least twice his age. Spock blames it on the effects of the "Xenon gas", but I have my doubts. I just think Kirk likes to fight weak opponents.

The worst part is that it was an even fight.

112.
GAMESTERS OF TRISKELION

Kirk tries to explain to a female Barry Manilow impersonator the concept of love.

The lesson of love fell on deaf ears. A little later this actress (Angelique Pettyjohn) took up porn.

 111.
BY ANY OTHER NAME

Here Kirk uses the "explain the concept of love to an alien" shtick again. He does it just to get into the sack with them. Very smooth.

Talking about love - then moving straight on to sex: isn't that how pedophiles operate?

110.
SPOCK'S BRAIN

Whenever a caveman makes an appearance, large quantities of fondue grade-B cheese are inevitable.

Or is this just a member of progressive metallers Mastodon?

109.
JOURNEY TO BABEL

Hire a pair of midgets, paint them with gold, and stick a Turkish fez on their heads - and voila: Star Trek aliens.

108.
WHOM GODS DESTROY

Kirk is fighting his own clone for the umpteenth time. How many times does one milk the same damn premise before it becomes embarrassing to even put on paper, let alone the screen?

107.
THE ENEMY WITHIN

The "good" Kirk comforts evil Kirk, who has gone off the deep end, tired of his own shenanigans by now.

106.
CATSPAW

Three cartoonish witches wail and sing empty threats for an entire minute.

105.
WHAT ARE LITTLE GIRLS MADE OF?

I don't know what little girls are made of, but I can tell you with certainty that some of them don't have great taste in men.

104.
WHAT ARE LITTLE GIRLS MADE OF?

And because the kiss tasted so good the first time around...

Sometimes I get the impression that Kirk signed up for space travel just in order to sleep around.

103.
BY ANY OTHER NAME

It's 60s TV, any kissing required the man to press his face as hard against his partner as he could - until his nose completely changed shape, or if it wasn't a squishy nose until it pierced a hole in the woman's soft face.

This poor actress was forced to turn her face away half-way to avoid having her nose broken. Or was it because she couldn't bare to kiss Shatner even for those 3 seconds?

102.
THE CONSCIENCE OF THE KING

This time Kirk presses his nose very hard against the face of a murderer (as it later turns out).

When he later finds out that he made out with a serial-killer, does it bother him? Nope. He was just happy to get it in while she was still free. The Conscience of the Kirk.

101.
GALILEO 7

When our proud Starfleet astronauts are in danger in a smoke-filled rocky area, they tend to CROUCH. This somehow renders the situations less dangerous. Perhaps the frog's perspective gives them unique insight into the threat they're facing.

100.
PLATO'S STEPCHILDREN

Is Kirk really fighting the alien force that controls his body - or is he merely exploiting yet another opportunity to show-off his incredible overacting method?

99.
WHAT ARE LITTLE GIRLS MADE OF?

While Sherry Jackson tries to deliver her lines without screwing up, Shatner stares at her back, probably untying her dress in his mind.

Lucky bastard.

 98.
THE MARK OF GIDEON

The planet Gideon, we are told, is extremely over-populated, but who could have guessed that they were literally all squeezed together like sardines?! (And dressed like sperm.)

Does this make farting a felony on Gideon?

97.
A PRIVATE LITTLE WAR

A planet of wig-wearing blond buffoons. The hair looks like a never-washed carpet. Perhaps his wig is about to elope from the overacting head it's sitting on.

96.
GALILEO 7

Scotty has a bad-hair day.

95.
THE DEADLY YEARS

The crew is undergoing rapid aging, which in Scotty's case means being snowed on by a Hollywood snow-machine. A bad snow day.

94.
CATSPAW

Chekov has a bad-wig day.

93.
WHOM GODS DESTROY

Kirk: "... A dream that made me and Mr.Spock brothers."

This is the end of a brief but bizarre speech which the Captain deems worthy of reciting to a group of loony-bin inmate aliens.

Some moralistic(?) speeches are best left unsaid, unwritten, and completely ignored.

92.
AMOK TIME

Brothers, my ass. It takes very little to get Spock to try and kill Kirk.

In this stupid episode they came up with some idiotic premise, just so we could get to watch "brothers" Kirk and Spock fight each other.

The reason? Spock is in heat, needs to kill Kirk in order to win a bride - or something like that.

91.
TURNABOUT INTRUDER

Kirk is still possessed by the soul of a woman, giving Shatner ample opportunity to do what's always been dearest to his heart: overact his ass off.

90.
A TASTE OF ARMAGEDDON

Visiting a planet with a poor fashion sense can be quite rewarding, if you're into B-movies. Not for Kirk, though. He hates it. Look at his face.

89.
CHARLIE X

A skinny whiny nerd rolls up his eyes (so evil-looking!) whenever he wants to torture a crew member. So very scary - and dumb.

 88.
DAY OF THE DOVE

I love the fact how this politically-correct franchise pours buckets of brown paint on the bad guys, the Klingons. I've always said that there's no racist like a racist who promotes anti-racism. Latent racism, it's called.

Not to mention how utterly stupid Klingons look.

87.
A PRIVATE LITTLE WAR

Want another example of the show's latent racism? How about a planet divided into two tribes: the Blondies, who are nice and sweet basically, and quite Scandinavian, and the Brunnetties who are dark-haired Italian/Southern-European types, who are more wicked and prone to violence.

Both tribes are given absolutely ludicrous thick wigs to wear, and I keel over every time I see them shooting at each other. The cheese just melts in this episode.

The blond good tribe vs. the evil dark-haired tribe cliche was a staple in 60s B-movie caveman flicks.

86.
SHORE LEAVE

Kirk is shocked to meet an old flame on a remote planet: Ruth, whom he hadn't seen 15 years, hence this "young" dish is SUPPOSED to be still around 20.

"You haven't aged a bit," says Kirk, to a woman who is quite clearly in her 30s. It could even be argued that she looks OLDER than Kirk - who HAS aged!

In fact, actress Shirley Bonne was 32 at the time. So typical of that era, to cast 30 year-olds to play teens and the like. Just look at "Grease" - and that was a decade later!

85.
PLATO'S STEPCHILDREN

Spock weeps while a dwarf comforts him.

This episode is the stuff of B-cheesy legend.

84.
PLATO'S STEPCHILDREN

Spock isn't crying anymore. Now the dwarf gets to watch him laugh.

Lucky dwarf.

83.
ALL OUR YESTERDAYS

And because the viewers loved it the first time, here it is again, only this time Spock is laughing while carrying a cave-woman in his arms. A cave-woman who is built like a fashion model.

I have a feeling that they would have made Spock laugh in every episode had the series continued. Devulkanization for profit, I think that's called.

82.
THE CLOUD MINDERS

Once again the writers try to include a romantic interlude between Spock and a woman way out of his league. It's like trying to pair up Joe Polito with Catherine Heigl and expect us to take it seriously.

81.
THAT WHICH SURVIVES

Losira, a sexy alien woman, wants to touch Sulu. But when a woman wants to touch Sulu, he always resorts to violence.

Many years later, we finally know why.

(Takei came out.)

80.
WHAT ARE LITTLE GIRLS MADE OF?

Kirk will take ANY opportunity to manhandle a female crew member. ANY female crew member - even pre-op Nurse Chapel!

Not a picky eater, Kirk.

79.
WHAT ARE LITTLE GIRLS MADE OF?

Having grabbed Nurse Chapel without her permission just a minute earlier, now they are holding hands like a couple of 8 year-olds. Are they engaged in a Starfleet mission or going out on a date?

78.
GAMESTERS OF TRISKELION

When the good Captain delivers a kirk-fu blow, he doesn't care where it lands - as long as it lands. Ouch!

The mistake here might be that Kirk falsely assumes that all aliens have testicles located in the same place as us.

 77.
SPOCK'S BRAIN

Spock's brain has been kidnapped by a bunch of brain-dead bimbos. Any irony was totally unintentional.

Here Spock is remote-control-manipulated by McCoy to grab one of the gals so she doesn't call for help. (She wants to phone her agent.)

76.
BY ANY OTHER NAME

I never quite understood this fighting move. What is this guy trying to do to Kirk? Give him wrinkles?

75.
GALILEO 7

Spock faces at least 15 mutinies and 29 insubordinations in this episode.

Here two of the more difficult crewmen are bitching to Spock about not being allowed to bury their dead friend. Spock tries to use logic to dissuade them, but on humans it simply doesn't work. They persist in burying their dead blue-shirt.

 74.
GALILEO 7

The two whining babies get their wish. After being nagged for about an hour, Spock finally allows them to bury their dead moron friend.

He must have figured, "what the f**k do I care? if they wanna waste time and energy on a corpse, let them".

73.
TURNABOUT INTRUDER

Still possessed by a woman, Kirk gets all touchy-feely with a guy.

72.
THE CORBOMITE MANOUVER

The Enterprise is hassled by an alien that turns out to be Ron Howard's brother Clint - dubbed.

71.
JOURNEY TO BABEL

Blue-antenna albino-boy and pig-faced Viking swine: just a few of Star Trek's many campy aliens.

70.
THAT WHICH SURVIVES

Uhura: "What are the chances the Captain and the others are still alive?"

Spock: "Lieutenant, we do not engage in gambling."

This, coming from Starfleet's Annual Intergalactic Useless Statistics/Odds Champion!

One of the many put-downs of the crew in this episode. Spock is extremely grumpy. Vulkan male menstrual cycle?

69.
WHAT ARE LITTLE GIRLS MADE OF?

Nurse Chapel's long-lost hubby is trying to convince his wife that having a sexy, luscious, stunning android beauty is a sheer coincidence and not to be mistaken for extra-marital hanky-panky.

Yeah, right, pal. Good luck with THAT one. I mean, look at her!

68.
REQUIEM FOR METHUSELAH

Kirk's crew is dying, and the nearest cure is on a nearby planet. Once there, instead of hurrying to obtain the substance to cure his ailing crew, Kirk - the consummate professional - falls in love with a girl almost half his age and decides to fight a man 50 times his age over her. "Screw the crew, I wanna screw!"

67.
THE MARK OF GIDEON

A supposedly advanced and intelligent alien race go through all the incredible trouble of making a REPLICA of the Enterprise, just so they can kidnap Kirk, stick him inside the replica where he is meant to mate with the President's daughter.

Why? Because their planet is over-populated and they need a disease to decimate them.

Their refusal to simply use condoms makes me think they must be Catholic.

66.
THE WAY TO EDEN

Yes, it's that guy from those Russ Meyer films. And he's playing one of the hippies who hijack Kirk's easily hijackable ship.

A dead ringer for a hippie, huh?

65.
THE APPLE

Another episode where Kirk meets a tribe of blonds, the Shiny Happy People tribe.

They know nothing about sex, but worship a very large snake. Don't laugh.

64.
BY ANY OTHER NAME

This time a Kirk fight is choreographed by a former Sumo wrestler.

63.
WHAT ARE LITTLE GIRLS MADE OF?

Once again Kirk has a double. As if the viewer isn't burdened enough with one Kirk.

 62.
THE PARADISE SYNDROME

Kirk saves an Indian boy from drowning, and then "predictably" becomes a God to the boy's tribe.

After all, don't all tribes elevate child-savers to a status of godhood? Must be plenty of gods in Indian tribes all over America.

But does Kirk care? He just sees it as another opportunity to get laid. Amnesia shmamnesia.

61.
PLATO'S STEPCHILDREN

Kirk is forced by the aliens to kiss Uhura. He is fighting it, but no use. He does not have the ability to fight it.

No, not to fight the alien force that urges him to embrace her. He can't control his OWN, even worse, urges. Just look at him staring at her boobs! No manners and no self-control at all.

60.
PLATO'S STEPCHILDREN

Kirk is STILL staring at Uhura's amazing breasts. Personally, I don't think he needed ANY "encouragement" from the aliens to have sex with her. What guy would?

59.
THE CLOUD MINDERS

A rebel chick attacks Kirk in his bed - and that's just the way he likes it.

Normally, guys aren't attracted to women who try to kill them in their sleep: not Kirk, though. He just sees it as yet another opportunity to get it in.

Look at him. Only 30 seconds after he foils the attempt on his life, he is already checking out her breasts. Amazing.

58.
WHAT ARE LITTLE GIRLS MADE OF?

Not a cheesy moment, to be frank. I just felt like including another photo of her. She's a perfect 10.

It's my list and I can do whatever I want - and that includes breaking my own rules.

57.
WINK OF AN EYE

The ease with which this sleepy-eyed moron betrays Kirk and the Enterprise makes one wonder whether the Federation even psycho-tests its astronautical job applicants.

The reason he gives Kirk, word for word: "At first I refused, but then soon I realized that I couldn't help myself. I met this girl... She's one of them, I've never met anyone like her."

Perhaps if the Enterprise provided sex-androids to the crew, stuff like this wouldn't happen.

 56.
SPACE SEED

The ST writers use this dumb shtick again, when a red-shirt Enterprise gal betrays the entire ship just because she falls for Ricardo Montalban aka "Khan the Irresistible Hunk".

But what woman WOULDN'T send all her friends to their deaths over Mr.Rourke with a pony-tail?

So dumbbbbb.

55.
PLATO'S STEPCHILDREN

Whenever they dress up Kirk & friends like buffoons, it's thumbs up from me.

54.
THE MARK OF GIDEON

Usually alien women that hook up with Kirk are totally paranoid about catching some disease from him. Not this one. This chick's mission is to actually pick up whatever diseases Kirk might be carrying so she can spread them to her overpopulated planet.

I think the idea is essentially logical. What could make you more ill than kissing Kirk?

53.
THE APPLE

Starsky's pal Hutch, and his Shiny Happy People girlfriend.

He is torn between being thankful to Kirk for introducing his Shiny Happy People tribe to sex (for the first time) and bashing his brain in because a large snake-cave says so. A B-movie dilemma if there ever was one.

52.
THE APPLE

Blond and tanned virgins, wearing only white towels around their asses, line up to walk inside a large snake-cave. Priceless.

51.
GAMESTERS OF TRISKELION

Kirk, Chechov and Uhura all get choked by their evil enslaver - and yet who chooses to walk up to the camera lens and stare right into it? Old Mr.Attention-Seeker himself, Shatner. Scene-stealer par excellence.

The Top 50 Cheesiest Star Trek Moments: 

http://vjetropev.blogspot.rs/2013/11/star-trek-cheesiest-moments.html

2.4.2017